The Young and the Hopeless: Wherein Lies Continue
by hatmanthehat
Summary: fenrisxhawke Slow build. Hawke is a strong-willed woman with a tortured past and a strenuously relationship with her family. After arriving in Kirkwall, she meets a dashing, mysterious ex-slave. Can these two help each other heal past wounds? Or will their strong beliefs and personalities keep them apart? Takes place during the events of Dragon Age 2. DOUBLE UPDATED
1. Chapter 1: Child of Burning Time

AN: so i finaly finishd da2 and it wus awsummmmm. i luved everyone especialy fenfen who is sooo hot much hotter than all the first ones. i apoplogize to those who want hawk/fenris right away - this is a slow bild becus i am improoving my riting since the later few years. fangs to my gurl gxk for being my beta (which i know what it is now)

My name is Mercie Hawke. I live in a small, decrepit hovel owned by my uncle Gamlen Hawke, with my mother Leandra Hawke and my sister Bethany Hawke in the city of Kirkwall in the Free Marches. A few short years ago, my life was perfect. My mother, father, brother, sister and I all lived in a cozy little farmhouse in a Ferelden village called Lothering. Then, everything changed when the Darkspawn attacked! As you know, Darkspawn originated when the curse on Thedas only known as Magi corrupted the Maker's sacred ground. They are twisted mirrors of their once human replicas - which is funny, because it's hard to get more twisted than a mage.

My father was a mage, as is my sister, and it has been a stain on our family - and one of the main reasons why we are living in this disgusting hovel! The other reason is that Gamlen is a useless drunk with a gambling problem and also we had to flee Ferelden, so we are broke.

Oh also my brother died back in Ferelden but it's ok because he was whiny and jealous and would probably turn out just like his uncle, and my sister is useless and doesn't work on account of the fact that she is a mage and therefore is too cowardly to walk the streets. As you also know, Kirkwall, which is where we live, is home to a very sizeable amount of templars, which is partially why I wanted to come here in the first place - to know that the streets can be safe of evil magics that spit in the face of the Andraste. Also, I was hoping that they would finally catch my hideous apostate sister and enslave her in the circle, as she deserves, but so far they've been pretty bad at their jobs.

Andraste was a great powerful woman, one whom I like to model myself after. She was a powerful warrior in her day, and took down the hateful and disgusting Tevinter Imperium, which was run by darkspawn-worshipping mage whores. She was also a warrior and very powerful, which is why I, too, am a warrior and very powerful. Some day, I hope to lead a siege against the tevinters and recapture their land in her name but also mine mostly mine! My name.

Anyway, it was a pretty nice day in Kirkwall because it wasn't too hot and not too cold either. Also it was pretty nice because after being enslaved as lowly mercenaries for a year to pay for our entrance into the city, Bethany and I were finally free and now we could make our own name. Well, mostly I would make a name for myself and Bethany would just freeload off of me because for some reason she can't leave the house when I'm not around. Unfortunately I had literally no money so I couldn't even go to the Hanged Man and drink unless I met up with some of my old mercenary buddies but I didn't really feel like it because I wanted to enjoy being free and also sometimes they would hit on Bethany which I totally didn't understand because she's not nearly as pretty as me.

I decided to go to Hightown because it was sunnier there and even though I was broke the sun is free. Bethany followed me as usual, and I sighed but just pretended she didn't exist which was pretty much what I did every day anyway. It usually worked out okay until she decided to talk to someone, but I trained that instinct out of her pretty well. So even though she was quiet she kept on smiling all the time, which turned out to be pretty annoying too.

"Why are you smiling so much? You keep flashing your teeth like their going out of style. Don't you know they look like chicklets!?" I demanded as we walked up the stairs to Hightown.

"Oh, it's just very nice outside today," she said vacantly. "It's almost summer."

"Don't be so shallow," I said. "Do you only think about the weather and like pretty Orlesian clothes?"

"No, I also think it's nice that we don't have to work for the Red Iron anymore."

"You just think that because you suck at being a mercenary," I said. She didn't reply because she totally knew it was true. I was a really awesome mercenary because I was a warrior and really good at killing people and also the sight of blood did nothing but strengthen my desire to win. But Bethany was like a delicate flower who couldn't stand the sight of blood and also was a healing and burning things mage so she really sucked at killing people. That's probably why all of my mercenary friends invited me to the hanged man and not Bethany, but she always came along anyway. Get your own friends, Bethany!

So we walked into Hightown and Bethany immediately started looking at everyone's pretty clothes which I thought was so useless because why wear satiny dresses when you could wear bulky and powerful armor with giant pauldrons that make your enemies run away at the mere sight of you because they are so scared.

We ran into this random dwarf because he said he could pay us money. Of course, a dwarf and money go together almost as well as dwarves and sewage. I wanted to smack him on the spot for even approaching me and sullying my naturally sunshiney and friendly aura. Did he think we were lowly whores just because we were beautiful? Dwarves are also so insensitive and disgusting and short! I read somewhere that they ate and pooped dirt! Unfortunately, I super needed money, and so did Bethany if she was going to buy and of those dresses which i totally wouldn't let her anyway because let's face it, I'd be the one making all of the money in this relationship. I was forced to make nice with the dwarf because Bethany is not allowed to talk to people. I tried my best not to punch his stupid face every time he said words.

"So I heard you were like paying money for people to kill darkspawn," I said. "I am like super good at killing darkspawn because I am from Fereldan and killed like a million of them just to get here. Also I am a warrior - AND NOT A WHORE SO DON'T EVEN THINK IT BUCKO - and clearly you will need one because you are just a dwarf and are therefore weak and cannot defend yourself. But I can defend you for money. Also my sister Bethany has to come along."

The dwarf thought about that for a second and then said "Ew, you're from Fereldan? Gross, we don't accept your kind here."

I was shocked and appalled. "Well I don't accept your kind anywhere, filthy nug humper," I told him because he is gross and a dwarf. So I totally flipped my hair and walked away from him and he probably eyed my babealicious bod as I sashayed away but he wasn't going to get any of it because he is a dwarf and ugly and I am not an easy lay, ok. I will save myself for the man who truly loves me and preferably is hot but maybe I'll make an exception because I am open-minded but not a dwarf or one of those gross grey horned guys but we'll get to them later.

I was about to go back to Lowtown when another dwarf stopped me. I wanted to punch him in the face because I was so tired of being bothered by dwarves, but he ignored my glare of pure disdain and talked to me anyway.

"I heard you were talking to my brother Bartrand about the Deep Roads expedition," he said.

"Is that the one where I kill darkspawn for money?" I asked. "Because I am super good at killing darkspawn and also I need money."

"Well my friend, you are talking to the right dwarf," he said. "The name's Varric, and I'm going to get you on that expedition."

"I don't usually like talking to dwarves," I warned him very concernedly and caringly for I wasn't a racist I just wanted him to be aware that I was uncomfortable and for him not to be concerned, "but I totally love money. So I guess I have something in common with you Dwarves amirite. Also is it okay if my sister Bethany comes with us? She's totally terrible at killing darkspawn but she'll complain forever if she gets left at home. Also she needs money too." I leaned in a little closer so she wouldn't hear this last part - she was busy staring at some guy's clothes anyway. "Also she makes pretty good bait."

"Hold up there birdie, it isn't quite that open an invitation," said the dwarf. "The only way you're going to get on that expedition is if you partner with Bartrand. It means investing fifty gold crowns but I promise the returns will be excellent."

"Fifty crowns?" I gasped, shocked. That's like a lot of money in the Free Marches where they use weird instead of dollars like everyone else. "But I have zero crowns. I came here to look for money, and now you're telling me to give you money?"

"Sweetie, that's how life works. It's called business," said Varric with a smile. "Don't worry, I'll get you some jobs to start you up. You said you were good at killing darkspawn, right? And other things too, if my sources from the Red Iron are to be trusted. You'll do fine."

"So you have jobs for me that will get me money, then? Good, because or else I would have to stop talking to you immediately."

"Of course! I will make it worth your while. There's just one thing - don't tell Bartrand. And definitely don't let him know that I'll be partnering my way into his expedition as well."

"Wait, you're going on the expedition? But I thought I was!"

"We both are. Together. And sunshine over there too." He looked at Bethany and she finally noticed, skipping over to us.

"Is this a new friend?" she asked.

"Bethany, you know we don't make friends with dwarves, that's below us," I chastised. I turned to Varric. "I mean it's good that you're gonna get us money and stuff, but we still can't be friends."

Varric puffed in something that sounded like frustration. "It's a good thing you're so strong," he said cryptically and then walked away. "Meet me at the hanged man later if you need a job."

Just like that, he disappeared into the crowd. Which was probably really easy for him because he's so short, but also hard because he's so stinky. I turned to Bethany. "Girl, I was going to go for a drink anyway!" I said. "Usually I spend money at the hanged man but this time I'll be getting money!"

Bethany seemed pretty excited but she knew she shouldn't talk unless she had to, so instead she just followed me as we made our way out of Hightown.


	2. Chapter 2: Don't Get Close

AN: now we met one of my fav charters she is also a strong wrrer woman. anyway, i only got 1111111 revow! ples send me more revows, i lov ur input commeters

So like me and Bethany totally went to the Hanged Man. I sashayed beautifully like any good female character should, and enticed many men and women with my sensually swaying hips. But I was not a whore so I did not return any of their lustful gazes because I am saving myself for a beautiful and loyal man of my dreams but I am not shallow so he can be not hot as long as he has a good personality but not if he's a dwarf or one of those gross grey horned people but we'll get to them later. Bethany skipped behind me like the woman child mage that she is and she was lucky they didn't ID at the Hanged Man because she totally has the maturity level of a nine-year-old and probably the mind of one too.

There were like a lot of drunk guys at the Hanged Man but it was OK because I was used to it, being a strong warrior mercenary with a high alcohol tolerance. My gaze was drawn to the bar where an elegant scantily-clad siren was chatting sexily with the bartender. Before I could get a better look, I was distracted by a strong womanly warrior hand being placed on my shoulder. If it had not belonged to a warrior I would have slapped it away much strongly for I am awarrior. But alas it belonged to my only acquaintance, a fellow Fereldan and ginger (not that I am a ginger in fact my hair is black like onyx), Aveline Vallen, who was totally married to a templar so good in my books although a bit of a stick in the mud.

"What do you want, prep?" I asked thoughtfully. "Can't you see I'm busy?"

"Ah yes, I can see that you are busy ogling that woman," said Aveline.

"Um, obvs, can't you see that she's a sex goddess?"

"I don't know, she looks like a grade F- whore to me," remarked Aveline casually. "Anyway, how does it feel being free of debt slavery?"

"Good," I said, then she cut me off.

"Anyway, I want to ask you a favor."

"Does it involve killing things and money? Because I totally love killing things and I totally love money," I said, cutting Aveline off because she rudely cut me off.

"Um aren't we going to see that dwarf about killing things for money?" Bethany asked, cutting me off, and I said "Shut up Bethany!" cutting her off. Don't speak unless spoken to, Bethany!

"Anyway, I was wondering if you could accompany me on a patrol," said Aveline. "It is down on the beaches, which we all know is a rough part of town, so you should be able to kill some ruffians, and also I am a guard now and make a decent wage, so you will be compensated for your labor."

"Um, okay, I guess you like totally owe me because I paid your way into the city and now I am broke, so I will accept your money," I said wisely. "Unfortunately Bethany has to come with us because my mom made me take care of her for the day."

"Sure I guess because it is bad to leave children unattended," said Aveline. Bethany looked slightly offended and then we left.

In a flash we were run into the beach. It was called the wounded coast which totally didn't make sense because coasts can't be wounded. I stuck my enchanted greatsword which was embued by the spirit of Humility whom I met in the Fade whilst dreaming as a child and he was so enamored with me that he agreed to enchant all of my weaponry forever into the ground to prove this fact. Aveline noticed and remarked "Right? Coasts can't be wounded," and I said "Yeah," agreeing warriorishly.

"Well actually, I think it refers to the amount of blood spilled on these sands."

"Shut up, Bethany," I said, cutting her off, and stabbing a random enemy whose blood spilled into the sand.

"OMG!" I exclaimed, staring at my dead enemy. "We are totally being ambushed!"

All of a suddenly, like twenty enemies spawned out of the sands. Luckily, me and Aveline made quick work of them with our womanly warrior skills. Bethany was mostly useless except for maybe healing Aveline a few times because she is not as good a warrior as me.

"OMG we were totally ambushed!" excalimed Aveline.

"I know right?" I said knowledgeably and with wisdom. "Oh BTW Aveline, now that we're out here I just remembered something. Do you remember that old dragon lady who brought us over the ocean?"

"Yeah, she was such a prep," said Aveline.

"No, she was goffical sexii," I corrected her sagely. "Anyway, I ttoally have to go deliver this amulet to the Dalish elves for her. Bethany?"

Bethany handed me the amulet because she is a good pack mule and Aveline and I stared at its beauty.

"Do you have to give it back?" asked Aveline. "It would make a good accessory."

"No, it toally wouldn't go with any of my outfits," I told her because Aveline has terrible fashion taste. "So we have to give it back."

"OK," said Aveline because she trusted my fashion advice. Then we set off for Sundermount.


	3. Chapter 3: Do Nothing B Slap

AN: srry this cam out so l8 redders :( i didnot get any commeters, niec or mean. plese commet if you want fatster uptates!

OK so we were at Sundermount. Me and Aveline were totally hiking up the mountain but Bethany was complaining as usual because she never wears good shoes even though she knows we're going to go on our walks. There were these weird alien things which I guess were elves but totally looked different from Ferelden elves which is where I'm from and where I learned to kill darkspawn good.

"So I like have this amulet thing that I'm supposed to give to you," I told the head alien elf.

"Asha'belannar," she remarked stupidly.

"Yeah, like the dragon lady or whatever. I'm pretty sure her name was Flemeth, not Asha. Anyway, she totally told me to give this to you so take it." I repeated. I figured these weird Free Marsh elves were probably way more stupid than Ferelden elves, who were pretty stupid but still sexy. And I'm not racist.

"I knew you'd be coming, child," said the elf chick. "You'll need to travel to the ancient burial ground on the top of Sundermount."

"I don't wanna walk more," Bethany complained.

"Shut up, Bethany!" I said superiorily. Get better shoes, Bethany!

"Once you reach the top, you must perform a special rite. Speak to my First, she will help you with your task," said the elf.

"OK," I said. We walked away tsunderishly like the sexually appealing women we are and Bethany.

"Her first what?" Bethany asked as we walked away.

"I don't even know, Bethany, don't ask me questions," I said.

All of a sudden we turned around a corner and saw this slightly less freaky looking and more hot elf chick, except not as hot as that babe in the bar, crouching weirdly and looking at something. It was glowing. Not the chick, but the thing she was looking at in her hand. That probably meant it was magic and she was a mage. I wanted to stroll casually yet sensually past without her noticing us, but unfortunately she looked up and deigned herself worthy enough to speak in my presence. Me and Aveline were clearly annoyed but Bethany was all hopeful because she's a gross mage too and doesn't have any mage friends because I keep sending them to the circle. Mom and I both agree that Bethany isn't allowed to hang out with other mages, they're bad influences.

"Andaran atish'an," said the mage elf alien chick. "What are three shemlen doing in the camp?"

"Excuse me, I am a Hawke, not a shemlen," I corrected her. "And Aveline is a Vallen and Bethany is a Hawke but also probably a shemlen because she's a mage and kind of dumb. We're going to give Flemeth's necklace back to the top of Sundermount."

"Oh, I'll help you with that," said the elf chick and I sighed because I didn't want this stupid mage's help and also I hate having more than one mage in my party and Bethany always has to be in my party because my mom makes me babysit her. "I'm Merrill, Keeper Marethari's First."

"Her first what?" asked Bethany.

"Shut up, Bethany, you're not supposed to talk to strangers," I said.

"It's OK," said the Merill. "You Hawkes might not know of our ways. I am training to become the Keeper of our tribe, but I have to learn a lot more magic before I can be as good as Keeper Marethari."

"What? That elf chick was a mage too? I hate mages," I complained.

"I don't understand. Asha'bellanar is also a mage," said the Merrill.

"Um, no, Flemeth is a shapeshifter and a dragon, so much cooler than a mage. I mean, did Andraste ever say anything about dragons turning into darkspawn and spiting the Maker's good work? I didn't think so."

"Dragons are pretty cool," said the Merill. "Anyway, Sundermount is this way."

"I thought we were on Sundermount," said Bethany.

"Shut up, Bethany," said Aveline, and we high fived because she is my friend and we're also totally on the same wavelength.

We totally walked through Sundermount and killed like a bunch of monsters but not any darkspawn so I was disappoint. Aveline and I were badass warriors as usual and even Bethany was kind of good because she knew she was a mage so she was only useful when she stayed behind and occasionally healed the real warriors. This new chick, though, she was so dumb and tried to pretend she was a warrior but she was in fact a mage and kept dying. Bethany had to keep healing her and had barely any healing left for Aveline, but I was OK because I never get hurt and am a great fighter. Could this elf chick not heal herself? What was the point of being a mage if you can't heal yourself.

Anyway, we finally made it up to that weird graveyard thing that the keeper told us about. We killed a bunch of gross bugs and weird skeletons, but no darkspawn. There was this weird shiny thing that I kept trying to get past but I couldn't even though I am very strong. The elf chick stepped out in front of me and I laughed because she is puny and also a mage so how could she punch the wall better than me?

Then, she did something so horrible and heinous and bad and also terrible that I had to bathe like 3 times when I got home just to cleanse the horrible sin from my soul and I prayed to Andraste like twice. Really good prayers and my mom clapped after because they were so touching and I am so holy that is why good spirits imbue by weapons always.

Anyway, the horrible thing that she did: she slitted her wrists like a true blood mage! And she used her corrupt mage blood which was brown like poo against the wall and it disappeared! I gasped and yelled "Blood Magic!" and then Aveline too gasped and too yelled "Blood Magic!" And I covered Bethanny's eyes because I did not want her to be corrupt.

The Merrill avoided my gaze and ushered us in. I did NOT follow her in because it was probably an evil trap for my saintly soul like Andraste.

"Where do you think you're going!?" I demanded, using my greatsword to spin her around. "That was blood magic if you did not hear what I said before and aveline too said! That is horrible and heinous and bad and ALSO terrible in the eyes of our lord Andraste!"

"I know it is blood magic," said the Merrill. "It's the only way for me to lift the enchantment. I'm sorry…"

"Blood Magic!" yelled Aveline. "My husband was a templar," she remarked all sad. "I would never consort with a mage!"

"B-But your friend is a mage…?" Said the Merrill all stupidly and blood magey.

"She's not my friend," I corrected her. "She's my sister, so I have to bring her places because my mom says so. Anyway, we've established that blood magic is bad and you can't do it anymore ok? I will ignore this JUST ONCE because you didn't know any better because your mage teacher probably taught you that demons are good and you should sleep with them like a whore but I feel bad for you because you are just a victim of circumstance and need time to realize the error of your ways which I will teach you."

"Umm… Alright. Just this way, then." Said the Merrill, confused and probably dumb. We walked up to an altar, and then had a quick fight with some guys, but no darkspawn still. I mean, do these people not know that I am practically the hero of Ferelden because of all the Darkspawn I killed even though I am not because she is a different person than me and also the queen of Ferelden who will never die goffical romantic in her husband's arms in the deep roads because he betrayed her for a dumb whore who I don't know of but still I feel her pain and also she is immortal and my cousin.

Anyway, the fight was finally over so I gave the Merrill the amulet and she brought it to the altar. She said some weird words which were probably mage gibberish - she was very fond of that, and Bethny nodded along. Then pew psh pkawow there was lights and magic all around but it was good magic I knew because it was shapeshifter dragon magic and not mage magic.

Then, all of a suddenly, Flemeth was run into our dimension. She appeared very goffical and gorgeous, even though she was old (but not senile). Her dress was a goffic purple, and tall, thigh-high boots that would not normally suit a woman her age, but she wore them very well on her hot bod. Also, she now had hair horn things which were suuper goffical even though they reminded me of those terrible grey horned men but we'll get to them later. Anyway, I was honored to be graced with her presence.

"Asha'bellanar…" The Merrill said dumbfounded and stupid because her name isn't Asha. And Flemeth looked at her and then walked over to me because I am more sexy obviously and also she wanted to thank me.

"Thank you, child," she said because she is quite goffic, and I smiled proudly. "I'm happy to see you fulfilled the end of your bargain, and that I didn't end up in some merchant's purse."

"Np, broseph," I said back, because we knew each other so well almost as if we were cousins in another lifetime. "So, why did you need me to bring this over again? Couldn't you just fly here? Why did you need to teleport?"

"Well, I was originally anticipating someone very close to me to do something very drastic. However, it seems that that someone is no longer in existence, so I'm not entirely sure what to do. I think I'll need to have a few words with a certain queen. I don't take well to those who don't keep their word."

"Oh, cool. My cousin's a queen." I remarked smartly, totally understanding her problem completely. "But she's very hot so probably not the traitor you're talking about."

"Huh," said the Asha. "Well, I suppose I'll be off then."

With that, she transformed into a beautiful horned dragon of purple and the Merrill gasped astonishedly and said "Dragons are pretty cool, Lethalan." Then the hot cougar flew off.


	4. Chapter 4: I am Hated

We walked down the mountain sexxily. When we got back to the Keeper, I totally spat on her feet because she was a mage.

"Why did you do that?" asked the Keeper.

"Because you are a mage," I said. "And you didn't tell me that The Merrill is a blood mage, the worst kind of mage, so I am very mad at you."

"Yeah," agreed Aveline warriorishly. "I'm mad at you too."

"Oh, yeah, you can keep that bitch," said the Keeper. "No one likes her, so."

"Um excuse me, the Merrill is very annoying so I can see why no one likes her," I said. We looked over to the Merrill. She and Bethany were looking at pretty pink flowers together and giggling.

"Of course Merrill is annoying, she's a blood mage, all blood mages are annoying. Anyway, if you keep her I will totally forget that you spat on my feet, which are bare by the way, so that was super gross, and then you can go on your way and I will not have my many elvhen guards slaughter you."

I thought about this momentarily because I am very good at thinking. "Well," I said, "I, unlike you, am very saintlike. Holy, in fact, like unto Andraste. When I see a precious flower such as the Merrill, despite her obvious corruption at your hands, I can only feel pity in my charitable and pure heart. Even though she is an annoying bitch, I will find a way to give her a beautiful home in the swere-like elven alienage where she will be persecuted, but at least it would be better then her wandering off on her own after you kick her out because she is obviously too simple-minded to handle herself in the wild and would no doubt be eaten by darkspawn. Also, Bethany needs a playmate so I don't have to take her everywhere myself."

"Good. Now leave," said the Keeper. "Also, thanks for returning Asha'Bellanar to her rightful spot. She's like, a god or something."

"NP," I said. Then me and Aveline and Bethany and the Merrill left the Dalish. I didn't even look back because they are so unhot that they burn my eyes.

I quickly dropped the Merrill off at a random house in the alienage. I imagine that most of the houses are empty because the dwarven Carta keep killing random elves, because dwarves are racist unlike me. Even if there were already elves living there, I'm sure the Merrill wouldn't mind because she's used to living with like five thousand of those aliens on the mountain. Besides, it wasn't like I had room in my house for the Merrill because I am poor like I mentioned before and also Mother doesn't approve of having mages within ten feet of the house.

By the way, I am back at my house now. Aveline left to her much nicer house because she is a member of the bourgeoisie, unlike us, the peasants. My house is like super small and smelly and also I have to share a room with Bethany which is gross because she totally put a piece of art on the wall that she bought from one of her Orlesian friends and it totally cramps my style. The house is super smelly because it used to belong to my uncle Gamlin Hawke who is an alcoholic unlike me who can totally handle my alcohol. He wasted all of our money so now we are poor so I took over the house because I am the major breadwinner, because the only way to make money in this town is to kill things good and I am super good at killing things unlike Gamlin.

My mom saw me come in and gave me a big hug because I am her favorite. Then she sent Bethany to her room because it was her bedtime. We chatted a bit about how awesome my adventures were and I told her about the money I made killing people on the Wounded Coast and she was super happy and also I told her that a coast couldn't be wounded and she agreed. Also I gave her some of the money because she is responsible and only spends it on useful things unlike Gamlin who spends it on whores and Bethany who spends it on dresses. I also got more soup than Bethany at dinner and that made me happy.

Anyway, I slept but only for a little bit because true warriors don't need sleep, they only need to meditate to improve their concentration. I woke up in the morning and saw that there was mail. I knew it was for me because Gamlin and Bethany are social pariahs and have no friends and also my mom has no friends because she is forever loyal to my dead dad, the only good mage in Thedas.

I opened the letter and totally read it because I am smart. It was all like "blah blah blah meet this dwarf blah blah blah you might get to kill guys." That was all I needed to know. I quickly ran out before mom got up because I didn't want to take Bethany. I quickly grabbed Aveline she is my bestie. Then I brought the dwarf because he needs to know how good I was at killing things, and also because apparently I had to meet a dwarf which meant I'd probably have to talk to a dwarf so at least I have a dwarf to talk to the dwarf for me. Lastly, I decided, because I have a good, open heart, to bring the Merrill, so I could teach her the ways of good on my many adventures. Also I need three people in my buddy group.

So we waited around all day but I didn't go back home because I didn't want to see Bethany, and if I stayed out on the streets, she's too stupid to navigate the city on her own so she wouldn't find me. We were back in the alienage which is called the alieage because Free Marsh elves look like aliens, and talked to this weird alien elf chick about her missing son.

"My missing son, who is totally a mage, is totally missing! Can someone help me find him?" She was talking to a templar. I gasped because how dare she mention the evil name of mages in the presence of such a holy warrior. I walked up to them.

"OMG can you help me, O strong warrior woman like unto Andraste?" she asked as I approached.

I considered disciplining her for mentioning mages in a templar's presence, but as I heard her speak the truth about my character and form, I quickly forgave her mistakes and addressed her.

"So, like, what's going on?" I asked.

"It's totally not your business," said the templar rudely.

"My mage son is missing!" exclaimed the elf woman.

"Gurl, that was totally our secret," said the templar. "If you're going to blatantly break our trust while I'm still here of all places, I won't help you find your son." With that he stomped off sassily.

"Can you help me find my mage son?" asked the lady, totally ignoring the templar because I was so beautiful.

"Ew," I said. "Mages are gross. And evil. I hope he's dead."

Then the Merrill spoke from aside. "But Lethallan…" she said.

I turned to her and immediately regretted it. The Merrill had huge alien puppy dog eyes, and looked on the verge of tears, and also very cute. Suddenly I felt my resolve crumbling. It was probably part of the Merill's blood magic, but I couldn't help it. This is why mages need to be stopped.

"Lethallan," said the Merrill. "We must help this poor young half-elven boy. He could be scared and alone! How can someone as generous as you let him wander the streets, lost and afraid, probably to be taken in by some dangerous drug cartel?"

"You're right, the Merrill," I said. "Elf woman, I will help your child, despite him being a mage. Maybe if I find him I can send him to the circle where he blongs."

"Oh thank you Lethallan," said the Merrill. "You are indeed as kind and generous as Andraste herself."

"The Merrill, I am glad to see that you are slowly putting your evil ways behind you," I said, a flurry of pride running through my motherly heart. "It is time that you reject the dark ways of your past and embrace the ways of our Lord and Savior Andraste."

So we like went to a place and killed a bunch of slavers and rescued the elf mage child Feynriel who is very ugly for a half-elf, probably because his other half is not desire demon, and sent him to the circle like I do to all of Bethany's mage friends.

**The whole time, you will not believe how amazingly helpful the dwarf Varric was. I know I totally hate dwarves, but Varric is incredibly good-looking, and I'm sure he will only become more good-looking in the future. He is very charismatic and has an amazing personality. He is hilarious and kind, and he has more chemistry with me than any of my other friends by far. His story and character development are fantastic, and he is one of the most fleshed-out characters among my close friends. I am sure that even the Maker herself likes Varric the most out of any of my friends, and this is an opinion held by many other Makers. The fact the the gods of the future see it right to deny the large amount of Makers who undyingly love Varric is beyond me. He is very charming, and I'm sure he could get over Bianca if the gods of the future saw fit. Unfortunately, he is not romanceable by myself, but undoubtedly the gods would be wise and make him romanceable by any future iterations of myself, including those who might lead and inquisition throughout Thedas. But I hate dwarves, so.**

Anyway, when we got back it was finally nighttime, so we figured, what the heck, we'd go visit that one dwarf. Good thing I brought Varric with me because he totally talked to the dwarf while I hung back and tried to pretend I didn't know them while casually chatting with Aveline.

"So, princess," said Varric, "It seems like we've got ourselves a lyrium smuggler. It's not a pretty job, but it pays well. Looks like all we've got to do is pick up a supply from a drop point in the docks. Think you can handle it?"

"Can I kill things?" I asked.

"If all goes well, no," said Varric. "But things don't usually go well, do they?" He winked.

"Okay, let's do it," I said. Suddenly Aveline got really bitchy for no reason, but I made her come along anyway.

We got to the abandoned house in the docks, which to my luck was filled with thugs. I totally got to kill them. This time, the Merrill stayed out of the way because I trained her good. Meanwhile, Aveline and I were badass warrior women and Varric, as usual, was amazing in combat despite his dwarfliness. He also unlocked chests, which totally made him more useful than my cousin's footstool Zevran.

Anyway, we made it to the drop spot, but there totally was no lyrium there. I was okay with that because lyrium totally makes mages, which is wrong in the sight of Andraste, and that's why sometimes templars like the one this morning get totally rude.

So we walked out of the house all disappointed because we probs wouldn't get money and I totally need more. Do I need to remind you of the hovel I'm living and also totally have to share with Bethany? Get your own house, Bethany.

All of a suddenly, we were ambushed!

"It's an ambush!" exclaimed Aveline and I agreed warriorshly. We fought again but this time we were fighting mages and probably blood mages so it was awesome. It's okay because mages are totally wimpish and we cut through them like butter because we are strong warrior women. This was also a chance to teach the Merrill about the evil ways of mages. She looked happy and puppy-like after the fight, even though she is useless and died a couple times, but she always looks like that so whatever.

After we beat the mages Varric was totally saying smart things about them being Tevinter, but I wasn't listening, because we were being ambushed again by another mage!

I prepared to fight him with my strong warrior skills, but in a flash, he was run through from behing. Not by a sword or an axe, but by a beautiful fist. The Tevinter dropped to the ground, and I basked in the sight of a god.

His hair was like silk, platinum like the glorious moon above. I could see myself in its silky sheen, and I imagined it was as soft as the fur on a newborn pup. His eyes were the color of sparkling emeralds, and you could lose your self in their soulful depths. His skin was chocolate, and contrasted beautifully against his glowing, full-body tattoos. A girl would wonder how far down those tattoos go… I wondered whether that skin was soft, or if it was hard and chiseled like marble? And that body! Oh Andraste. His armor clung to him like wet cloth, and I could make out every muscle on his gorgeous physique. He wasn't the hulking giant that I'm used to with Shemlen men, as the Merrill called them. You see, he was an elf, and therefore had soothingly pointed ears and a slender yet cut form. He was truly a god fallen from the heavens.

My jaw dropped. As did the Merrill's and Aveline's and even Varric's. I quickly glared at them because I called dibs.


	5. Chapter 5: Tattered and Torn

AN: i am sry about the deley betwen chapterssss! i will give a bonus chapter now to maek up for it! i was bsy with schol :C and aslo i was playin DRAGON AGE INKQIUSITIn AND IT IS AMAZin! defs gonna writ a fic abot it! read and review pls i love fedback!

The god descended from above us. His beautiful form was lithe and lustrous and none of us, even the Merrill who is stupid and annoying, interrupted his angelic saute as he slid towards us. Finally, he addressed us, but mostly me, because I was the most beautiful.

"I see you managed to take care of those slavers for me," said the god. "You have my thanks."

"You're welcome," I said seductishly. "I am very good at killing things. Would you like me to kill more things for you?" I batted my eyes at him and he looked a little taken aback but probably because I was the hottest thing he had ever seen in his life since he probably hadn't ever seen that siren at the bar or himself in the mirror because we all know elves don't own mirrors because they are too poor and/or ugly. But he was beautiful and just didn't know it.

"Actually… yes," he said. "Let me introduce myself. I am Fenris, formally a slave of Tevinter. I've been tracking down my old master Daenerys to Kirkwall. I believe I know where he is hiding. I don't like to ask strangers for help, but you seem competant. If you want, you can meet me in Hightown tomorrow night."

With that, the elven prince left. Fenris - what a beautiful name. I wanted to call out to him because I couldn't stand the thought of him leaving my sight, but alas he was too quick on his lithe and nimble elvish feet, and he looked very good from the back anyway. Besides, I still heard the echo of his last words. Hightown, tomorrow night, that was when I would see my prince again.

I turned to the rest of my friends and the Merrill. I had a huge problem, which was that there was totally like twenty-four hours to kill between right now and tomorrow night when I could see Fenris again. The Merrill could probably just go home and sleep for a whole day because she is lazy, but as a warrior who does not require sleep like unto Andraste, I had to find something to do before then.

We dropped off the Merrill at her hovel in the alienage and then I had a great idea - that I should go hang out at the bar because Bethany wasn't with me so she wouldn't steal any of the men or say anything stupid. Besides, my dwarf friend Varric lived at the bar, so he was going that way anyway.

"Hey my gurl Aveline BFF gurl, do you want to go to the bar for twenty four hours?" I asked my gurl BFF Aveline.

"Ugh, I would totes be there but I have to work because I am a super important guard captain and also a member of the bourgeoisie. Also, my friend Donnelly who you totally met on the not wounded Coast, is gonna be at work so I have to go look at him."

"OK but he probably isn't as babealicious as that babe we're going to meet in twenty four hours who I totally call dibs on," I said, glancing at Varric just to be double sure.

"That is true thang Mercie," said Aveline. "But alas you called dibs so now I have to go look at my friend Donnelly instead of super hot elvish princes."

"OK gurl see you in twenty four hours," I said. Then Varric and me went to the Hanged Man. By the time we got there it was day because sometimes day and night weirdly change whenever I walk to different parts of the city.

"Wow," I said when we got there. "We probably have only like six hours to go before I can meet Fenris."

Varric like totally ditched to go work on his book so I went up to the bar by myself but that's ok because I am hot and usually templars buy me drinks. Some new recruit templar guy who was totally ditching out on his duty which is not appropriate in the sight of Andraste but was ok this one time because he bought me a drink was there. I barely even noticed when the doors of the Hanged Man swung open. But when everyone's heads turned and a calm salty sea breeze wafted through the room, I knew it was her. The siren.

She sauted up to the bar and ordered a drink. I was going to buy her a drink because she was so hot but then I remembered I was poor so I didn't. Instead, I just watched as she challenged some guy to a duel. Clearly, she was a strong independent rouge woman after my own and my Andraste's heart. I knew she was a rouge because she wielded two swords, which is only possible if you are a rouge but a strong one.

She totally creamed this dude and it was sick and I cheered. Then after her ran pitifully out of the bar like the pansy he is, I walked over to the siren.

"Hey babe that was totally sick," I said. "I like how you showed that guy who's boss with your strong womanly ways."

The siren smirked at me. "That is because I am a woman and also strong."

"As am I," I flirted hottily. "What's your name?"

"Isabela," she said. "With only one L. What's your name, love?"

"Mercie," I said. "With no Ls."

"That's a pretty sexy name," she said.

"Yeah," I agreed warriorishly. We stared deeply into each other's eyes for a moment before I continued. "So like, I'm a pretty good warrior and your are also pretty good. So I like to kill things. Do you have anyone who needs to be killed?"

"As a matter of fact, I do, darling," said Isabela. "You see, not only am I dashing and beautiful, but I am also a pirate queen - not a whore, mind you, so don't get any ideas. My problem is that although I am a queen, I lack a ship. I need your help tracking down someone who will lead me to it."

"I am ngl gurl, I am no rogue. But if you do the tracking, I can do the killing," I said. "We should totally go right now, unless it's going to take more than six hours, in which case I have a date."

"It shouldn't take that long," said Isabela. "But do you really want to go alone?"

"I don't have to!" I exclaimed excitedly. "My friend Varric totes lives in this bar and is probably just writing stupid fanfiction right now. He'd totes come with us and also if you need a third buddy like I do, we can pick up my minion the Merrill in the alienage on our way out."

"You have a minion?" asked Isabela. "All of mine died when my ship was stolen."

"Yeah," I said. "She is a gross blood mage and a gross elf not that I'm racist because some elves are godlike, but I am being a good Andrastian and saving her from herself by bringing her on dangerous life-threatening missions!"

"Well in that case, let's be on our way, shall we?"

I grabbed Varric who complained because he hadn't finished drawing a picture of Aveline for his cover, and then we swung by and got the Merrill who was disheveled because she had been sleeping like the lazy elf that she is. We went to the docks with Isabela and totally killed some people. There was a guy and he had like a name and she kept calling him a hater and I'm pretty sure he was like Antivan or something -

"Hayder!" she yelled. Pmuch everyone except him was dead. "You are going to die!" she exclaimed as she sexily threw her dagger in slow motion at his head and he died just like she said he would. We all cheered and held up score cards. Isabela got a perfect 30/30 on sexy dagger tossing.

Isabela was all like happy that we killed people but the hater totally did not have her ship. I was all like,

"What are you gonna do now, gurl?"

Isabela was all like, "Well, you're a babe, so I think I'll hang with you until I can find my ship and Castion."

"Who's Castion?" I asked.

"He's a dick, and not a very sexy one," she said.

"Gross," I said. "You know who is sexy? My babealicious babe prince husband elf, who I am meeting tonight. Right now, in fact, you should come with me but I called dibs." I glared at Varric and the Merrill because mages and dwarves are not as trustworthy as super hot girl BFFs like me and Aveline and Isabela.

"I would like to look at him at least," said Isabela.

"Me too!" said the Merrill.

"Maker, the Merrill, as long as you don't use your blood mage seduction powers on him like the late Queen Nora, I guess you can come along," I said.

"Yaaaay!" said the Merrilll.

So we left to Hightown. It was dark and scary for lesser mortals, not for Andrastians such as myself. We were almost at the place that Fenris was going to meet us at, when I suddenly realized we had a glaring issue that needed to be fixed.

"Varric, go home," I said. He looked slightly offended and muttered some dwarven curse words which are worse than regular curse words because dwarves are gross except for Varric who would make a great romantic interest, but he went back to the Hanged Man. He had to leave because I can only talk to three people at a time, and I was soon going to be talking to Fenris.

We approached the meeting place which was in Hightown at night which was right now because I spent my twenty-four hours at the Hanged Man and also killing people with Isabela.

We were ambushed by some street thugs on the way into the courtyard where Fenris was waiting, which was lucky because then I got to look extra babealicious and warriorish and strong covered in the blood of my enemies which would no doubt impress the prince because he is a warrior and also has many enemies.

"It's a good thing we took out those thugs in Hightown at night," said Isabela. "There are a lot of thugs out at night. It's a good thing we're making the streets safer."

"OMG I don't even care about that, I just like killing things. Andraste!"

Then, Fenris appeared.


	6. Chapter 6: Wait and Bleed

My sparkling prince glimmered lyriumishly in the moonlight. He stood in front of a creepy yet soothing mansion in hightown. I slowly turned my head, whipping my long raven hair through the night. My hot body, which was covered in amazing warrior armor like Andraste's and also the blood stains of my many enemies, shone powerfully in chagrin.

"Oh, hey Fenris, I didn't see you there," I flirted seductively.

"That's odd, because you've been staring at me for the past ten minutes," he replied - how seductive and he is clearly into me.

"Yes, but I managed to stare at you while killing like a hundred street thugs on my own with only minimal help from Isabela and the Merrill," I said while thrusting my sword into the bodies of like a hundred street thugs. "I can do this because I am totally great at multitasking unlike my stupid sister Bethany."

"Alright then," said Fenris chocolately. "Can we get on with this?"

"Of course, my prince husband of the ancient and respected race of elves which I revere because I am not racist," I said.

We went inside and there were like a ton of demons and blood mages! I quickly shielded the Merrill's eyes for I did not want her to be corrupted.

"Quick, we have to kill them before the Merrill gets any ideas!" I shouted.

"Mages ruin everything!" Fenris shouted. "I was a slave!" was his battle cry as he charged into the mass of writhing demons, glowing almost magickly but not actually like magic because that would be an abomination against the will of Andraste, our lord and Savior. I would have helped him but I was too busy protecting the Merrill from her own sins like a good Andrastian, and also, Fenris was so capable and handsome like a strong warrior but not a woman.

I had never seen a sight so beautiful. I never knew that men could be so strong and powerful like Andraste. And not only that, but he clearly had a strong conviction in the word of Andraste and understood that mages are a blight on the world and need to be destroyed systematically and one by one until the world is cleansed of their wickedness. After we killed all the demons, the blood mages pleaded for their lives.

They were all like, "Oh great and benevolent Hawke and assorted associates, please spare us!"

I looked right in their eyes which were red like blood because they used blood in their blood magic. Slowly, I withdrew my hand from over the Merrill's eyes.

"Where are we?" asked the Merrill with a naive smile.

"The Merrill, I have an important lesson to teach you," I said. "Look at these blood mages. Look into their bloody blood mage eyes."

"How are you, blood mages?" the Merrill asked. "I hope your day is going well."

"No, the Merrill, it is not going well," I told her. "Behold how their eyes are red with sin. They are too far gone. Unlike you, the Merrill, who I have charitable faith in, they will never redeem themselves in the eyes of the Maker or Andraste, praise be Her name. But I am ever sympathetic to them as I knew they know not the error of their ways. The only way to stop them is to save them from themselves."

With that, I cleanly decapitated all four blood mages except one. Their blood splattered over the Merrill's face, but she seemed unphased probably because she is used to blood because she is a blood mage.

"You missed one," said the Merrill.

"I will deal with him," said Fenris's cool and calm and collected and sexy voice from behind me.

"No," I said. "Behold, the will of Andraste!"

I raised one hand to the heavens and channeled the powers of the Maker and Andraste. With the other hand I raised the hilt of my sword and pressed it to the blood mage's forehead. He shreiked a shriek most foul and monstrous before suddenly seeing the light and becoming cool and calm and collected but not sexy. He smiled at me and thanked me for I had saved him from himself.

"That was some pretty cool blood magic," said the Merrill.

"OMG the Merrill that was clearly divine power, not blood magic!" I said, slapping her. "Isabela, couldn't you tell that that was not blood magic?"

"Yeah, that was pretty obviously not blood magic."

"Thank you! Fenris?"

In a flash, Fenris was disappeared. "Andraste's breath!" I swore. "Where has my elvish prince disappeared to?"

"I have no idea and I was looking at him the whole time," said Isabela.

"Gurl, I totally understand your good taste, but I still have dibs," I reminded her.

"True," said Isabela. "We should probably check outside."

I left the mansion and made the Merrill come last in case there were more blood mages outside, but there were none, only Fenris, standing in the rain, his white sparkling hair glistening, the raindrops slowly sliding down his skintight armor. His head was slightly bowed, and he looked trouble.

"Fenris?" I asked sexily.

"I never got your name," he said.

"It's Hawke. Mercie Hawke. No Ls."

"That's… a nice name."

"It's better than Bethany Hawke who is my sister and Leandra Hawke who is my mother but it's almost as good and Gamlen Hawke who is a man and also my uncle and also drunk. Mercie Hawke. That's me. Remember it."

"I'm glad to find someone of a similar mind," said Fenris, "but I couldn't help but notice your companion here."

"OMG Isabela? Ok she's not that good looking. Andraste!"

"No, I mean the blood mage."

"Oh, the Merrill? She may have been a blood mage in the past, but I am converting her to the ways of Andraste. Don't worry, if she does anything out of line, I will not hesitate to murder her to put her out of her misery. I love curing mages, no matter what it takes.

"As do I," said Fenris.

There was a pause. I stared deeply into his emerald, jade, leaflike eyes, so full of sorrow and despair and righteous anger. He looked at me with gratitude and respect, and a modicum of lust, I could tell. Pretty much everyone looks at me with lust, even Bethany sometimes because she is a gross mage, but could this be different? Could this be the beginning of something more?

"By the way, Daenerys was not in there," said Fenris. "I will continue to seek for him, but I seem to be safe for now. In the meantime, I shall hole up in this abandoned mansion. Sleeping next to dead corpses warms my heart. Also, I hear Daenerys keeps some excellent aged wine in the cellar."

"Gurl I love wine," I said. "Because I am an adult and I love to drink especially after killing darkspawn. Sometimes templars buy me drinks, but I would much rather drink with you, baby."

"Hmm," said Fenris, and then he dsiappeared but not mageishly. More like he walked away real fast and I didn't follow because I enjoyed the air of mystery. Besides, I could totally tell that he was into me.

"So where are we off to next?" asked the Merrill. "Are we tranquilizing more mages?"

"No, the Merrill, that's enough tranquilizing for today," I said. "Run along home now, and if you see any blood mages, remember to look away."


	7. Chapter 7: The Negative One

So Fenfen decided to stay in his super gross ugly mansion that still had dead bodies in it and stank. But it was pretty badass and metal I guess because of all the dead bodies, and all of my other friends like the Merrill and especially my sister Bethany were stinky too so he fit in.

I was in the Hanged Man chilling with my templar peeps and also that siren Isabela. I was seriously bragging to all the naive and kawaii templars about how stinking rich I was going to be once I killed all the darkspawn in the Deep Roads for money, when Varric, who is my friend despite being a dwarf, came up to me.

"So, Hawke, any news on those Deep Roads maps I asked you for?" He nagged naggishly.

"The one with the grey warden?" I asked questioningly and smartly. "You know, my cousin is the queen of the grey wardens and also Ferelden?"

"Um… Yes, well, I have heard of Queen Cousland, but I'm not sure that's entirely the point, Birdie," he said. "I have a lead on where you could start looking, find the map, if you're interested."

I turned to Isabela. "Babe, are you cool with leaving the templars for a bit and going on a quest?"

"Sounds good to me," said my BFF Isabela.

"OK good, because it's almost 7 and I have to pick up my sister anyway to babysit since my mom is going on a totally hot date tonight. Then I guess we can look at those maps or whatever."

So I went to get Bethany with Isabela. Then I went to Fenris' mansion, which was still full of dead blood mages, but it's ok because the blood mages are dead as they rightfully should be and I know my love is a warrior and not a slave anymore and therefore should never have to clean ever again.

I threw rock's at Fenfen's window sexily and also got a minstrel to play rock music next to me. My sexy prince totally looked out the window and was like "Hawke, what's going on," and I said "Yo babe, we are going to get some maps from grey wardens do you want to come? It's almost like a date except that my bff Isabela and my dumb sister Bethany will also be there."

"Alright I guess," said Fenris and then he joined our buddy group.

We went to some place where refugees were. I was once in that place because I am a refugee but not anymore because I am a strong warrior woman and killed a bunch of people for money so that my mom and I could live with my uncle Gamlen Hawke. We thought about leaving Bethany in the place for refugees but decided against it because there might be blood mages there and we couldn't risk her being corrupted into a blood mage before she inevitably died.

So anyway, there was some chick in there who was idk collecting money or whatever, which I thought was so lazy because why couldn't she just be a mercenary and do honest work instead of looking for handouts? She looked at me and asked for a handout, which I DENIED. Then I asked her about a guy named "Anders", because that's what Varric told me to do and I smartly remembered his name. Then she told us to go to the gross hovel that is dark town, which is pretty much the sewer of Kirkwall, or even of Thedas! There is actual poo down there! And everyone is a criminal, too! I know this one elf who lives there and he sells me explosives except I've never had to buy them because, as a strong warrior woman, bombs are useless to me.

Anyway we went down to like this clinic place? I think except I couldn't tell because it was so gross and sick people look almost the same as poor people so. Except for me and my mom we are beautiful despite our poverty.

There, I saw another sight that blew my holy and saintly like unto andrastian mind. He was a tall, fit man. His locks were gold like the sun's rays, pulled off of his angelic face. He had a slight dust of stubble that emphasized his masculine jawline. His topaz eyes gleamed with emotion and passion, although his under-eyes were dark - no doubt because he was a hard working citizen of Thedas and had to work overnight (certainly not one who would ask for a handout!). He wore graceful grey and green robes with feather pauldrons, no doubt to signify his inner wildness. His skin was milk and marble, most certainly hard and chiseled to the touch. And oh, how I yearned for that touch. He looked at me with chagrin.

I glanced at him and for a moment our eyes met, a moment that seems infinitely long and infinitesimally short at the same time. Then in a sudden, he glanced away at the person who was clearly dying of being sick and was lying on a gross rat-infested bed!

"This person is going to die!" said another person, who was obviously distressed but also clearly not important.

"No, he/she can't die!" exclaimed the angelic diamond in the rough chivalrously and daring.

"I will die… soon… nothing can save me except… a miracle," said the dying person.

"That is not true," said the hot, golden-haired Fereldan babe. "I am… a healing mage."

"YOU ARE A BLOOD MAGE?" I yelled as loud as I could at the top of my lungs like a templar.

"Maker!" exclaimed the babe - except before my eyes I could see that his gorgeous exterior was nothing but a charade, hiding the evil that lay within. All mages are evil I knew because I am blessed with the knowledge and wisdom of Andraste. Clearly, he is only so beautiful and chiseled in order to tempt my pure templarish heart. I covered Bethany's eyes.

"I'm going to heal this person really quick and then shoot a fireball at you, templar!" yelled the babe and then he did that, but I dodged the fireball really good, but he ran away anyway.

"No I need your maps!" I yelled and ran after him. I caught him instantly because I am a strong warrior and he is a wimpy mage yet actually oddly muscular for a mage actually.

"Get away from me, templar!" he yelled as he struggled pitifully but everyone knows it is useless to try to escape from Mercie Hawke.

"OMG I'm totally not a templar," I said, since it was technically true and also I am not a templar because they are below me, the true chosen Andraste.

"Oh, really?" asked the mage dude. "OK."

I let him stand up unfortunately, since I wanted to tranquilize him on the spot. Unfortunately, I needed those maps. "Where are those maps?" I asked him.

"Well, I could give you the maps, but seeing as you are not a templar, I actually need you to do something for me before I give them to you."

"Are you joking?" I asked. "I totally did not kill you and you are still asking for handouts?"

"This is serious, Mercie" he said because he knew my name because I am so famous and strong. "I heard you were a strong warrior woman and I need a strong warrior to help save one of my friends - who is a mage, like me who is a mage also."

"ANDRASTE! I HATE HELPING MAGES!" I exclaimed. "Mages are gross, right Isabela?"

"Right," agreed Isabela rougishly.

"Well if you don't help me I will never give you the maps," said the man who I deduced with my excellent deduction skills must be Anders. He stuck his tongue out at me.

"Ugh, okay, fine," I said. "But you can't let your mage friends befriend my sister Bethany or else I will kill them like I kill all of her mage friends except the Merrill because I am going to save her soul like Andraste."

"You killed my friends!?" Asked Bethany unimportantly.

"I told you this like last week, Bethany, Maker, can't you ever remember anything?" I replied boredishly.

"You're actually going to work with this mage!?" Asked Fenris angrily and with much rage.

"Fenfen," I said calmly to calm him down like a good leader would. "We really need those maps, because I need to go to the Deep Roads to kill darkspawn for money, which I love. You love killing darkspawn too, right?"

Fenris looked angry but he nodded.

"Well," I continued. "We are going to have to work with this filthy yet oddly attractive mage then. OK? Truce?"

Anders and Fenris looked at each other and nodded equally stubbornly, but I could already tell that they were going to bitch at each other and whine for probably the rest of my life.

"OK, let's go save my totally platonic friend Karl," said Anders.


	8. Chapter 8: The Circle

I followed Anders sexily to the totally amazing and most beautiful place I had ever seen in my whole life called the Gallows. Fenris said some shit when I walked in there but I ignored him because he knew I was a great templar and hated mages so he didn't even have to ask me about that. Anders looked mad, but I didn't care because he is a mage.

Before we went to the Circle, I showed Bethany around the gallows tour-guidishly because I knew that was where she was going to live when she grew up and got smart enough to not live with her mom who is also my mom, because she is my sister. She looked kind of sad but I didn't care because she is dumb and also I already sent all of her mage friends to the Circle so at least she would see them again.

Anyway, we walked right into the Circle because all the guards let me in because they recognized me as the great and holy Mercie Hawke, pure and templarish like unto Andraste. I felt terrible, on account of the fact that I was totally lying to them and bringing an impure aspostate in there (but not like I normally do because normally they don't come out), but it was OK though I knew Andraste would approve of me because I would get the maps which I needed to go into the deep roads and get rich by killing darkspawn and getting money which I love and move out of my uncle gameln's house, which is totally the path that Andraste has chosen for me.

Anyway, we went up the stairs in the circle (which was surprisingly non-circular which I pointed out to Bethany because she needs to learn her shapes good and would also live in the Circle when she grew up, but whatever), and we saw the most pure and holy sight I had ever seen since the last hideous bloodmage I saw yesterday. It was an old guy mage who was totally unhot unlike that awful blonde temptress Anders, but unlike Anders and all the other terrible apostate blood mages like my sister and the Merrill, he had a mark of such beauty and perfection upon his forehead. A mark that meant Andraste had chosen him for a better path and saved his brown-like-poo mage soul. He was, like the blood mages from yesterday, been tranquilized.

"Is this your totally platonic friend, Karl?" I asked Anders seductively, who had a look of marble chagrin on his beautiful, chiseled, stubbly yet evil face. "Because I did not know that your friends were so smart as to get tranquilized. Perhaps you should try to be more like them?"

But in a flash Anders eyes were flashing blue and also in a flash he punched me in the face! I was not hurt at all in fact I barely even felt his fist against my face, it was like the gentle brush of the wings of butterflies in the sunset along my soft, pale skin, but I was outraged at his rudeness! "What the hell did you do that for?" I asked, and Fenris also asked it and also Isabela because they are my soulmate and BFF respectively but I did not Bethany because mom doesn't like when I tell her swears. But I am a responsible adult who can swear whenever I want and Bethany can just deal with it. Get your own swears, Bethany!

But the hideous blue-glowing apostate (whose glowing was much different than Fenris's because Fenris glows lyriumishly and not like a mage but Anders glows mageishly) was either not listening to me, in which case I would be angry and hateful at him, or maybe he could not even hear me? Because his eyes were super blue and also his voice got deeper and more hot. I knew this because he started saying something at me but I didn't listen and also covered Bethany's ears because he would probably infect her with his mage devilry.

I was going to punch him back, therefore crippling his beautiful mage body, or maybe make out with him passionately, but in a flash, we were surrounded by my friends the templars who looked real mad! Before I could logically and smartly explain what we were doing, the blue glowing siren-man-mage attacked! He was so swift and evilly hot and he killed my friends who were just probably misunderstanding and would totally let us go if he gave me a second.

I was all like: "What the hell did you do that for?" And Fenris was like that too, and so was Isabela because they are my soul mate and BFF respectively.

"Justice has been wrought today!" The crazy babe cried glowingly.

"Please, I can feel myself coming back to my body," said Karl, the friend, who I had forgotten about until this point because Anders was being so stupid. "You have to kill me, Anders, my platonic buddy. I can't go on living without a soul."

Anders stopped glowing for some reason that I didn't understand probably because it was mageish and went over to hug and kiss Karl in a platonicly friendly manner. "Please," he said. "Isn't there a way I can reverse this? With my connection to the fade, and Justice…"

"OMG YOU FUCKING PREP!" I interrupted yellingly. "WHY would you reverse TRANQUILIZING it is THE MOST PURE AND HOLY EVENT IN THE SIGHT OF ANDRASTE!" With that, I forcibly forced Anders and his platonic friend Karl apart and they both fell backwards 7 feet because I am so strong, but Bethany caught Anders and I ran over to Karl and caught him before he hit the ground and probably died because his magely constitution was so weak. That would be horrible, because killing tranquilized mages is a sin since that is the only time that they are truly human in the sight of the Maker.

Instantly, I called upon all of my power and all of the power of Andraste and I super-double-special-tranquilized Karl. He was so tranquilized that he immediately bowed and kissed my feet and washed them with his tears of joy because he recognized me as his true savior from the evil that is being a mage. Anders was crying man-girlishly in Bethany's arms but I knew this was best for him and his platonic friend and he would thank me for it eventually even if it wasn't until we were both dead and he yelled up thanks to me from the bars of his mage-hell-prison while I was exalted in templar heaven.

So, anyway, after my feet were thoroughly cleaned by the truly tranquil friend, we returned to Anders' hovel which was probably the grossest hovel of all my friends - if I could even call him a friend, since I knew he was only there to seduce me with his good looks like the evil desire demon that he was. Either way, I decided to keep him along, since he wasn't very tactful and would probably reveal a lot of mages for me to send to the circle.

"What the heck was that?" I asked non-swearishly when we got back to the rank poopness that was dark town. "You were glowing and significantly hotter than before, even though you're pretty hot, though I am a woman of strong convictions like unto Andraste, and will marry my elf prince, as you see him there and is totally not a mage, so don't even think about seducing me."

Fenris looked pensive yet brooding as I motioned towards him. Anders just looked brooding but not pensive because he is way stupider than my bf. But it's not official yet because Fenris is playing hard to get and also it is more romantical when drawn out, but I knew Fenfen and I would be together eventually. Had they not been two different species, they could have been brothers, I thought.

"A long time ago, when I used to be a part of the Wardens-"

"-which my cousin is now the queen of," I interrupted again but it's ok because his story sounded much more boring than what happened with my cousin which was very interesting so I told everyone.

"You're cousins with Ravena Cousland?" Anders interrupted himself. "She's amazing."

"Yeah, I know," I said, flipping my long raven hair because I knew so much.

"Anyway, as I was saying, a long time ago, I was a part of the Wardens. Queen Cousland was overseeing me, and on our travels, we met a spirit trapped in the mortal world. He was a spirit, mind you, not a demon, and he was stuck in a decaying body."

I scowled because I was just going to say that it was a demon, but he interrupted my thoughts, which was rude.

"So you let it possess you?" I asked angrily and righteously because I totally knew how his story was going to end because I am smart like unto Andraste and can guess the ends of stories which are dumb and have a moral lesson which Anders OBVIOUSLY didn't follow since he got himself possessed like a stupid.

"No!" protested Anders magely. "... I mean… well, yes. But that's not the point! Justice is a good spirit!"

"Oh sure he is," I said super sarcastically because I was tired of yelling and I really needed those deep road maps to kill darkspawn and get money. "Whatever. I will just let you know that you are damned and are not following the way of Andraste, but you probably already know that and are blatanly ignoring her rules because you are an apostate blood mage. You are not allowed to talk to the Merrill because you will corrupt her with your abominationry, but I guess you can follow me around on adventures because sometimes my other friends need to be healed but not me because I am a strong warrior, and also you are good eye candy."

"Um, thank you?" said Anders questionatorily.

"You're welcome," I said. "Now where are those maps?"

Anders gave me the maps and I was all like "Yay! I can give these to Varric!" And I high fived Isabela and then I kissed Fenris on the cheek and he blushed sugoily and then I sprayed Bethany with cold water because she was probably thinking about blood magic or frilly Orleasian dresses, both of which I hate.


	9. Chapter 9: Be Prepared for Hell

"Yo Varric my bro it's totally time to go to the deep roads!" I yelled sexily upon entering the Hanged Man which is where Varric lives, much nicer than that poo hovel where the blood mage Anders lives. By the way I was at the Hanged Man now because I had the maps (u would know this if u play the game) from that blood mage Anders who lives in a poo hovel but is strangely temptress-like. I was also there now because I had slept and rested and stuff after my run in with Anders gross platonic friend who was now double tranquilized.

"So like, can we go kill darkspawn for money now? I've waited like SO LONG and also had to talk to so many mages before I could do this and I really just want to kill a bunch of darkspawn to blow off some steam. Also Bethany's been really whiny lately and I just can't deal with that," I said.

Just then, Varric entered the room, because he does not live in the bar like a hobo who asks for handouts (except for Isabela who lives in the bar but she is not a hobo because she is my friend and also beautiful) but he has his own room because he is so rich and bourgeoisie.

"That's great, Hawke," he said, looking slightly annoyed but I don't know why because he was the one who asked me to come on this deep roads trip. "Do you have the 50 gold deposit? You know Bartrand won't let me take you down there without it."

"Of course I do, prep! My old merc friends totally gave me jobs and more money so that I could go on this exciting and potentially life-changing expedition. But I'm only in it for the cash," I replied tsunderishly and mercenarily.

"If that's the case, then it looks like we're all set," said Varric. "I'll get Bartrand. Meet us in the Hightown market at dusk."

So I waited around til dusk. I went over to Fenris' house and looked at him while he looked at the fire all broodishly. We didn't really talk but that's OK because Fenris doesn't like talking and I love him just the way he is - a beautiful, d'ark, handsome, strong silent type with a tortured past who hates mages like I do like unto Andraste. I'd sit there and I'd feel like because we were such close soul siblings almost but not in a gross incesty way that we could communicate with our minds almost? But not in a magic way because mages are gross. He told me how beautiful I was in our thought conversation while he was looking at the fire and said he would totally have SEX with me except he respected my purity like unto Andraste. It was really kawaii. Then too soon it was dusk, and I had to go to the deep roads. I would totally have brought Fenfen to the deep roads but I had to take that mage Anders because he had the maps. So I apologized in my mind and then left just as Fenris opened his seventh bottle of wine for the night.

So anyway, like I said it was dusk and I went to the Deep Roads with my cool friend Isabela and that dumb hot gross hot mage Anders to meet Varric, the dwarf and also my friend, to go to the Deep Roads, with his brother Bartrand, a dwarf, who is not my friend and also ugly like all dwarves who are not Varric.

We said some things and people probably passed around money but I didn't care because I wanted to kill darkspawn like right now, and also wanted to get moving because Anders was standing right next to me in the circle even though I told him to keep a two foot purity radius between me and him at all times. We were about to go when my mom rudely interrupted us.

"Andraste, mother, what are you doing here?" I asked. "And OMG why did you bring Bethany? I told you it was your turn to babysit for like two weeks!"

"Well, Mercie, about that…" said my mom. "I actually need you to take Bethany with you to the deep roads."

"Are you serious?" I yelled glitteringly.

"I'm sorry, Mercie, you know I wouldn't push this on you if I didn't have to," she sighed sorrowfully and like a stressed mom sighs you know. "But, you know the guy I was seeing a while back? He's taking me on vacation for two weeks to Orlais. We're going shopping."

I fell to my knees with rage! How dare she leave me with Bethanny for that cheapskate with the white roses! And to go shopping, too! I screamed real loud until Varric came by and told me I was bothering the other dwarves, so because I am not a racist and care about stupid sensitive dwarven ears since they have to hear their way around the Deep Roads, I stopped.

My mom was very sad because I was sad, but not sad enough to take Bethany back. Instead she just dropped Bethany off with Isabela and leaned in close so nobody else could hear. "I heard there are lots of darkspawn and other dangerous stuff down in the Deep Roads," she told me secretly. "I know you can handle yourself because you are my beautiful, strong, warrior woman daughter, but Bethany is only a weakling mage so you have to protect her with all your life and your friends lives, too. I swear, Mercie, if my baby comes back with even a SCRAPE, I will disown you and your dog."

"Ugh, we should just send her to the circle like we do to all of her mage friends," I said.

"Yeah, maybe that would be a better choice," said my mom. "Oh well, too late now. Toodle-oo!"

With that my mom left and I was left with my stupid sister Bethany, who now I had to camp with for two whole weeks. I was so mad but I couldn't figure out how to get rid of her without making my mom mad.

"Ugh, come on, Varric, let's go," I said.

"Umm, I would just like to point out, my darling bff," Isabela began in her hot like sirens accent, "that our buddy groups can't have more than four members. And with Varric and Anders, you have…"

We stopped and did the math in our heads smartly. FIVE! WE HAD FIVE MEMBERS BECAUSE OF STUPID BETHANY!

"We have five members because of you, stupid Bethany!" I shouted at Bethany and she looked like she was going to cry but I didn't care because she was ruining my camping trip where I get to kill darkspawn, which I was looking forward to despite the fact that Anders was there to stink up the camp.

"It's ok," said Isabela. "I can go home. I have some work to do that totally does not involve being a whore, because I am not a whore, I am a rouge, sexy pirate queen."

"Ugh, fine," I said, totally defeated because everything was not going my way. I considered invoking the wrath of Andraste to kill or tranquilize Bethany right there, but decided that I shouldn't do that because my mom would be mad. Instead I just watch Isabela sautee away and cried tears of warriorish womanliness as Varric and me and Anders and Bethany and the rest of those smelly dwarves made our way into the Deep Roads.

So we went to the Deep Roads, where lots of really dramatical things were going to happen… (stay tuned 4 the next adventure~)


	10. Chapter 10: Till We Die

(AN: There have been some very rude commenters leaving rude comments. Thank you to ineverreview for giving me and gxk (MY BETA WHO IS AlSO BETAing THIS COMMENT SHE EXISTS I DON'T NEED ANOTHER BETA Eliphas-Chaos!) great feedback. If there's anything you readers would like to see in this fanfiction, please leave CONSTRUCTIVE commentary in the reviews or in my inbox! Thank you!)

(AN: also warning for tragedy in this chapter. don't like? don't read)

THIS IS IT. THE BIG ADVENTURE OF MERCIE HAWKE, CHAMPION OF KIRKWALL AND TRUE HEIR OF ANDRASTE, WHERE I GET TO KILL DARKSPAWN AND MAKE MONEY. I knew that dramatic happenings and exciting stories and possibly life changing decisions were about to be made. Varric, Anders, Bethany and I were heading into the Deep Roads!

Basically, it was like this huge demonic camping trip that took like probably two weeks or something but I don't know exactly because I can only remember the really important parts. Like this one time where Anders almost got killed by a darkspawn but Varric saved him probably because Anders is so beautiful and he was tempted. That was almost my favorite part, but it wasn't because Anders didn't die.

Anyway, another part that I remember is when we lost a really weird dwarf who couldn't talk good, but his dad made us go find him which is embarrassing because it was basically like another Bethany all over again. But we found him and then we kept going.

But anyway, now we're at another camp ground right near the place that the dwarves want to be because there's an ancient tige or whatever. I don't really care about dwarf culture because it is inferior to human culture but not in a racial way, they just don't have the light of Andraste, but I heard that these ancients dwarves were like super loaded so that's why I'm excited. Either way, there are a lot of darkspawn here so I'm happy. Anders isn't happy which is weird because he's a Grey Warden, the most honorable of warriors since my cousin is one and also the queen of them, and should love killing darkspawn, but he just looks kind of grumpy all the time down here.

So we went down and killed some darkspawn beautifully and sexxily but only I was beautiful and sexy and kind of Anders but it didn't matter because he was weak, so all of his sexy staff twirling was just for show because he sucks at fighting. Same with Bethany was bad at fighting. Varric was a good and strong fight and also beautiful, but only in a dwarfish way so not as beautiful as us humans. But still beautiful enough that i would accept him as a love interest potentially if he was interested because I mean let's be real here.

Also we fought a gross giant spider.

Finally, we made it to this weird room and Varric's stupid jerk brother came too and we saw this weird red thing and Varric gasped and Bartrand too gasped.

"Um what is that thing?" I asked. "It does not look like darkspawn or money and I am only here to fight darkspawn and get money."

Varric was like "That's more valuable than anything we could have hoped of finding."

The Batrand continued because they are brothers and also probably twins and twins totally finish each other's sentences I know this because Bethany and Carber used to annoyingly do that back when he was still alive. I thought they could never be more annoying but it turns out that ever since Carber died Bethany has really amped up the stupidness levels. Also at least Carber didn't like frilly Orlesian dresses like Bethany. "It's a lyrum idol," anyway Bartrand finished for Varric.

"Um, you say that is lyrim but I know what lyirm is and its blue like andraste and not red like sinners who turn away from her light and trueness," I corrected them because I know things like luyirm because I was a good mercenary and also know templars and templars use lyrism to fight against mages because it makes them resistant to magic. I was going to take lysrsm myself but I decided against it because I can rely on my own trueness like unto Andraste to fight the disgusting apostate hoards that plague the surface of our wonderful Thedas and don't need the crutch of some dumb rock.

"Um, jokes on you, it is totally irium and I'm gonna take it!" yelled Bartrand sassily and then he grabbed the rock and ran out of the room and slammed the door behind us.

"That bastard!" yelled Varric. "We're trapped!"

"No we aren't Varric calm down," I said. "That wall is probably only like a foot thick at most and I can probably punch through it," I said suavishly.

So I went up to the wall and punched it and it split open but Bartrand and all of our people had already disappeared and we were lost and trapped and I was stuck here with Anders and Bethany who are like my two least favorite people in Kirkwall and probably all of the Free Marches and Thedas. I screamed warrior womanishly because I hated them so much.

"How are we going to get back to the surface?" Asked Bethany stupidly.

"Oh my MAKER Bethany you are SO DUMB if you DON'T have a suggestion on how to FIX THE PROBLEM then DON'T SAY ANYTHING. ANDRASTE."

So we walked around through some caves and it was super boring because the darkspawn were so easy to kill I could do it with my eyes closed in fact I just walked into the middle of a bunch of darkspawn and swirled my specially hand-crafted enchanted without apostate blood magic greatsword in one loop and all of the darkspawn instantly died because I was so strong. I wished that I wouldn't have to remember all of this boring walking like I didn't remember the first two weeks of our deep roads journey but apparently I had to be here or something.

Anyway, after we fought (and by we I mean me and Varric while Anders and Bethany painted their nails) like a bunch of darkspawn, we met this rock statue that was blocking the road.

"That rock statue is blocking the road," said Bethany redundantly.

"I can SEE that Bethany," I said. "And since you are a weak mage, too weak to punch rocks, I will have to do all of the work myself as usual and punch the rock for us."

I went to punch the rock but then someone was like "Stop!" and I turned around and was like "BETHANY I AM SERIOUS YOU NEED TO STOP TALKING BECAUSE YOU ARE USELESS," but she wasn't talking apparently. In fact from behind me came an evil, magicky glow, that was blue not red, so I knew it wasn't Varric's brother coming to apologize like he obviously should because how dare he cross me, Mercie Hawke, a famous Kirkwallian warrior and mercenary and good killer of darkspawn.

I thought for a second it was that sexie seductress Anders with his blue glowing beauty betraying me and prepared to kill him instantly or maybe tranquilize him so he could be with his unhot platonic friend Karl forever. But instead it was this very unhot rock golem thing? It looked like it was going to say something to me, but I hit it in the face with my sword because who gives a shit it was probably a demond or something and trying to betray me.

Everyone got really happy that I killed it for some reason, because Anders hypocritically hates demons and Bethany has been trained good by me to hate demons so she can not be tempted by them and Varric doesn't really have opinions and just agrees with everything I say but I didn't care because i don't care about what these guys think especially Bethany, and the people who i do care about what they think are back in Kirkwall because my STUPID SISTER needed to come with us. I hadn't seen my prince Fenris in like TWO WEEKS and I was so mad and sad about it.

Ok so we kept going and there were more of those stupid rock guys, so we kept killing them even though they weren't darkspawn and not what I signed up for. Then we kept going into the tunnels further, until we reached this really big colosseum area? And I knew that something was going to happen because something always happens when there's a big empty space like for example the ogre who killed Carber.

And naturally I was right because I have the brains of the group. It was one of those rock guys but like about 10 times bigger and also a lot harder to kill, but not for me because I am really good at killing anything, especially darkspawn and blood mages. He kept exploding light at us and varric, bethany and Anders all STUPIDLY stood RIGHT in the light even though it was obviously hurting them because they wanted to keep hitting it like stupids. I wondered if Bethany was rubbing off on them. She probably just walked into the light because it was pretty and sparkly like those Orlesian shoes we saw in hightown the other day that I didn't let her buy because I am fiscally responsible. Get your own tactics, Bethany!

Finally, because everyone else was dead and stupid, I finally killed it all on my own because I got tired of dealing with everyone's shit and just punched it in the face strongly. Next time I went out killing things in Kirkwall (which I seem to do all the time I don't even know why) I am totally not taking these three butts because they clearly can't handle it. Everyone tried to pretend they didn't get their asses totally kicked by a stupid rock, but I knew.

Anyway, we went to the next room and got a lot of gold, all of which I claimed because I did all of the work for their lazy asses, and they are all freeloaders anyway and live in hovels. Even the Merrill would have been preferable to these assholes. Except for Varric he is my friend and he made witty comments after he died and came back to life, so he made up for it.

So since we have a million gold and nothing else to do down here, we kept going to the surface. We kept walking and fighting a few darkspawns for like a couple weeks that I don't really remember much of, and Bethany kept complaining and being useless. In fact, she was being more useless and stupid than usual, which was a new record for her. Like even more than an infant. She kept on saying that her head was hurting and she was feeling weak and fainting, but I said that's not a problem because that's how she is all the time. She was being such a baby just because we were underground for like a month and she wasn't getting her weekly tanning time because she's so vain and dumb and would probably be a whore if my mom didn't say that whoring is not a valid form of employment. She did look pretty gross and veiny, but that was probably a mage thing.

Bethany fell over AGAIN for like the third time today, and even though I wanted to keep moving and just drag her because she was acting like a toddler, Anders stopped me.

"Hawke, your sister looks really sick," said Varric unaskedly.

"Who asked you, Varric?" I asked.

"Mercie," started Anders even though I TOLD HIM he wasn't allowed to use my first name because the sound of it coming out of anyone's lips not unto-andraste, especially someone so lowly and deviant, made me literally sick to my holy stomach. "I've seen this before. I think Bethany might…"

"... I HAVE THE BLIGHT!" shouted Bethany whisperishly so that she seemed more weak and damsel in distressy, not that she needed help in that area, because she is literally always a damsel in distress but no hot princes like her so I always have to save her.

"YO ACTUALLY?" I asked.

"I'm sorry…" said Anders. "There aren't many options…"

"I KNOW WHAT THE BLIGHT IS, MAGE SCUM. BETHANY IS TOTES GONNA DIE, ISN'T SHE? MY BEAUTIFUL BABY SISTER! MY SWEET BELOVED BETHANY!" I yelled sadly, with tears of chagrin running suddenly down my face, making it look sorrowfully more beautiful than usual. Varric blushed at my hotness.

"Well, actually, I used to be a Grey Warden." Said Anders even though I already knew that. "There is one way we could save her, although there's always a possibility it might not work."

"Spit it out," said Bethany still weakly but a little impatient, so her whisper sounded a little sassy.

"Well, I don't know," I said sorrowfully. "I mean, I don't want to cause Bethany, my sweet little sister, any more pain or hardship."

"Hear him out," said Bethany again and I wasn't even mostly annoyed at her because she interrupted me again rudely, because she is dying so I was sad.

"Well, we could try to bring her to the Grey Wardens in Orlais," said Anders.

"Orlais is like super far away and I have like a million gold that I have to carry all of it because you are all too weak to carry shares," I pointed out smartly.

"Well, I could take her to the Grey Wardens in Orlais," Anders specified, which was good, because I hated him and Bethany both, except not now that she is dying, so they would both be gone yay.

"What could the Grey Wardens even do?" I asked, because I knew the story of my cousin the beautiful Grey Warden Queen of Fereldan by heart and she never cured people from the blight so Anders was probably lying.

"She'd have to join the Grey Wardens," said Anders. "It's a risky process but… it could save her."

"Hmmm," I said. "What is this process?"

"It's technically a secret," said Anders.

"Dude, you hate the Grey Wardens and also left them because they killed your cat so. You should totally tell me because I love learning secrets. And also because my sister is dying." I pointed out again smartishly. "Also if you don't tell me, I won't trust you or let Bethany go with you, so."

"Well, ok, that is true, I do hate the Grey Wardens so I guess I will tell you," said Anders. "The Joining is like this process where you drink darkspawn blood and then maybe die unless you are a main character or a party companion, then you don't die."

"DRINK DARKSPAWN BLOOD?" I yelled. "THAT IS FOR SURE BLOOD MAGIC AND MY HOLY AND SEXY COUSIN RAVENA COUSLAND WOULD NEVER DO THAT."

"Actualy, I'm psure she did," said Anders. "Because like, she is the beautiful, sexy queen of grey wardens, so I think she actually had to join them to become the queen of them."

"You are CLEARLY lying because you are BLOOD MAGE GARBAGE," I said haughtishly and hottishly. I turned to Bethany and knelt down beside her as she sputtered and coughed (even though she was fine like two minutes ago and was clearly being overdramatic but I guess it was ok because she was dying). I held her in my arms, which is like the first time I've touched her since she was born a mage, but I felt like my mom would probably want me to do that.

"Oh Bethany, I am so sorry it had to end like this," I said, sparklingly crying tears all over her body. "If only you hadn't insisted on coming to the Deep Roads." Sometimes my tears had healing properties like unto Andraste but Bethany was a mage so they didn't work on her because Andraste realizes that mages aren't worth saving.

"I'm sorry too, sister," said Bethany, putting a hand on my cheek. "I just… wish… I could have… bought… those Orlesian shoes…" And then she died.

"Well, let's go," I said to Anders and Varric, dropping Bethany on the ground.

"Aren't you gonna like, bury her?" asked Anders condescendingly.

"Of course not!" I said. "If I leave her here, the darkspawn will totally eat her body, which is a fitting end for a mage since darkspawn are corrupted mages and therefore she will be where she belongs. Also, don't question me, mage."

Varric did not question my burial methods because he is a dwarf and also smarter than Anders. We walked for like two more minutes and then made it to the surface. I blinked in the sunlight because I had been underground for like a whole month and said "Well, too bad Bethany didn't make it this far." Then we went back to Kirkwall.


	11. Chapter 11: Dead Memories

OK so. It was three years later after Bethany's crule, untimely, tragic, horrific, darkspawnish death at the hands of darkspawn because of her own stupidity. I was terribly sad still and also my mom was still sad and also a little bit mad at me because I didn't keep Bethany alive and well like a good babysitter but instead "let" her die. Andraste, mother, she died of her own stupidity, get it together.

Anyway, we were still living in Gamlen's shithole of a hovel in Lowtown, which was OK because I had my own room now with no Orlesian drapery and also my BFF Isabela's house the Hanged Man was just around the corner where I liked to drink and pick up templars of the unchaste variety. But it also still kind of sucked because every time I walked into the house after a night of partying it up or killing things for money, my mom would always give me this sassy side eye and also hate on me silently. So basically, I had to something about that. I asked Varric for his opinion, because he is my friend and also a dwarf so good at money, like all dwarves are good at money, but not in a racial way.

"So, like, my mom is totally being a bitch," I complained one night as me and my BFFs Isabela and Aveline and Varric and my prince Fenris and my student the Merrill and that gross mage seductress who still hangs out with us despite getting Bethany killed, Anders, were hanging out in the Hanged Man because it is the place to hang haha.

"Um, don't you have like a lot of money now?" Aveline asked, because I totally told her all about our super cool expedition to the Deep Roads of which I was the star and also we got a lot of money and killed darkspawn, two of my favorite things. "Can't you just buy her nice things so she'll like you? If you bought me nice things like a shield, I would like you even more than I already like you, which is impossible because we are BFFs."

Isabela's eyes flashed seductively and jealously with jealousy. "Excuse me, I am Mercie's BFF."

Aveline ignored her teen girlishly and I smiled because they are both my BFFs but I am worth fighting over so I let them do it.

"Ugh, my mom doesn't want money or nice things," I said. 'She is not materialistic like Bethany was, rest her abominable soul, so I cannot buy her love with simple Orlesian trinkets. What am I going to do?"

Varric was all like, "Well, Hawke, didn't your mother's family have a title back in the day?"

"I don't even know what a title means, Varric, I told you not to talk in dwarven business speak around me," I snapped snappishly. I usually don't snap at my friends but I was sad and tired and mad at my mom so I was particularly snappy.

"You could buy back your mother's family's estate here in town," Varric recommended dwarven businessly.

"I do have a lot of money from killing darkspawn," I admitted. "But I like my money because I can use it to buy booze and certainly not templar whores ever, and also I worked very hard for it, unlike you who just came along for the scenery and to get betrayed by your brother and also died like twice."

Fenris casually spoke up in a deep, chocolate voice like wolves running across a glen. "Hawke, you should consider what Varric's suggesting. It wouldn't bring Bethany back, but I think it would make your mom pretty happy to have her old heirlooms back."

"Plus," said Isabela sexily and suggestively, "You would live closer to Fenris wink wink," she said aloud.

"Well," I sighed and contemplatively agreed, "This is a pretty good argument. Also, I am getting like a ton of mercenary and also other work these days that I am very good at because I am good at working unlike Anders who still lives in Darktown." Anders looked up at me from playing with his hair, and shrugged because it is true he still lives in Darktown. "So I guess I could like, look into buying this estate or whatever."

After making such a good and brave decision, I drank three beers because I have a good alcohol tolerance and then I asked Varric.

"So, how do I go about buying this estate?" I asked Varric.

"Well, I heard it's been overrun by slavers," he said. "But if you could find a back entrance, and kill them like you obviously like to do, you could probably find some paperwork proving the estate belonged to your mom's family. Then you bring the paperwork to -"

"Ugh, I HATE paper and also reading and writing!" I yelled seductively. Reading and writing are magely feats to be done in the circle tower and by old people who are unsound of body, and not by strong warrior women who have much more important and warriorish business to attend to. "That is wwaaaaay to much work. I will find some other way to get this estate that doesn't involve killing people and spending my money, which I hate to do."

So I thought about it for a few days while my mom moped around the house because Bethany is dead, even though it's been like three years mom, and also she didn't spend nearly as much time mourning Carber's death even though he is a strong a warrior and not a mage abomination which makes him way better than Bethany even though he was annoying.

Then I realized I could totally call in a favor from my favorite cousin Ravena Cousland, queen of the grey wardens and also of Fereldan who was never going to die because she is immortal, and is also supes rich and beautiful. But then I also realized that she does not live in the pisshole that is Kirkwall, she lives in the beautiful, utilitarian, dog-loving Fereldan, so I could not just run into her house and ask her for a favor because it is across the ocean, and I would have to write her a letter, which I hate. Since Bethany is no longer here and is dead, she couldn't write my letters for me. I would get another mage to do it, but I hate mages and lock them up in the circle as soon as I see them.

Then I realized I had two magely acquaintances who sometimes ran around with me on my errands. I thought about asking the Merrill to write my letter but she is dumb and an illterate elf, so she couldn't do it, and besides when I asked her, she was busy not cleaning her house and said something about a mirror but that couldn't be true because elves are ugly and do not own mirrors. But only the free marches elves because my cousin Ravena Cousland, queen of the grey wardens also of Fereldan, is half-Fereldan-elf and also beautiful and immortal so she is never going to die.

Then I realized that I could ask Anders to write my letter even though I hate him because he owed me for double-tranquilizing his platonic friend, and also for getting Bethany killed in the Deep Roads, and also he needed to repay me for letting him hang out with me all the time, because I was so famous and strong and warriorish that just being near me brought up his status in the slums of Darktown.

So I summoned Anders to my house because I do not step foot in Darktown because it ruins my shoes the slums do with their poo-filled streets. Even though I am not a materialist who cares about such things like outward appearance, having poo-filled shoes is not pleasant or functional. So I made him come to my house, where he knocked on the door and my mom answered it.

"Oh hello," said my mom pleasantrielish and flirtishly. "Are you one of Mercie's friends? She tells me about you all." Then she called to me. "Mercie, there is an attractive man at the door. Is he one of your friends? Can he be mine?"

"MAKER mother NO he is a gROSS MAGE SEDUCTRESS LIKE DAD ACTUALLY!" I said as I ran to the door and grabbed Anders' arm and dragged him to my room where my mom couldn't see him.

"Andraste, Anders, I can't believe you tried to seduce my mother that is super rude of a house guest of you!" I exclaimed. "Now write me this letter!"

"Ok fine, but I wasn't trying to seduce your mom," said Anders. "BTW, is it true that your dad was a mage?"

"OMG ANDERS! Whatever. He was a good mage, OK, unlike you. Now here is some paper and like a quill thing that I'm pretty sure you mages write with."

So Anders wrote a letter to Ravena and then left because I shoved him out the door for stinking up my house with his gross hoboness and also before my mom could see him again. She is obviously fooled by his blood mage charms because she is weak to mage charms because she married my dad, a mage.

"He was quite a nice young man," said my mom. "You should bring him by more often. I think you to look good together."

"UGH mom I am not marrying a mage like you! I am marrying a hot elf prince with skin like chocolate who I am going to bring by more often because he only smells like alcohol, not poo, and does not have any magely charm like Anders. Except for his glowing lyium tattoos but those are not mageish they are lyrimlish."

So I sent the letter to my best cousin Ravena who is also my most beautiful cousin and most immortal cousin of all of my other cousins, who are not beautiful or immortal because they are mostly mages. She instantly sent back a reply. I brought the paper which I did not read back to the estate, where it instantly burned all of the slavers to crisp in a half-elvish fashion and also cleaned the entire house and also did all of my paperwork for me. That is why Ravena is my favorite cousin.

I brought my mom to the house and she was overjoyed to have her old stuff back like probably some tapestries and pictures and reasonable clothing that did not stink and shit. She instantly forgave me for Bethany's crule, untimely, tragic, horrific, darkspawnish death at the hands of darkspawn and Anders, which she should have done immediately because it was not my fault at all but I'm over it. Then we lived happily in our estate and I continued to kill things for money. But not everything was perfect because I did not have my prince yet because he was playing hard to get and also did not seem to notice all of the times I sat at his house and watched him drink by the fireplace. It was OK though, because ours is a lasting love that will eventually previal over all.

Or so I thought… but then, tragedy struck, in the form of giant, grey, horned beasts. TO BE CONTINUED.


	12. Chapter 12: Vermillion

After a fulfilling day of running around town killing thugs and clearing the streets of vermin, I stopped by the Merrill's house after work to see how my student was doing. Her house was a mess as usual because she is disgusting and elves just aren't as clean as humans, even my beautiful elf soon to be husband lives in a pig sty with corpses from three years ago that he still hasn't cleaned out despite my protestations.

"How's it going, the Merrill," I said, barging in friendlily. Varric and Isabela and Anders were with me because I have to bring Anders along everywhere because my friends are not strong warriors like me and tend to die all the time in battle, which is annoying. Unfortunately, the Merrill did not possess Anders' blood magic ability of healing despite being a recovering blood mage herself, so I didn't take her along as much. I had to check on her because I hadn't been teaching her holy lessons like unto Andraste in a while, despite having tranquilized three mages just this morning, I forgot to bring her, so she learned nothing. Also, the Merrill is so dumb that when I leave her alone for too long she forgets not to use blood magic and also sometimes where she lives or my name.

"Who's this?" asked the Merrill chirpily, pointing at the blonde Adonis who I begrudgingly brought everywhere even though he is more whiny than my prince sometimes. I forgot to not bring Anders along to meet the Merrill. I had never brought them along together on my adventures because I didn't want Anders' blood mage and mother-seducing ways to rub off on the Merrill.

"Oh, this is no one," I said. "He's a whore I brought from Darktown. Ignore him."

"Oh hello, a fellow mage I see," Anders said pointedly, glaring at me, and staring at the Merrill's collection of elf dalish staffs in the corner. "I didn't know that Mercie had other mage friends. She never told me about you ever and keeps telling me that I am the only mage she has not brought to the circle and I should be grateful she has not tranquilized me."

"Anders, I told you not to refer to me by my first name," I reminded him smartly. "This is the Merrill."

"I'm glad you said her name, because I had forgotten it for a second," said the Merrill. "Also, Hawke, I have a job for you that involves killing things which you like and also possibly getting money, which you also like, which I remember even though I forget your name sometimes, because I am your best friend."

"Gurl, I am totally Mercie's best friend," said Isabela seductively and jealously with jealousy. But I liked watching them fight because they are both hot and also my friends except the Merrill because she is a mage.

"Yes, I do like killing things and getting money, in fact," I said politely. "What is this job?"

"Wow, look at you, taking a job from a mage without complaint," said Anders. "It's funny how every time you take a job from me, also a mage, you make me follow you around and be your personal butler for two days as repayment. You and this lovely girl must be very close. Almost as if she seduced you, and not your mother, which was not my fault at all."

"Please stop saying words, mage whore," I told him.

"He doesn't look like a whore to me," said the Merrill. "Anyway, I've found the ahluvean in the depths of that mountain where my people live. If we're able to get it out of the cave, I'm sure I can do some blood magic spells to get it working again."

"You hang out with a blood mage and you've never told me about it?" Anders shouted accusatorily.

"Shhh! Don't say those horrid words around my child, the Merrill!" I shouted at Anders because he was being very immature and also covered the Merrill's ears. "The Merrill," I said. "What have I told you about blood magic?"

"Blood magic is evil and a sin in the sight of Andraste," the Merrill recited. "I should never use it because if I do I will turn into a terrifying ugly demon, who is even more unloveable than my mageish self."

"That's right," I said. "If only you didn't have the memory of a gnat, maybe you could remember it."

"You are a hypocrite and also hang out with BLOOD MAGES!" Anders exclaimed again.

"The Merrill is a poor, recovering soul and she doesn't appreciate your victimizing of her! Besides, you are also an evil blood mage, more evil than the Merrill because you are too hot and also super annoying!" I shouted at Anders. "Now, if you don't calm down, you're going to have to leave the buddy group instead of Varric, who I always kick out because he keeps leering at Fenris."

Varric shrugged and adjusted his crossbow.

Anders muttered some things under his breath which were probably insults, which was insulting myself and the Merrill, he was so rude. Thankfully, he didn't say anything else, so we ended up kicking out Varric anyway, so he could go write his fanfiction in the Hanged Man while playing scrabble with the templar patrons, and me and the Merrill and Isabela my gurl BFF, and Anders who I hate headed up to Sundermount.

There was like this super gross cave that we had to go into after going through a whole camp of weird alien Free Marches elves who stared at me and called me a shemlen. Don't they know that I am Mercie Hawke, famous champion of Kirkwall who is a strong, famous warrior woman and also the true heir of her most holy Andraste? Probably not, because these elves are heathens who reject the truth and light of the Chantry and also live under literal rocks and don't understand my celebrity status. That bitch keeper who I hate told me that some hunters were going missing in the caves, including some guy named Paul who apparently knew the Merrill but probably hated her because even the gross dalish elves, the Merrill's people, hated the Merrill probably because she is a blood mage and also really stupid. But I didn't care about what the bitch keeper said because she is a bitch.

So we went into the caves and got lost a couple of times because the Merrill is a terrible leader and not a strong warrior like unto Andraste and myself. We found weird elf corpses which probably were the hunters, and the Merrill felt bad but I didn't really care because they, too, were not strong warrior women, but hunters, so probably rouges and weak and the other elves were better off without their dirt genes mixing into their people. I told Anders to ressurect them with his healing magic like he always does for us and by us I mean only my friends because I am too strong and also have holy protection to die in battle, but he said that he couldn't bring people back to life with his healing magic. I told him he was useless because what is the point of being a healing blood mage if he can't resurrect people from the dead, and he just stuck his tongue out at me and continued to be hypocritical towards the Merrill and complain that spiderwebs were getting caught in his perfect hair.

So we kept walking and we saw Paul! He seemed nice because he feared the Merrill instinctually, probably smelling her gross blood mageness, but stupid also, because he kept running into the caves, even though I assured him she was not a blood mage. Anders did not help because he kept shouting that she was in fact a blood mage, which may be true but was also unhelpful and not information that should be shared with everyone we come into contact with.

Anyway, we kept going, and the Merrill started talking about this thing called a farterall. We walked into see Paul and a mirror, which is weird because elves don't use mirrors because they can't see their reflections in them because they don't have any. He looked scared, and I was about to send Isabela to seduce him back to us so we could save at least one of these elves so that bitch keeper wouldn't be so bitchy at me. but then this crazy monster fell down from the ceiling, that was like all sticks and stuff but wasn't very scary. Paul pooped his pants and then got eaten, poop and all.

Me and my friends and the Merrill and Anders were stunned for a moment by Paul's utter uselessness, and then quickly killed the farterall, which was so easy that even the Merrill who is stupid in battle, could do it on her own probably. No wonder the dalish elves have to live outside the city and away from civilization, because they are all weak and can't take care of themselves in normal society. Also because the templars would probably lock them up for being mages and heathens.

So the Merrill was like "OK here is the ahluvean that we need to bring back to my house."

I was all like, "The Merrill, why do you need a mirror? You can't see yourself in it and also your hair is always awful, so I don't think there's really anything you can do about it."

"No, silly, the ahluvean is not for doing hair and looking at myself which I can't do because I'm an elf, it is for teleporting and also fortune-telling."

"Well, if you insist, I guess you can have it," I said, because she did not say it was used for blood magic. "If you get any good horoscopes from it, remember that I am a scorpio."

"OK," said the Merrill. Then she tried to pick up the mirror but she was too weak, so she made me carry it all the way down the mountain and back to her house, which was no problem because I am so strong it was like carrying a feather, but also it was rather an inconvenience to me, so as payment, I made Anders make me dinner for two weeks. He was a much better cook than my mom because he is a mage and therefore domestic.

I was feeling really stressed because I spent the day talking to so many mages, so I began to relax and unwind in my beautiful elven boyfriend's house. It had been three years and staring at him while he drank next to the fireplace was getting kind of old. Also, he hadn't made a move in like three years, and like I get the whole brooding elf prince playing hard to get, but come on man.

"Fenfen," I said after staring at him for a bit and briefly falling asleep, "We should go for a nature walk or something."

"Very well," he said bitterly like a pill and I was actually pretty surprised because he is super stubborn and the last fourteen times I told him to get out of the house he just told me he hated everything and didn't want to go outside.

So we went to walk romantically along the wounded coast because it's like the only place outside the city and every time I walk into any direction outside the city I still end up there. Fenris looked darkly magnificent in the setting sun, the glints of light glistening off of his snow white hair. The colors of the sunset reflected in his deep, pensive eyes, and his lithe form was silhouetted beautifully against the sand and shore. I wanted to ravish him, then and there, but I knew he had his boundaries, and I had to respect them. But also, hot sex on the beach is pretty hot.

I was so busy fantasizing about the two of us making sweet, beach love, that I barely noticed an angry mage step out in front of me. But I have reflexes like a crouching tiger and a hidden dragon so I totally drew my enormous enchanted not magically greatsword of holiness before the mage could pull any business.

"Yo bro I'm here for the slave bro," said the mage in his horrible Tevinter accent. "I don't want to hurt you bro, just hand over the slave, and no one gets hurt."

"He's not a slave!" I cried passionately, crystalline tears forming at the corners of my eyes as I stepped in front of Fenris protectively and warriorishly. "He is a free elf, and you will never have his beautiful princely bod again!"

"Yo, not cool bro," said the Tevinter. "Imma have to attack you. Hadriana sends her regards, brosephine."

The mage moved his index finger slightly but that was all he could do before I called down the power of Andraste and he burned to a crisp on the spot, leaving a dark, tragic ash mark on the otherwise perfect and romantical beach.

I turned to Fenris tsunderishly. "It's okay, my love," I said. "I will protect you from the slavers." The sun was setting beautifully about the shore upon which I protected my prince. The radiant beams of red and gold shot about us and I looked up to perfect, chiseled jawline and leaned in…

Suddenly, my beloved marble chocolate statue pulled away. "Not now, Hawke," he said broodishly. "Hadriana is here. It's only a matter of time before she finds me. We need to get to her first."

"Don't worry, Fenfen!" I exclaimed. "I will protect you! I am a beautiful templarishly saint of Andraste and no harm will come to you while we are passionately making out on this beach!"

"It's not right, Hawke," said Fenris. "You don't understand the things that she did to me. She was just as bad as Daenerys." A single, limped tear, rolled down his lyrimish visage.

I took my prince's hand calmly and lovingly, and pressed it to my lips gentlewomanishly. "Alright Fenris, if that is what you want," I said. "I promise I will do anything for you."

"Then promise me this," said Fenris. "When we find Hadriana, you will let me kill her myself."

Though I do enjoy kill stealing, I consented. "Of course, my love."


	13. Chapter 13: Vermillion pt 2

So we went to this cave/dungeony place that looked awfully familiar but apparently I had never been here before. It was just me and Fenris because all of my friends are super judgmental and opinionated whenever I help him out, and also is was more gofficly romantical when just me and Fenris went alone to confront his torchured past. Also, I was a strong warrior woman and he too was a strong warrior woman but in a manly way so there was no way we needed more help, especially since most of my friends are incompetant except for that healing blood mage Anders who I resented bringing everywhere. And Fenris too resented this because he hates Anders even more than me, if that is even possible.

So we went into the place and there was like a bunch of blood mages! I hate blood mages, out of all mages even, who I also hate, they are the worst kind except for Anders who is the worst worst. I killed them sexily with my double enchanted lyrimish greatsword of destiny, and Fenris watched because I was protecting him girlfriendishly and also the battle was over before he could even join in the blood bath because I liked to kill steal.

Ok, so, we went into this big centre room which was also fairly familiar and I vaguely remembered tranquilizing and/or killing some blood mages in it, but I'm pretty sure it was a different place that time, and there were like a bunch of cages and a table in the middle with an elf corpse on it. I shielded my prince's eyes from the damage that was done horrifically to one of his people.

"What's going on?" asked Fenris because he couldn't see anything.

"Nothing, my love, don't worry about it," I assured him, and quickly, without taking my hand away from shielding his beautiful, opalescent, jade eyes, buried the elf and said a prayer to Andraste to guide her soul to the Maker's side. I wasn't sure if prayers worked on elves since they were a heretical race, but at least I tried so that counts and Andraste would surely be pleased by my holiness. Then I let Fenris look around again because even though there were more elf corpses around at least I got rid of the one that was on like a creepy altar.

Suddenly, I realized that one of the decrepit, sunken, malnourished elf corpses was in fact not a corpse but real, live, breathing elf maiden.

"What troubles you, elf maiden?" I asked gently and princessly.

"Have you come to save me?" asked the elf maiden gently and princessly.

"Of course!" I said like the true gentlewoman that I am.

"Oh perfect! I was worried because my other slave masters got killed by some chick who hates blood mages, and I have no one to be my slave owner anymore. Will you be my slave owner?"

"Fear not, elf maiden, I will gladly take up the task," I said because I am a saint like unto Andraste and would never abandon a poor soul in need as long as they aren't a mage, which I'm pretty sure this girl wasn't because she looked really dumb and illiterate, and we all know that mages do nothing except read and write all day.

"Um, Hawke, are you seriously going to keep an elf as your slave?" Fenris asked incredulously.

"Um, Fenfen, it is totes not slavery if she wants to be a slave," I said. "Besides, I don't have any servants right now because I rejected those gross dwarves that wanted to be my servant, and also I am super rich so I can pay her good money, and also my mom would probably love to have a girl around who she dress up in pretty dresses since Bethany is dead and I hate dresses."

"Slavery is evil! Mercie, I can't believe you would even consider it!" he yelled accusatorily.

"Fenfen, I said I would pay her good money so that is totally not slavery! How dare you compare me to evil things such as Tevinter blood mages! I swear, sometimes when you get mad and upset you don't listen to anyone!"

"It doesn't matter," said Fenris. "Just send her home. We have to get to Hadriana."

I sighed frustratedly because sometimes my boyfriend can be so stubborn. I am a strong woman with a tortured past and a strenuously relationship with my family. After arriving in Kirkwall, I met a dashing elf with an equally dark past. Can him and I help each other heal past wounds? Or will our strong beliefs and personalities keep us apart? Anyway, I sent the elf chick to my house with a map of directions that hopefully she can follow because they are just pictures and not words. Fenris stewed in a corner, probably thinking about how much he hates Hadriana.

We walked down some more hallways in silence. I was slightly worried that Fenris was mad at me because I decided to keep that elf chick as a servant, which is not the same thing as a slave at all, but then I realized that he is usually silent and broody even on good days, so he is probably just working some things out. I am a very understanding girlfriend like that.

So, finally, we went into the room with Hadriana. I knew her name was Hadriana because Fenris shouted it when we entered the room and he hasn't stopped muttering it under his breath since we met that mage on the wounded coast.

"HADRIANA!" Fenris bellowed masculinly like a waterfall, drawing his greatsword that was not as cool and enchanted as mine, because my was locked to me because only I am holy enough to wield it.

I was going to tell Fenris to think about what he was doing before reacting rashly and angrily, but I knew that was pointless, so instead, I just kept watch to make sure no blood mages would interrupt his hate rant at Hadriana.

"Why did you come here?" Fenris asked passionately with anger like fire.

"To find you, of courrse," said Hadriana evilly with a meniacal laugh. "You were Daenerys's best slave, and he would do anything to get you back."

"Not cool!" I yelled from the corner while keeping watch. "I saw him first and totally called dibs."

"Actually, Daenerys saw him first, you moron," said Hadriana even more evilly and like a moron because she is the true moron because she insulted my smarts and I am smarter than her.

"Don't insult my girlfriend," said Fenris protectively and I fainted because he was so hot and then immediately stood up to check for blood mages.

"No matter what you do to me, Daenerys will find you," Hadriana cackled like a witch because she is probably a blood mage because she is from Tevinter and everyone in Tevinter is a blood mage.

"That's enough," said Fenris, and he reached his arm back to kill her sickly with lyrim power like a hot sparkling elf prince, but first he checked with me to make sure it was ok.

"I'm totally cool with killing Tevinter blood mages," I assured him assuredly. So he killed the Tevinter blood mage fistishly and she died and screamed in agony as she died and was dragged down to hell to party with her demon friends and be cut off from the sight of Andraste and tortured for the rest of eternity like all blood mages are.

"I hope that made you feel better, Fenfen," I said. "I've been really worried about you. Do you want to talk about it?"

Instead of responding, Fenris flung himself into my arms and suddenly we were making out passionately and sexily. His elegant elvhen fingers entwined themselves in my long, luscious, raven hair as I leant further into our emotionful embrace. I picked him up with my strong womanly arms which was easy because he is a light, lithe elf and slammed him against the cold, slimy cave walls and we continued to make out hotly with tongue. His hands were covered in blood and it was getting into my hair which was really hot.

All of a suddenly, we both slid down to the floor and I removed my gigantic pauldrons and also breastplate and hauberk and cuirass and my greaves and arm guards and gauntlets and boots and also my vambraces and cuisses. Then I removed my protective mail underarmor as well to reveal my gorgeous, silken, Fereldan bod. Then Fenris removed his spiky pauldrons and also hauberk and cuirass and gauntlets and boots and vambraces and cuisses but not his arm guards because he does not wear those because he likes to reveal his lriumish glowing arm muscles in battle. Then he took off his underarmor to reveal his caramel, luscious, sprinkling bod. I traced my fingertips along the veins of his glowing lyrim tattoos over his firm, supple pectoral muscles. He moaned pleasantrily and also his lyrum tattoos started to glow more bluishly. He blushed kawaiily on his perfect, strong jawboned face and he purred sexily.

Fenris was the most sexy and beautiful like a god elf man that I had ever laid eyes on. I forgot all of the anger and frustration that I had felt earlier that day in those moment, because it was so perfect. We were finally going to do it.

I laid back femininely and Fenris laid on top of me masculinely. Our lips locked as he ENTERED ME FOR THE FIRST TIME! And I can tell you that it was well worth the wait! Our limbs were intertwined and we moved in perfect synchronization, as if our bodies and even our souls were one. I could feel the approving gaze of Andraste over me, as well as the tortured, empty eyes of Hadriana whose head was positioned in such a way that she could look on enviously as we made love. Fenris, I could tell, was in the throes of ecstasy - I was probably the best sex that had ever lived, but as soon as I thought that, I felt an ominous, goffic presence judging me.

"Oh, Hawke," Fenris called out orgasmingly and I too called out orgasmingly but I said Fenris and not Hawke because that would be weird. We lied there for a bit, catching our breaths. I took a break to move Hadriana's corpse because she was creeping me out and I don't have the tolerance for dead bodies that Fenfen does.

Then we put back on our underarmor and then our pauldrons and hauberks and cuirasses and gauntlets and boots and greaves and cuisses and also I put on arm guards, and then we went back to Kirkwall to Hightown and we got to the steps of my beautiful, gorgeous, super clean because my mom and my new elf servant cleaned it, mansion that anyone in their right mind would want to live in instead of the shitholes and bars that my friends live in. Fenris stopped on the steps rudely.

"Fenris, come in," I said. "Me casa e su casa, as they say in Antiva."

"I can't," said Fenris suicidally.

"What do you mean? Of course you can! It is my house that I got completely legally from my cousin Ravena, queen of the grey wardens and also Fereldan. So you can totally come in and you wouldn't be squatting like you do in your corpse-filled mansion."

"No it's… it's too sudden," said Fenris broodily.

"Dude, we just had sex in a cave!" I exclaimed. "I think we're good."

"No, my princess, I can't be with you. It's not healthy for either of us."

"What the hell, Fenfen, way to lead a girl on," I said, but he had already disappeared into the darkness, leaving me alone on the steps of my house like Cinderella. Except for Fenris didn't wear shoes so he didn't have anything to leave for me, and also I knew where he lived anyway. I considered following him back to his house but I knew he would be stubborn and not listen to me and also he totally rejected me! So instead I cried and ran to the Hanged Man to be comforted by my BFF Isabela and my friend Varric and also Aveline came along because she's cool and we drank away my sorrows just like Fenris does every night in his mansion alone. Which he would be doing for a long time if he didn't apologize.


	14. Chapter 14: Lech

I swore not to hang out with Fenris until he apologized to me. This was difficult because usually I went to his gross mansion filled with corpses that is way less nice than my mansion to have mental conversations with him on account of the fact that we are spiritually connected every night. Over our spiritual connection like unto Andraste, I informed him of this, and then put him on spiritual silent treatment until he apologized.

Anyway, since I was no longer busy being romantical with my super hot babe chocolate elven prince, I decided to deal with a super huge problem that had fallen on the beautiful seaside town of Kirkwall. The viscount, who is like pretty much the king of Kirkwall because he wears a crown, contacted me to deal with Kirkwall's problems because he knew I was smart and beautiful and a strong warrior woman and a saint like unto Andraste and also that my cousin was Ravena Cousland, the beautiful and immortal queen of the grey wardens and also Fereldan. Also, I was totally famous like more famous than the viscout because no one ever actually talks about him, so he knew I was the right person for the job. I accepted it because I would get money which I love, even if I wasn't supposed to kill people, which I also love.

So we went to the docks like the viscount told. I took Isabela with me because she is a rouge, sexy beautiful pirate queen and loves the docks and the sea and ships, and her rougishly charming ways could be helpful with the non-killing. Also we took Aveline because she is my BFF and also Isabela's BFF and the guard captain which means she has lots of influence here, and we took the Merrill because she had never seen the ocean before and thought it was pretty.

Anyway, we were at the docks and we went to this place that was walled in when I saw… THEM. Terrible, demonic, hedonistic, materialistic, sadistic, masochistic, sexist, godless grey-horned beastly sinners. They were called the kunary, I knew because I was smart and the Merrill told me about them because she read books like a mage, and also the viscount said their name like twenty times when he was telling me about this job. So I knew they were going to be here, but it was always a shock to me whenever their parastic encampments popped up.

I had been doing some research on the kunary and by that I mean I made Anders read ten books about them and then tell me what they said, as part of his punishment for killing Bethany in the Deep Roads. Basically, I learned that they are heathens and contrary to the sight of Andraste, even on the same level or maybe worse than mages, but not worse than blood mages because they are the worst worst.

So we got to the walled in place and Isabela was like "I have some people - I mean things to do - so I have to go k bye!" And then she ran away before me or Aveline could stop her.

"Well, that was weird, and now our buddy group is down one member," I said. "But whatever, Isabela is super hot so she probably knows what she's doing."

"Tbh girl, we're better off without Isabela," said Aveline with jealousy, I knew, because she and Isabela are constantly fighting over being my BFF and it is hilarious. Now she was happy because she had me all to herself, because the Merrill doesn't count because she is dumb and not my friend, only my pupil who really sucks at recovering as a blood mage, because she keeps on forgetting about our lessons.

So we went in, and dealt with the gross sweat smell of the kunary, and I wore a face mask because they are gross and also probably diseased and do not deserve to set their gross, diseased eyes on my beautiful, plump, rosy, voluminous lips.

"Who the hell are you?" asked the biggest and ugliest and horniest kunary who sat in a throne with his feet up and got his long, wavy white hair flowing in the wind while being fanned by palm leaves on either side by tall, grey, nubile young men.

"Excuse me, I am Mercie Hawke with no L's, strong warrior woman, famous champion of this town, and also the chosen of Andraste. How do you not know of me," I said accusatorily.

"I do not care about the affairs of puny bas," said the head kunary, while casually sipping on coconut juice and eating a chicken wing. "I have no interest in your insignificant human customs and titles."

"Well, that is too bad for you, because I am here on behalf of the king of Kirkwall," I said. "He is very important and is rightfully shocked that you do not know his name, and more importantly do not know my name, because I am the person with the real power in this city."

"Whatever," said the kunary sassily as he took another sip of his pina colada. "The point is, I need someone to track down a filthy dwarf who stole some shit from me, and I can't spare any more nubile young men because they are too busy giving me physical pleasure. So I need a human to do me this favor, and I couldn't really care less which of you humans prefer to do it."

"Will I get money?" I asked pointedly and Aveline nodded because she understands how important money is.

The kunary casually flicked gold coins into my cleavages from between his fingers and said "There's more where that came from, babe." I snappily picked the coins out of my cleavages through my breastplate and pocketed them before sauteying out of the area.

Since I didn't have a three person buddy group with me at the moment, I was very disoriented and needed to go back to my house to regroup and get a back massage from my recently acquired elf servant while thinking resentful thoughts at Fenris because I knew he disapproved of having elf servants.

I got back to my house and hung up my keys and said hello to my mom and started to tell her about my day.

"By the way, Mercie, you have yet another attractive friend over," said my mom.

"Mom, I told you to stop leering at Anders because he is a blood mage and is just trying to seduce you for your money and life essence," I said tiredly because I was tired of trying to convince my mom that he was not, in fact, my boyfriend, and also my actual boyfriend had just broken up with me and I needed a moment alone.

"Oh, no, it's not Anders, it's that other hot one," said my mom. "I think she's from Antiva."

"ISABELA MY GURL!" I yelled. "JUST THE GIRL I WANTED TO TALK TO!" I ran over to the stairs where Isabela was standing and picked her up womanishly.

"Gurl, I saw that you were totally sad last night and also today, because when we tranquilized those blood mages this morning, you didn't laugh with joy like you normally do, and merely smiled a little bit," said Isabela. "I thought I would come over to help comfort you in this terrible, tragic time that is not at all beneficial to me."

"Gurl, I know what I need," I said. "Totally a sleepover."

"I'll make you two snacks," said my mom embarassingly.

So Isabela got into her super hot lace black nightie with stiletto heels and a sky blue headband to keep her hair out of her face when she slept. And I changed into my simple yet comfortable lounge wear. We did our nails and also our hair and also our makeup and also drank two whole bottles of wine which I had stolen from my Fenfen's basement as vengeance for the trauma that he put me through and also he has literally unnumbered hoards of wine bottles down there so I don't think he'd miss them.

We ended up on the floor of my room drinking wine sadly and talking about our sad, tortured pasts while crying girlfriendishly into each other's arms. Isabela told me about her mom and how she had the worst fate imaginable, being corrupted by those grey horned beasts the kunary and converted to their evil sinnish ways, kunaryism. I told her about how my whole family was cursed with being mages, and I only barely escaped that horrible fate, and I had to make up for it my whole life by chasing down mages and putting them in the circle. Also, Fenris rejected me! And he was the only one who truly understood me, being a similarly minded mage hater with a similarly tragic backstory.

"That is not true," Isabela said consolatorily. "I understand you, Hawke. I too have a tragic and sad backstory."

"But you are not a mage hater like me and Andraste," I said. "So we can never be as close as me and Fenris were… once…"

"Maybe…" said Isabela, reaching out to stroke my raven hair, "We could be… that close… just for one night."

All of a suddenly we were run into each other's mouths. We frenched Orlesianly and I picked her up with my strong womanly arms and we ran down the stairs because we were so enthralled that we needed to get our energy out of our system. Then we realized that the bed was upstairs and also my mom was still down there, so we ran back up into my room, still making out passionately with her in my arms.

Isabela took control in a masculine way and threw me onto the bed - but mostly I jumped because she was so weak but I didn't want her to feel bed. Then she pulled her daggers out kinkily and slashed off my clothes sexily. Normally, I would be mad, but I don't really care about clothes and also I didn't want to ruin the mood.

I was quite naked but Isabela was still clothed but it was ok because she looked powerful and dominatrixy and I took control all the time, so it felt good to give in to the loving passionate love of another womanly woman.

Then, she entered me and I cried out orgasmically! The sex we had was so sexxy and free. It wasn't better or worse than the sex I had with sexy Fenris - just different. One was passionate and loving and angst-ridden, while the other was healing and exciting and slightly hurtful but in a good way. That was probably because Fenris, under his rough exterior, was a sweet inexperienced young lover, while Isabela was a sexy pirate queen with a whole lot of experience.

Our love was like kunary blackpowder - so explosive and powerful that neither of us even saw it coming, and before we knew it, we were passed out in each other's arms. When I woke up, she was gone, and I had a slight hangover from all the wine but not very much of a hangover because I handle my liquor better than all my mercenary friends.


	15. Chapter 15: Gematria (the Killing Name)

OK, so, after that sexy night of sexy and forbidden sexiness that my mom totally did not hear with Isabela, I woke up and realized I had like a bunch of jobs that I needed to do. I had so many jobs because I am a responsible adult and concerned citizen of Kirkwall and not a freeloader, so I worked hard for my money, and my friends just came along with me for shits and giggles.

So first on my list was that horrible, sinful, adulterous kunary dude. I hated helping these godless heathens, but I was responsible and concerned for the king of Kirkwall, and plus he promised to pay me, which was a nice bonus. But mainly it was for the moral reason because I am a saint like unto Andraste.

I stopped by Fenris's gross, disgusting, unliveable living area to see if he was ready to apologize. I stood oustide his window and did not throw rocks at it, because I was mad, but instead told him mindishly to come outside and apologize. I waited for like a whole ten minutes, but he did not appear, probably because he is a drunk and never wakes up before 6PM. I hope that when he does wake up, he'd realize his mistakes, but I let him sleep, because I truly care for his wellbeing as my future prince and husband.

So as I was making my way to darktown, which is unforunate, because I hate it, because Anders lives their and also it is literally a sewer, this Orlesian dude started to talk to me. I was very offended rudely, because Orlesians are beneath me and all of my Fereldan brethren with work ethic, not like that lady who was friends with Anders or Anders himself because he is the worst worst, and also this guy had totally tacky Orlesian embroidery all over his shirt which is so vain and reminded me of Bethany, rest her soul in the Maker's prison with her other mages.

"Excuse me, ms. Mercie Hawke, beautiful and strong warrior of Kirkwall, can you spare a moment?" asked the Orlesian mustachely in his whorish Orlesian accent.

I sighed, because I didn't want to talk and I was busy with my real work, but he did address me properly with respect and I am a polite and kind Fereldan, so I answered. "What do you need, fair citizen?" I asked politely.

"It is horrible," said the dude. "My wife has gone missing! Her name is Ninette and I totally did not abuse her and love her dearly!"

"That is horrible," I said. "Marriage is sanctified by Andraste and if you did not abuse her, as you said, she should totally not leave you."

"That's what I said!" said the Orlesian. "But unfortunately she has been seduced by the many whores at the Blooming Rose."

"That is awful, and I would know nothing about that because I never go to the Blooming Rose or visit templar whores for your information. I will certainly help you get your wife back. I have many friends who were probably whores in the past so they can help me."

"Oh thank you, kind sir," said the Orlesian. "I will surely give you lots of money when you are done, because I am from Hightown and also Orlesian so therefore I am rich."

"Good," I said. "Now leave me alone."

"Of course, fair maiden."

So the guy left and then I left too and went to Lowtown to pick up my friends Isabela and Varric. Isabela looked particularly sexy this morning I don't know why, and Varric looked handsome and chest-hairish for a dwarf as usual. He was excited to come on this adventure since lately I had been leaving him at home a lot, but since I wasn't bringing Fenris around at the moment, he could come along since the only person he could stare at is Anders, who I was going to pick up as soon as we got to Darktown so he could carry me over the puddles of poo.

Anders tried to carry me through Darktown while muttering passive-aggressively under his breath, but his weak magely arms buckled under my strong warrior armor and he dropped me in the poo. I sat there for a moment and then slowly turned to him, glaring at him in disgust, before Isabela and Varric, my real friends, helped me up. I shoved Anders into the poo, but I only pushed him lightly so he didn't fly back like 8 feet, but it didn't really make much of a difference because he never showered and stank anyway. Then I laughed at him and we went to go talk to some chick who was shady and living in Darktown. I made Varric talk to her because she was a dwarf and they have their own language.

So after Varric talked to the dwarf, he told me we had to go through a dank, smelly, dark cave to get to another dwarf dude. I didn't really care though because I was always so gross and stinky and would take a long, hot bath with Orlesian bath bombs, the only good thing that comes from Orlais, when I got home.

We killed probably some spiders and maybe a dragon in the cave, and then emerged on the wounded coast, because I swear literally every path out of the city leads to the wounded coast, and maybe Kirkwall was in some kind of wormhole or something. I took a moment to commemorate the memory of Bethany, who was so dumb that she thought coasts could be wounded, and in turn was wounded herself - deathlishly.

In a flash, we were suddenly attacked! and ambushed by shemlen, which is what Fenris and Merrill call humans, which I think is a pretty cool name and am very knowledgeable about elf culture because I am not a racist. They emerged upon us from either side and were very tall, so Varric got scared and hid behind Anders skirts that he keeps saying are robes but are totes skirts and I'm pretty sure I saw the same design in an Orlesian dress shop Bethany made me go to before she died.

"It's okay friends and Anders, I will save you!" I exclaimed heroically, carving through the tall men like butter and my super double enchanted sparkly greatsword was a butterknife. They fell to the ground in pools of blood and I was also covered in blood hotly. I brushed my blood raven hair out of my face sexily and Isabela and Anders swooned, but not Varric for some reason, he seemed to be enjoying himself behind Anders skirts. I did not understand that because I was so sexy.

So this super short guy because he was a dwarf emerged from the bushes and said "I can't believe you killed my bodyguards!" he yelled. Then he saw me. "Oh, it's you, Mercie Hawke, now I get it," he said, and I nodded because he acknowledged my greatness and proficiency at killing people for money.

"Ah, exactly the nug humper I wanted to see," I said epiphanatorily.

"Really?" asked the dwarf. "And why would you want to see Javaris Tintop? I have certainly never stolen money or goods from people in power, and such as yourself, I am a devout follower of Andraste."

"Um, that is totally impossible," I said smartly, "Dwarves are not Andrastian, right Varric? They are stonian and ancestorian, which are both sins in the eyes of our Savior."

"Actually, Hawke, I'm Andrastian," said Varric.

"OMG really why did you never tell me?" I asked school-girlishly. "We totally need to have deep religious conversations since all of my other friends are heathens! Anyway," I said, turning back to Javaris Tintop. "I guess you can be Andrastian, then."

"Good, because I am," said the dwarf. "Now, why are you hear?"

"I don't actually know, I never asked the gross horny kunary with good taste in alcoholic beverages and nubile young men," I said. "But I think I'm supposed to kill you?"

"Is that so?" He said James-Bond-villainishly. "Well, in that case -" And then he ran away on his stumpy dwarf legs and we didn't even follow him because it was so funny to watch him waddle through the tall grass along the coast.

"Varric, go catch him," I said, wanting to watch Varric waddle as well, but not as a racist. He ran after Javaris Tintop and totally caught him because Varric is the most handsome, rugged, and witty dwarf and he totally seduced Javaris Tintop with his handsome, rugged, witty ways. But unfortunately for Varric and Javaris Tintop, I casually sauteyed over with my long, shemlen legs, and killed Javaris Tintop on the wounded coast.

"Um, Hawke," said Anders. "That was like totally a dumb move, because we have no idea what the point of this mission is, and now we have no one to ask about it."

"Shut up, Anders," I said because he was making too much sense and since he is stupid, that probably meant his blood mage temptressness was starting to work on me. "I know what we have to do. We have to go back to the kunaries to get my money." I told him explanatorishly because I knew what I was doing, Anders!

So we walked back into the city, and Isabela and I walked in front because we were so sexy with a strut, and Varric walked behind us and Anders walked behind us collecting the gold dust and jewels that we spontaneously exuded due to our extreme beauty. There was a hierarchy in our friendship. Anders picked up the jewels because he is poor and a freeloader. Anyway, if we were all walking together, which we never do because our buddy groups have to be four people, it would be me and Fenris up front, then Isabela and Aveline, who are my BFFs, then varric who is my friend but a dwarf and cannot keep up on his short, stubby legs, then the Merrill because she is a mage and says dumb things, and finally Anders like probably twenty feet behind us because he is the worst worst and he whines all the time and nobody wants to hear it.

As soon as we got into the city we were totally gassed by poisonous green gas which was super unexpected because this quest made no sense! I saw some guard guy and was going to go talk to him, but he died from the gas before I could make it to him.

I smartly realized that the gas was coming from wooden barrels, because I could interact with them. I used my smart and strong warrior ways to punch the barrels so that the gas stopped coming from them. Also, I made all of my friends stay on the high ground so they didn't die, but I was immune to the gas because I have such great constitution. Then some crazy elves attacked me after I got rid of all the gas by punching it. They tried to talk to me and shout stuff at me but I killed them so fast that I didn't hear any of it.

"Mercie, why do you keep killing people who could give us information, now we're even more lost!" exclaimed Anders from the high ground where I was smartly keeping him safe and doing all the work while he did nothing and was useless, because I was too good to ever need healing, especially from a blood mage.

"Anders, stop questioning me, or I'll push you in the poop again when I take you home! Also don't call me Mercie!" I yelled back at him.

So, we walked into the kunary compound. I felt mildly bad that we were so disgusting from walking through darktown, and the creepy caves, and being near that dwarf Javaris Tintop, and also getting poison gas all over us but me mainly, but I figured the kunary are always so gross and smelly so they probably wouldn't notice.

"What on earth is that smell?" the head kunary asked as soon as I got into the compound. He had his fan boys start fanning the other way towards us, which I thought was very rude.

"Excuse me," I said. "I did good work for you, how dare you insult me?"

"First of all," said the kunary, "it is very rude to come into my presence smelling like shit, and second of all, you didn't even ask me what the job was, you just left and killed a bunch of people!"

"I am a good mercenary, and killing people is what I do, which you would know if you paid attention to what goes on in this city!" I yelled back at him rebuttishly.

By the way, Isabela had totally left again as soon as we got to the compound, which is weird, and also why didn't she take Varric with her because they live in the same place. Now I was stuck with Anders, who I hate, and Varric, who kept staring at him and also now the horny kunary. I sorely needed one of my BFFs or at least the Merrill who comforts me because she is so stupid.

"Also, do you know what is rude?" I asked the kunary. "You have not even introduced yourself, you whore!"

"I am not a whore, I just hire them," explained the kunary, adusting his sunglasses. "And only from respectable establishments like the Blooming Rose and the Templar Order. Also, my name is Arishok, and you better remember it, bitch."

I was insulted and appalled and hurt that he would use a swear at me, and also that he would insinuate the templars hire out whores, so I left immediately, and he threw his money at my cleavages as I left like I was a whore. Anders picked it up for me because I was so insulted.


	16. Chapter 16: Skin Ticket

So we left the compound because Arishok kept throwing money at our cleavages like we were whores which we are not, Varric just wears a really low cut shirt. Anyway, I had to go back to the Hanged Man to get Isabela back and tell her that we were done visiting the kunary. She leaves always when we visit the kunary and I don't really blame her because they are stinky and where are they getting all of these palm fronds, it is probably illegal.

We got to the Hanged Man, and by we I mean me and Anders and Varric in case you forgot.

"HEY ISABELA MY GURL BFF WHERE YOU AT?" I yelled casually as I walked into the bar. Some patrons glared at me obnoxiously for yelling but I put up my middle finger at them because I am Mercie Hawke, the champion and also chosen of Andraste, a saint. So I can do what I want.

"Hey gurl," said Isabela sirenly. "Are you done visiting those gross kunary with their illegal palm frond and blackpowder business?"

"Yep, totes," I said. "Anyway, me and the crew are going to run some more errands, do you want to join?"

"Well," said Isabela, counting the people I was bringing with me, "you only have like two people in your buddy group, so like, I guess I have to come."

"Good," I said. I pulled out my grocery list of errands and gave it to Anders. "Cross off 'meet gross kunary'," I said, and he crossed it off I assume, "What is the next errand?"

"Find Orlesian dude's whore," said Anders.

Just then, a lithe, beautiful shadow emerged from the top level of the Hanged Man. I looked up, and was almost struck down by the pure beauty and radiance of the form that was descending down the stairs into the lobby place.

"Fenris? What are you doing here?" I gasped tsunderishly, still mad about the way he treated me after our night of excstasy in the cave with that slaver shem. I was so shocked by his handsome elfness though because I hadn't seen him in like more than two days, which was so long to be apart because we were so in love before his betrayal.

"Oh… Hawke…" said Fenris droopily but also taught musclily and pectorial abishly.

I twirled a strand of my raven hair around my finger warriorishly. "I didn't expect to see you at the Hanged Man, since, you know, you have like a lifetime supply of wine at your mansion," I said casually yet maintaining an air of majestic aloofness. "What brought you here?"

"Nothing," said Fenris wolfishly.

"Really?" I asked inquisitorily, cocking an eyebrow in inquisitorness. "Well, okay then."

"Hawke it is… good to see you," Fenris said, rubbing the back of his neck that was always curved slightly because he has very bad standing posture that I keep telling him to fix.

I blushed kawaiily, but also suspiciously. I was happy to see my elvish prince but I was still unsure of why he could be in the Hanged Man. I looked around the small, dusty tavern and spied the patrons, who were mostly templars and ruffians and mercenaries also… Isabela. I thought for a second, but I knew that my BFF gurl best of pirate friends Bela would never betray me like that, and that the sweet love-making that we did like two days ago was probably good enough to last her a lifetime.

"Do you want to like come find an Orlesian dude's whore with me?" I asked hopefully.

"Sure," said Fenris surlily. I tried to contain my excitement so I only clapped my hands like once and grinned.

"OK cool, um, Varric, you stay here, because you always get left behind, and because Anders needs to stay with me to read my grocery list of errands for me like a mage."

Varric shrugged and went up to his room, leering at Fenfen as usual. Sometimes I forget Varric is a dwarf because he is so ruggedly handsome, witty, and overall an amazing character that should be romanceable in every iteration of my life, but sometimes he is gross like a dwarf, but not in a racial way.

So me and Anders, the worst worst, and Isabela, the sexy pirate queen, and Fenris, my one true love who secretly, I knew, loved me back and wanted to make it up to me, went outside to find the Orlesian dude's whore. I looked left and right when I got out to the street but I couldn't see her.

"Mercie, Remember that the Orlesian dude told you his wife was a customer in the Blooming Rose?" said Anders not at all helpfully and interrupting my thoughts and searching like a stupid. "And that her name was Ninette and that she was his wife and not a whore."

"Um, of course I do, Anders, Maker, stop annoying me and calling me by my first name!" I said, before I smartly went to Hightown because I knew that was where the Blooming Rose was because I had heard of it from some of my mercenary friends who were morally bankrupt, not like me unto Andraste, and never went there myself.

"Oh, welcome back, Mercie!" said the madame cheerfully as we entered the premises.

"What are you talking about, you whore, I've never been here!" I said snappishly at her and she shut up because she is stupid and I've never been here. She was probably thinking about my stupid sister Bethany or my mom or someone else with less purity than me. "Also, by the way, where are the whores? I need to find some dude's wife named Ninette - which I REMEMBER, ANDERS."

"Well," said the madame haughtishly, "I simply can't give out the names of our customers, especially to rude people who have never visited this establishment before."

"Hey, I know you!" called a rather dashing gentleman from the corner with a strong jaw and rippling biceps, but was not nearly as hot as Fenris or me.

"Um, no you don't -" I began, but the ravishing young man made his way over to ANDERS OF ALL PEOPLE!

"Oh… haha… hi there Leonato," said Anders, blushing, and also more quiet and reserved than he usually is, because he is usually loud and annoying and complains at everything I do.

"Anders how do you know this sinful adulterer?" I asked in shock like unto Andraste.

"Well, I used to…" Anders began. "He used to work with us!" explained the beautiful man.

"Wait…" I said. "Who are…?"

"Ah yes," said the man, pulling out a small piece of paper and giving it to me, which I looked at disdainfully. "Leonato, Whore's Union of Thedas," he said.

I calmly tucked the paper into my cleavages, stunned, when suddenly a whole-heartedly laughter pierced the room from behind me. I turned around to see Fenfen my prince doubled over and almost crying out of his emerald eyes, he was laughing so much. Seeing my soon to be husband filled with such mirth made me start to laugh too, and soon we were both laughing so joyously and beautifully that the entire brothel rang with our thunderous guffaws.

"You… cannot… be serious," said Fenris after like two minutes of laughing.

"What do you mean?" Anders asked defensively and blushily.

"OMG Anders you are a gross mage! There is no way you could be a whore," I explained smartly, still giggling princessly.

"Are you saying I'm not good-looking enough to be a whore?" Anders asked. "Because I strictly remember you refering to me as a seductress MORE THAN ONCE."

"OF COURSE YOU AREN'T" Fenris bellowed laughingly, and Anders shook his locks of golden blonde hair in shame.

"Yeah Anders, you must be hearing things," I said. "But since Leonato seems to be your friend, could you help us get the name of the whore that Ninette was sleeping with?"

"Oh totally," said Leonato. He leaned up against the whore bar where the madam was standing behind and chatted her up seductively before coming back to us.

"She was seeing Jethann, he's about a B+ grade whore I'd say, up on the second level," Leonato told me, batting his long eyelashes for a dude.

"Wow, thank you, Leonato, you are a helpful whore, unlike Anders who would probably be the shittiest whore ever if he was one," I said. "But don't get any ideas, because I am a holy saint, and don't sleep with whores." Besides, I saw that he was not a templar, so.

"No problem, sweetheart," said Leonato winking at me. He turned to leave but then he spotted my BFF Isabela. "Hey, you're part of the union too, aren't you?" he asked.

"OMG NO!" screamed Isabela. "I AM NOT A WHORE, I AM A ROUGE, SEXY PIRATE QUEEN DAMMIT!"

"An F- whore then, I see," said Leonato, and he sauteyed away.

"I was an A+ whore," Anders muttered under his breath before we went upstairs to meet Jethann.

So Jethann was like an elf, but not nearly as hot as Fenris, because he was a Free March elf who all look like aliens except for weirdly the Merrill. I had no idea why people who pay to do unsaintly unholy not like unto Andraste things with him, and how he became a B+ whore even though I have absolutely no idea what that scale means is beyond me.

"So, like, Ninette is in some creepy tunnels," he said. "Anyway, do you want to have sex?"

"OH MY ANDRASTE, NO!" I exclaimed. I pointed at Fenris. "My beautiful handsome elf prince future husband is here, and also so is my BFF Isabela, and Anders who I hate and is a blood mage!"

"I will definitely have sex and also pay for it because I am not a whore," said Isabela unwhorishly. "Also elves are really sexy just saying Mercie I totally get it - you are not a chaser."

I took a second to decipher what Isabela was saying, but I couldn't quite figure it out except that it made me vaguely uncomfortable. So I grabbed her arm and we left the Blooming Rose before she could sleep with the whores.

"Um, Mercie, you forgot to ask which creepy tunnels Ninette was in-"

"SHUT UP ANDERS YOU WHORE! Also, all the creepy tunnels in Kirkwall are exactly the same so it doesn't matter which one she's in," I said truthfully and smartly because even though Anders lived in a gross poop tunnel, he kept forgetting this.

We decided to go to the creepy tunnels inside Hightown because I didn't want to go to the poop sewer that is Darktown.

The tunnels were extra creepy this time because we totally found blood and also a bag of hands in the tunnels! That is super creepy and gross! I walked carefully through the tunnels but not for long because the Kirkwall tunnels are also super short and then we came to a big antichamber and there were blood mages!

"I WAS A SLAVE!" Fenris cried, and he rushed into battle.

So I fought the blood mages with my amazing warrior power. These blood mages were weirdly hard to fight compared to the others, who were basically butter, and one of them shooted a bloodball (which was like a fireball but with blood because we were fighting blood mages and not fire mages like Bethany) at me when I wasn't looking even! But then my handsome, beautiful prince walked in the way of it, saving my sparkling armor, pauldrons and all, from the gross blood of the blood mage! Fenris got all covered in blood from the bloodball but when he turned around and looked at me his eyes were filled with hatred of mages, and the hair that soaked his clothes and shining white hair made him look even extra hot.

"My sweet, elven prince!" I cried, rushing to his side all crying. "You sacrificed your shiny armor for me." I kissed him passionately. "You know you don't have to do that because I am a strong warrior and can take a wimpy mage blood ball, but I appreciate the thought." Then we made out a lot and Isabela high-fived me and Anders looked mad and jealous like a desire demon.

"Anyway, where is that dude's wife?" I asked. "Maker, we didn't kill her with the blood mages, right?"

"Wow, Mercie," said Anders. "And no, we didn't, she isn't here."

"UGHHHHH," I said, stomping the blood-soaked ground. "I really want to check off another thing on my errand list before I go for drinks at the Hanged Man tonight!"

"Hawke, look over here," Fenris howled like at the moon from the other side of the room.

"What is it, my fair prince?" I asked, and I ran over to him and threw my arms around his lyrim-tattooed neck and kissed his cheek because we are back in true love.

"I think it's… bones," Fenris said grimdarkly.

"Wait, so you're telling me we did all this work and she's not even alive?" I asked all mad but not at Fenris because I know he wasn't to blame because I am level-headed, but Anders probably was because he was so slow and a mage. "This day could just not get worse! Cross off the list, Anders!" I said casually. I grabbed a ring off of the bones to give to the Orlesian dude. There was also a white rose by the bones. Funny, that's just like the roses my mom gets from her boyfriend! What a weird coincidence. Maybe the florist was to blame!

So we went back to the Orlesian dude and he cried a lot but he was not very hot so it was really hard to stand next to him while he cried unhotly. I gave him his wife's ring and he gave me money and I totally did not tell him his wife was sleeping with elf whores because that would be rude. Then we went back to the Hanged Man and had drinks with Varric and the Merrill and Aveline also came to join the party and also I made out with Fenris a lot and it was awesome. Then we went back to his mansion and had hot sex next to more dead bodies, except these ones were like three years old so more gross than the shem we did it next to the first time, but it was OK because Fenris is my prince he was amazing in bed and we fell asleep in each other's arms.


	17. Chapter 17: Pulse of the Maggots

When I woke up in Fenris' gross, decrepit, ancient, mercenarily and slavishly corpse-infested mansion, it was cold. Which was weird because Fenris and I fell asleep in each other's arms and he was warm like a warm-blooded wolf warrior, but then I realized it was because he wasn't there! He must have gone outside to drink in the beautiful sunrise on his chocolate skin because I know he is a romantic at heart.

I went outside but he wasn't there either! I was confused but figured he must have gone for a pensive, thoughtful walk and think about our renewed love for each other. I knew he must go for walks when I wasn't there sometimes, because he always stubbornly refuses to go for walks when I am there and just sits there in his chair drinking and everyone has to go for walks sometimes.

Eventually I made my way in my practical, silver steel armored boots, which had like 3 non-magical holy runes in them, walking to the Hanged Man, because that is where the cool people hang out like Varric and Isabela my friends. I ordered a drink even though it was nine in the morning because I am mature and I like to drink and there aren't any liquor prohibitions in Kirkwall. Then as I was finishing my drink because I chugged it because I have a high alcohol tolerance, Fenris emerged from the upstairs rooms of the Hanged Man!

"Good morning Fenfen!" I exclaimed kawaiily. "I see you, too, are mature and have alcohols in the morning!" Fenris looked somewhat surprised to see me but he always looks mildly surprised because he is not quite as smart as me, but still pretty smart.

"Hawke," barked Fenris swiftly because he is not one for words. I wrapped my arms around him because he is my boyfriend forever.

"You know, we don't have any dangerous or exciting missions to do today," I said. "I checked with Anders last night while we were drunk but luckily he could still read the errand list, and it is all clear! Isn't that great! We can go around town and hang out!"

"Well, we haven't found Daenerys yet," said Fenris broodishly and ex-slavishly. "So we still have one errnad that will never be complete until his beating heart is bleeding in the palm of my hand."

"Don't be so morbidly obese," I said, giggling. "We should go visit Aveline!" I hadn't seen my BFF Aveline in a while because I was hanging out a lot with Isabela lately, probably because she lives in the Hanged Man and I hang out there a lot, and we had sex probably also was a reason.

Just then, Varric emerged from the upstairs rooms of the Hanged Man. "Good morning Varric!" I exclaimed friendishly and hawkeishly and not at all drunk-like because I have a high alcohols-tolerance. "I see you, too, are mature and have alcohols in the morning!" Also Varric lives here.

"Good morning, birdie," said Varric. "You're up early, I see."

"Just chilling with my BF forever Fenfen," I said, wrapping my arms around him more. "Anyway, we're going to visit Aveline, do you want to come?"

"Sure," said Varric. He already had his crossbow because he carries everywhere and named after some dwarven whore who is probably ugly and doesn't love him as much as me.

So me and Varric and Fenfen left the Hanged Man by ourselves because my BFF Isabela was still sleeping because she was so hungover from last night and also she always sleeps late because she doesn't have a real job like my BFF Aveline. Luckily, we met the Merrill who was wandering the streets looking up at the sky and almost ran right into a wandering templar. Luckily, he didn't see her giant magical staff that was glowing and also taller than her. It's probably because templars are blind.

"The Merrill, what are you doing wandering the streets of Lowtown?" I exclaimed. "You could run into thugs or worse unholy corrupt blood mages! You are too weak and unconstitutionly to defend yourself, especially if you keep cutting yourself for your magic."

"Oh, the last blood mages I met weren't so bad," said the Merrill dumbly and I slapped a palm to my face because the Merrill is so dumb. I really had to tell her things like a thousand times before she learned them. I didn't know what to do.

"You know what, the Merrill, you should come with me and Fenfen and Varric to visit Aveline!" I said courageously and good-naturedly because if she was with me she wouldn't run into any more blood mages because I'd kill them all first (except for the worst worst, Anders, who I had to keep with me because the Merrill couldn't read).

"Okay," said the Merrill, and she started walking away. I had to grab her arm to steer her in the right direction and made Varric hold her hand so she didn't get lost.

Aveline lived in the guard's place which was in the palace of the King of Kirkwall. I noticed that a strange light emitting from the palace, but I went in anyway.

As soon as I opened the doors, I basked in the rosy light and a chorus of soothing ballads of a million tiny baby angels. The room had a pleasant, blood orange scent and rays of twilight penetrated the very ceiling to engulf the room in a pale, goffic light. I didn't know what could be causing this until I saw a familiar curvalicious yet in a platonic AND FAMILIAL YOU PERVS way figure standing in the middle of the palace.

"Ravena!" I exclaimed goffically and I ran at my super cool cousin queen of the grey wardens and Fereldan and gave her a hug. Ravena gave me a hug and then said "OMG Mercie it has been too long! You haven't met my husband, the babealicious Archdemon!"

Beside Ravena stood a beautiful yet paling in comparison to her man with long, flowing golden hair and a subservient manner. "Hi," I said, shaking his hand, "It is a pleasure to meet you."

Ravena was wearing five-inch red stilettos which I could tell were feeling hard on her feet because she snapped her fingers and suddenly a blonde Antivan elf emerged from behind the Archdemon and picked her up so she didn't have to stand anymore.

"Well, my amazing and royal cousin, what brings you here?" I asked Ravena as she reapplied her deep plum lipstick, which the elf carried in his pocket for her.

"Oh, I was just checking on my friend the Viscount," she said. "I have plans to rule all of Thedas one day, so I need to make sure that my fellow rulers are OK with that. If they're not, I'll probably kill them with my sexy magic, but because I am a kind and wonderful queen, I like to make sure they'll obey me first."

"Wow, you are such a successful and intelligent career woman!" I said, because it was true, and also her magic wasn't bad magic because she is a half-elf and also being too sexy is never a crime, or else my sweet elf prince would be in jail for a thousand years. Andraste appreciates the beautiful people of the world.

"Yeah, I am," said Ravena. "Anyway, another one of my old whores is in town - have you heard of an F- whore named Isabela?"

"OMG my BFF is named Isabela!" I said. "But she isn't a whore, she's a rouge, sexy pirate queen which is very different."

"For the record, my dark angel cousin, all rouges are whores and dumb also." said Ravena. "Right Zevran?" Her elf chair nodded dumbly for he was a rouge. "But I'll take your word for it, since I trust you like I trust the deepest pits of Hades itself. She's probably different than this Antivan whore who lives in bars, is a pirate, doesn't wear pants, has very good aim with a throwing knife, is a duelist, and is not very good in bed and probably has crabs that I met in Fereldan. Also, she is Isabela with one L, like your mom has one L and Leliana the whore also has two Ls until I killed her because she didn't want me to pee in the urn of sacred ashes. Anyway, see you later cousin!" She snapped her fingers again and in a flash her elf servant (not slave, FENRIS) carried her out of the door and her beautiful husband followed her.

That sounded very much like my BFF Isabela except Isabela was amazing in bed, so it was probably a different Isabela. Anyway, me and Varric and the Merrill and Fenris my darling elf prince went upstairs to meet Aveline.

Aveline is usually very put together because she is a career woman but not as successful as my cousin, but today she was oddly flustered! I went to her office and asked what was wrong.

"What is wrong, my beautiful ginger BFF gurl?" I asked but not in a romantic way because I am in love with Fenris.

"Oh Hawke, I'm so glad you decided to visit me today! It's not like you haven't visited me in like two weeks or anything. But also, it is so terrible I have a tragedy and need you help!" pleaded Aveline puppishly.

"Well, I am a benevolent servant of Andraste and love to help the less fortunate like the Merrill," I said. "What can I do for you my friend BFF?"

"I am having trouble in love," Aveline sighed dramatically.

"I'm not, because I'm in true love with Fenris," I said smartly and Fenris nodded.

"Well, I am in love with my friend and coworker Donnelly, but he thinks we're just friends! And I don't know what to do because I don't want my advances to ruin our friendship, but at the same time when we're together I just feel like there's so much unresolved tension. I just want to tell him how I feel, but I don't know if that will put him off? Oh Hawke, since you and Fenris are so in love and clearly never have relationship problems of any sort, can't you tell me what to do?" Aveline asked platonic girlfriendishly.

"Don't worry, I'm on it," I said because I am a master at love and Aveline smiled gratuitously. "You should tell him to meet me in the wounded coast this afternoon," Aveline recommended.

So anyway I found Donnelly who was standing on his own facing a wall, but whatever, Aveline can date whoever she wants. I tapped him on the shoulder and he was like "Hello Hawke, what brings you here?"

I was all like "Aveline is totally in love with you and wants to marry you, so I think you should get married this summer. It is the only pure and holy thing to do."

Donnelly thought about it for a moment and was like "OK sure that sounds great! I'll go propose to her right now!" He ran out of the room and I smiled because I am such a good friend.

So after that was done, I mentally checked off "Get Aveline Laid" off of my mental errnad list because I forgot to bring Anders today because I didn't think I would be doing any errands. But now that I thought of it, I should probably go get Anders to cross it off because I have so many smart thoughts that I might forget this one small one.


	18. Chapter 18: People Equals Shoot

So I went to Anders' stupid shit hovel in dark town, where all of the useless refugees hang out and stare at his beautiful blonde seductressness. He was sitting around talking with some mages about something dumb probably like mage rights which are useless and dumb, so I nodded over to my templar friends to make a quick stop by after I was done here.

"Anders," I announced bossishly, "I need you to cross Get Aveline Laid off of my list for me, because I accomplished it without you. I'll have you know that it was extra easy without you being there because you are a burden on me, except for maybe a little better than the Merrill who died at the beginning."

But you would NOT believe what that evil blood mage did! He just looked me square in the eye and say "No, Mercie. Not now." How rude!

I was so righteously furious. Fenris, too was righteously furious because he understands my deep-seated lustful hate for this gross mage, Anders, the worst worst. Also so was Varric righteously furious because he saw Fenris being righteously furious and imitated him less hotly but still hotly for a dwarf. The Merrill just drooled a little.

"UM EXCUSE ME!" I yelled furiously and righteous. "Do you not remember the favour I did for you three years ago and also that you killed BETHANY, MY SISTER WHO I LOVE SO DEEPLY AND SISTERLY THAT SHE WAS BASICALLY A PART OF ME. Oh yeah, and when you seduced my mom and were an unregistered blood mage who I am majestically not taking to the circle despite all my best intentions?."

"No." Anders insisted rudely and like he didn't even listen to me at all. "Mercie, it's been three years, and I need another favour. If you don't do this favour for me, then I will stop reading and writing things for you."

I raised my hand Andrastishly as to slap his porcelain face right off of his head, but decided against it because the Merrill was there and she wasn't allowed to witness PG-13 rated events. "Anders." I said calmly and serenely but in a scary way. "I don't need you to read and write for me. I'll teach the Merrill to do it because she is also a mage, and more willingly subservient to my strong warrior ways, with much less sass than you. I don't need to do your favor for you because I don't need you."

"Well, if you don't help me, I'll sleep with your mom," said Anders, giving his best seductress look and I felt almost seduced by the blood magic, myself. My mother would be helpless.

"EW GROSS!" I exclaimed. "Fine. I'll help you with your stupid blood magic sex ritual or whatever." I said, looking apologetically at my virginal, pure prince who was no doubt disgusted at the thought. He looked disgusted, and muttered something about Daenerys under his breath.

I turned and gave Varric a knowing look. He left sadly, muttering about how he wanted to write a romance book but didn't get any good ideas from Aveline, and we left to do Anders' errand. "For the record, blood mage, I will make you do like twice the chores as normal after this." Anders rolled his eyes like a petulant child so I stuck my tongue out at him.

"There's a templar named Alrik - one of Meredith's cronies - who's planning to tranquilize all of the mages."

"He sounds smart and reasonable," I said, patting Anders on the back for having good friends.

"No, Mercie." Anders said buttmadly. "He is not smart and reasonable. He's an asshole, and we're going to stop him. Remember - you said you would do this for me, so no complaining."

"Ugh I HATE helping mages," I said, stomping my feet and Fenris, too, said. "What did you expect?" Anders asked.

So we went to the tunnels where Sir Alrik was which were a lot like the tunnels where we followed the dwarf Javaris Tintop and also the tunnels where we found the Orlesian dude's whore's bones and also like the tunnels where we went to help mages the first time with Anders before Bethany died in the deep roads.

"Anders, you need to get better sneaking tunnels. We've been here like ninety times," I complained, but I did what he asked anyways because I promised, and Andraste always kept her promises and so do I like unto Andraste. We killed templars along the way, and it was tragic because they were young and beautiful and would probably make good templar whores not that I would know anything about that, and if Anders and the Merrill hadn't been there, I could have just talked them down. I cried tears of sorrow at their demise, and Fenfen comforted me with his low wolfish makeouts, while Anders looked on jealously.

We heard screams in the tunnels ahead, and Anders ran towards them like a stupid because without me, he would be killed really fast because he had no armor against sharp swords. I ran after him, and found that the slightly bad but also justified templar, Sir Alrik, was confronting a horrible monstrosity mage who had escaped from her protective prison.

Before I could greet Alrik or kill the monstrosity mage, Anders started to do that blue thing again where he glowed not-lyrimishly like my fenfen, and spoke in the hotter voice. He went crazy and exploded the reasonable and smart sir Alrik! And then we had to fight off more innocent templars who were only slightly less hot than magic-Anders. It was a blood bath, but I had run out of limpid, porous tears at this point.

Then, naturally, when all of the good templars were gone, only the gross, "innocent"-looking mage but obviously truly evil mage was left standing. She, too, cried when she saw what magic-Anders had done.

"Congratulations, magic-Anders," I said pointedly and hurtly. "Even your own corrupt race is scared of you. You are truly the worst worst."

Then he shouted angrily and bluely about justice and he punched the other mage with his staff because his hands are too soft, pearlescent white, and weak to punch anything and she died because her constitution was even lower than his.

I was surprised at how reasonable magic-Anders was being, but the Merrill and Fenris got super bitchy all of a sudden.

"I don't like magic-Anders," said the Merrill scaredly and crying, hiding behind my strong elven man's spiky pauldrons. I swatted her away for laying her blood-maged hands on him.

"Hawke, you shouldn't have let him do that," said my husband most disagreeably! I was shocked and appalled because he, too, hates mages like the grace of Andraste instructs us to! But he was probably just distraught from all of the Templar killing that happened, so I instantly forgave him.

"Fine!" I grumbled, and punched blue Anders until he stopped being blue. He was knocked out for a bit, probably because he's weak, so I propped him up next to the dead mage for company and tried to explain the situation to my Fenfen.

We were rudely interrupted again by Anders' weak, magely screams when he woke up. "Oh, Maker! Mercie, why? Why did you let me do that?" He cried in manful agony because he was so ashamed of his mage ways.

"Don't be stupid, blood mage, and don't call me Mercie." I stamped, stepping on a pile of papers about some tranquilizing initiative. "You wanted me to help you do this quest, and you didn't want me to stop you from killing templars. How should I know that you want me to stop you from killing gross mages?"

Everyone was really quiet and mad after that, even though I was obviously in the right and Anders was wrong and also HE WAS THE ONE THAT KILLED HER SO I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY WERE MAD AT ME. But anyway, we kept going out of the cave. I dropped everyone off at their house apologizingly, except for Anders, who I saved for last. I picked him up and threw him in the poo for being a dumb, but not until after he crossed Get Aveline Laid off of the list.

Then I went home… But everything was not as it seemed…


	19. Chapter 19: Frail Limb Nursery

I went into my house and slammed the door behind me. "Mom, I'm home!" I yelled Andrastily, but no one answered me. That was weird because usually my mom always greeted me when I came home from my many work and adventures to feed me a warm, homecooked meal. Then I went up to my elf servant (not slave, Fenris), and asked her what was up?

"Oh, Mistress Leandra with one L went out with that _gentleman caller_," the elf servant told me subserviently but not slavishly, so I gave her a gold in her cleavages in appreciation.

"What the fuck, Anders!?" I screamed. "You promised!"

"What did I promise?" Anders asked, and he TOTALLY APPEARED FROM LIKE BEHIND ME WHAT THE FUCK.

"WHAT THE FUCK HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?" I asked.

"Oh, I followed you home to tell you that I saw your mom in Darktown," he said apologetically. "And also to drop off the next chapter of my manifesto. Not that you can _read_ it."

"OMG that does SO not give you permission to BE IN MY HOUSE! You're gonna stink it up blood mageishly! And also you were _just_ in the poo!"

The elf servant slunk away quietly because she was scared of yelling for some reason. She probably has a tragic backstory or something. So then it was just me and Anders, alone in my house with him smelling like poo.

"Wait a second, if you're here, then who did my mom go out with?" I wondered out loud observantly.

"Doesn't your mom have a boyfriend?" asked Anders. "The one with the white roses?"

"Oh yeah! The one who shops from the murder florist?" I asked because I smartly remembered that one orlesian moustache whore was killed by him. "I've never met him. But if he lives in darktown, he's probably a sketchy guy. I mean, who else do I know who lives there?"

So we left for Darktown, but not before stopping by the Hanged Man to pick up my gurl bff Isabela. Fenris was also there again for some reason, even though he should be at his house because everyone knows to stay where I leave them after I go home and never go to any other part of the city. But apparently everyone was ignoring that today, especially Anders who is dumb and came to my beautiful mansion.. But I took him Fenris anyways, because I love him and need him for emotional support when dumb blood mage whores like Anders follow me around.

When we went to Darktown, we met a super wishy washy templar called Sir Flask. We'd totally met him before, and he had a secret mage daughter who I killed. He was totally going to let her live, though, so I told my bro Knight Commander Meredith that he was harboring a secret blood mage rebel and got him kicked out of the order. So now he just wanders the streets and drinks out of a flask like his name and pretends to be a templar still.

"What are you doing here, Flask?" I asked madly. "You better not have seduced my mom because I know for a fact that she is a 10 and you are a soft 3, at best."

He looked worried and a little offended, "Mercie, I know we don't get along, but I think I have an idea who's been killing all these women around here - and it might have to do with your mom."

"Bro, everyone in town knows that it's clearly that murder florist," I said. "And what do you mean it has to do with my mom?"

"Well, everyone around town also knows that your mom has been seeing a certain white rose man on the DL," he explained. "Before you got me kicked out of the order, it was the talk at all the parties I went to - which were many and often I'll have you know. And I have reason to suspect that the white rose man is also the murderer and also a blood mage, who even an ex-templar like myself knows to distrust." He handed me a note. "I think the culprit is an Orlesian blood mage called Gaspard Ducris. He lives in a fancy mansion in High Town."

"OK, I guess I'll go there, then," I said.

"Wait… Mercie," said Anders.

"Maker, what is it?" I snapped at him.

"Well, I did see your mom in Darktown earlier… I don't think she'd cut through here on her way to another mansion in Hightown… I think we should check around here, before it's too late."

"ANDRASTE Anders you are so dumb. Why would I listen to a dumb whore mage like you instead of a clearly smart and questionably holy ex-templar like Flask? You obviously know nothing and won't help me save my mom."

Fenris and also Isabela agreed with me because Anders was wrong 100% of the time, and we left for High Town. Gaspard lived in a way better mansion than me, which made me double mad, so after I killed him for being a blood mage and a murderer I would take it. But then I remembered that he was a blood mage and probably sold his soul to a demon to get this house, so I was happy to live my monk-like life like unto Andraste in my family's moderately affluent mansion.

With his dying breath, Gaspard told me, "your mom's in Dark Town, you moron. I'm innocent." But he actually used blood magic and demons, so I'm pretty sure he was at least some bit guilty.

Anders was all like "I TOLD you." and I smacked him and cried and he cried too because he is so weak and I ran all the way to darktown in a trail of sparkling tears because my mom was probably being kill or already kill.

I saw pools of gothic blood, and was reminded of my queen cousland cousin, queen of fereldan and also the grey wardens and also the picture of gothic beauty. If only Ravena was here - she could help me route out my mom and kill every mage who ever thought of harming her.

"We should follow the blood," said Fenris, sniffing the blood like a lupine creature smartly and I was so proud because my husband was taking after my brilliance. We followed my elven princes' keen nose senses all the way into a diarrhea slum which is worse smelling than the regular poop slums of darktown, where I made him stop sniffing because it was gross.

Then, a bunch of demons attacked! And I knew we were at the right place because demons only attack us when we're close to useful stuff or something important is about to happen, like Carber dying.

I quickly exorcised them with my holy sword which was non-magically enchanted with the holy essence of Andraste. They exploded into vapours of smoke and vapour, crying in anguish at the divine love of our Lord and Saviour.

"Where's my mom, demon?" I asked a demon who I strangled divine lovingly. I almost wished the Merrill were here, because she could commune with demons and called them cuties, but their awful, poisonous words couldn't even penetrate my saintly ears. "Anders, ask the demon where my mom is!"

"How the fuck am I supposed to know how to commune with demons?" Anders looked at me madly. "I'm a fucking spirit healer!" But I looked at him more madly, so he sighed and said, "Demon, where is Mercie's mom?"

The demon, obviously recognizing Anders as a blood mage kin and close friend who he probably had blood orgies with, pointed to the door to the next room. Then I killed it, too.

I ran strongly into the next room, exploding the doors open with my powerful warrior arms. "MOM! I LOVE YOU DON'T DIE!" I scrammed but instead of mom, there was a weird gross old man drooling over a portrait of a chick who looked kind of like my mom, and a weird corpse on the ground.

"I'm not your mom!" the dude screamed, and I screamed louder, and rushed at him with my sword and pierced his stomach and blood dripped from his mouth as he died on the point of my blade. Then I peeled his dead, rotting corpse off of my holy weapon and ran to the next room. Anders looked scared and he tiptoed next to the body as he ran after me, but my Fenris had a strong warrior heart and no tendencies to vomit so he stepped right on the dead guy's face for my mom's sake. Isabela laughed at the corpse.

"H…. hawke…" I heard in my mom's voice even though she was nowhere to be seen.

"Mom? Good, you're not dead! Where are you hiding?" I said vibrantly and vibrationally and vivaciously and virulently and vividly and vicariously and voraciously and violently and victoriously and vincente, looking around.

But then I saw it, and everything went black as a gothic night, and my heart almost fell out of my chest and I felt like my brain and soul were both crying tears of pure blood and anguish. My mom was a Frankenstein!

She was lying on the floor all twitching, and her neck and other parts were sewed up. She looked so sad and sick - even more than Bethanny did in the deep roads before she died. Probably because she was literally cut up and sewed together. But I was not a healer, so what did I know.

"Anders," I said sadly, dropping to my knees dramatic-like and crying while cradling her stitched head in my arms. "I order you to heal her or to Gray Warden her or something right now!"

"I'm… sorry, Mercie," Anders said USELESSLY. "It's… too... late…"

"NO!" I screamed violently. "DON'T SAY THAT! YOU SAID YOU WERE A SPIRIT HEALER! SPIRIT HEAALLLLL!" And then I punched Anders in sadness and hatred and he passed out, and then I dropped to my knees again and cried by my mom and she said "Don't worry Hawke… I love you almost as much as I loved your other siblings," and then she died.

I cried even more and harder because THIS IS A REALLY SAD PART OK, IT IS DEVASTATING. And I couldn't get up and my Fenfen prince could only put a hand on my shoulder and he didn't even say anything because sometimes he is terrible in emotional situations where he can't just rip someone's heart out or yell "DAENERYS". I was so sad and tired and exhausted from doing everything I could but I couldn't save my mom.

Eventually I had to get up, so sobbishly I got to my feet and went to the corner to pick up Anders because we couldn't just leave him in this disgusting diarrhea dungeon, and besides he weighed like 0.75 pounds so I could easily carry him.

I dropped him in the dirt outside his gross clinic, and then I walked Isabela to the Hanged Man where she lived, and then I walked Fenris back to his corpse mansion.

"I don't know what to say, Hawke. So I'm not going to say anything." Fenris announced emotional constipatedly, and then he went into his mansion and he didn't even have sex with me after I was so sad or anything, like a terrible boyfriend.

I went back to my own mansion after that, because I needed to be alone and to brood with my smart, sad thoughts, and maybe to sell some of my mom's Orlesian dresses and drapery because we wouldn't be needing those anymore. But, when I stepped inside my home, I smelled the familiar smell of seawater and crabs and a salty ocean breeze.

"Isabella, my girl BFF?" I asked weakly, and Isabella strutted down the stairwell hotly. I was so happy that someone out there cared enough about me to see how I was doing after such a horrible tragedy. After all, I'd lost the only member of my family I had left in a terrible, traumatizing way. I needed a shoulder to cry on- someone who would listen to me and take care of me.

Isabela looked me in the face and said, "Stop crying. You don't know what real sadness is. Just think about me. I didn't even had a mom."

I really, really, really wanted to punch her in the face, but some strange external force wasn't letting me, so I just sat there like a turnip and took her mean words and abuse.

"My mom was taken prisoner at a young age by the Kun," said Isabela. "That's the most horrible fate because then she had to be with the Kunary people for her whole life and I never knew her, and this is clearly comparable or worse than you witnessing the horrible, gruesome and cruel death of your mother before your very eyes, who you knew since you were a child and loved."

Isabela was making me even more mad that I couldn't even say anything or even punch her.

"You don't even deserve that beautiful man boyfriend of yours," she said abusively and terrible. "You just stare at him creepily in his house all day, and he obviously doesn't care about you. You obviously you don't even listen to his problems or take care of his needs. Your love-making probably isn't even half as good as ours was, Mercie! I can heal you with my body, but you can only hurt him with your ripped biceps and washboard abs."

Finally, I could speak. "ARE YOU COMING ON TO ME?" I yelled. "HOW DARE YOU DO THIS AT A TIME LIKE THIS! MY MOTHER JUST DIED UNTIMELILY AT THE HANDS OF A FRANKENSTEIN LOVING FREAK! WHAT THE HELL ISABELA?"

"Hey babe, you know you want it," said Isabela F- whorishly and I knew what that whore said at the Blooming Rose was true. "I'm way better than Fenris."

"O. M. G," I said, all of the pieces of the puzzle falling into place in my wisened mind. "ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH MY BOYFRIEND?"

"What? No!" Isabela protested stupidly.

"YOU ARE TOTALLY SLEEPING WITH MY BOYFRIEND!" I yelled. "I SEE HIM AT THE HANGED MAN ALL THE TIME, COMING OUT OF THE TOP ROOMS WHICH I KNOW IS WHERE YOUR BEDROOM IS. AND LATELY HE'S BEEN DISTANT AND EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE! IT'S SO OBVIOUS THAT YOU'RE SLEEPING WITH HIM, YOU WHORE! I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER THOUGHT YOU WERE MY BFF!"

"Hawke, you have it all wrong," said Isabela, trying to stay calm. "I'm not sleeping with Fenris. I just want to sleep with you. We're a way better match - I don't know why you're with him, anyways?"

"Then why is Fenris at the Hanged Man all the time without me?" I said, spring tears bursting to my eyes.

"Well, Hawke, I didn't want to tell you this, because I knew it would hurt you…" said Isabela. "But… Fenris has been sleeping with Varric."

My mind exploded with righteous rage like unto Andraste, and I knew something wasn't right. "YOU LYING BITCH!" I yelled at Isabela, and I kicked her right in her over the top and clearly fake boobs. "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW. BFFS OFF."

Isabela held up her hands. "Hey babe, you had to find out eventually," she said. "I'm sorry you had to hear it from me." Then she left the house, and I didn't even see her leave because she is a rouge and sometimes she just disappears like that.

I heard Aveline quietly celebrating in the distance while I stomped to Fenris' house to give him a piece of my mind. When I got there, I screamed and not even words came out of my mouth because I was so mad. Then I slapped him (lightly because I'm not abusive like Isabela!), but I'm so strong that he went careening across High Town.

I followed him all the way to the other side of High Town where he landed. He was already standing up in the middle of the square, because he is a super strong warrior so he doesn't even get hurt. He looked confused, so I gave him a piece of my mind.

"Babe prince my love," I said. "Have you been sleeping with Varric?"

Fenris paused for a second. "No," he said and I knew he was telling the truth because he would never lie to me.

"Oh thank the Maker!" I said thankfully, "Just Isabela then? That's ok. It doesn't count when it's with an F- WHORE. BTDubs I slept with her too, so we're all good, right?" He grunted complacently, and then we made out and had makeup sex right there in the middle of hightown, but I am really famous so we didn't get in trouble.


	20. Chapter 20: Opium of the People

The next morning I got a letter in the mail. Actually, my elf servant ran all the way from my mansion to the middle of Hightown where me and Fenris slept to give me the letter. I was grateful to her because I am grateful to servants and not slaves, but also I did not read it because I am not a mage. So I begrudgingly went to the Merrill's house in lowtown which was in a gross area of town but not as gross as the poop sewer darktown. Then I made her read the letter to me.

"Hey you piece of shit my ex-bff gurl," said the Merrill, and I was offended that she would say swears at me until I remembered that she was reading the letter. "I need help. It's super important, or else I wouldn't ask for it on account of how rude you were to me and because you kicked me right in my boobs which are real. Anyway, meet me at the docks. I will pay you money which I know you like, but also I will throw it into your cleavages because you are a whore, unlike me. Isabela out."

I told the Merrill not to listen to Isabela's bad influences, and reminded not to say swears ever again, and then I decided to take her to meet Isabela with me because I was feeling like she had been left out of our adventures recently. Then I went to go grab my real best gurl bff, _Aveline_, because she needed to be there to back me up emotionally, and also warriorishly, unlike Isabela who is a rouge and never watches my back, when I had to deal with all of the abuse Isabela would dish out.

I walked past the beautiful silhouettes of the frigates and sloops and scooners parked on the ocean, framed by a backdrop of a blood orange setting sun. We were at the docks.

"Holla, ugly," I heard from an old abandoned warehouse covered in shadows, much like the shady personality of the person standing near it. "I'm over here, you moron."

"I know where you are," I said, and so Aveline too said, and we walked up to Isabela struttishly and flipped our hair to show that we were the most beautiful and also the Merrill tried to flip her hair but she was not very good at it but I appreciated the effort. "And for the record, I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this for money, which I love almost as much as I love killing darkspawn. And if you even try to flick it into my cleavages I will kick you in the boobs again."

"They're totally fake!" said Aveline, and we high-fived BFFishly.

Isabela didn't cry at our totally mean and on point insults because she had tough skin which was also ugly and dry and prone to eczema. "Yeah, well, whatever, airhead," said Isabela. "We need to go into this warehouse and kill people, and then, I will totally leave forever."

"Why are we killing people in this warehouse?" I asked smartly.

"Ugh, does that matter? You love killing people," said Isabela.

"Um, that is not true, I am totally against murder like unto Andraste," I pointed out. "I only like killing blood mages, but that's OK because they aren't people."

Isabela rolled her eyes sassily and stuck her tongue out before heading into the warehouse. I followed her, but I actually pushed her out of the way and went first because I like being first and also she is weak and should not be in the lead. I know tons about battle maneuvers and tactics and strategy because I am so good at fighting.

There were some nondescript people that I couldn't really remember that we killed, and then after we finished killing them, Isabela was already gone! I couldn't believe it because she didn't even pay me, so I ran out of the building after her swiftly with my strong warrior legs, and then I saw that she was stopped on her exit by a wall of hulking grey monsters, the kunary. I hated her almost as much as I hated them, but in this case I was OK with it, because I really love money.

"Hawke, help me kill these kunaries!" said Isabela.

"Why are they after you, Isabela?" I asked, and so too did Aveline ask and Merrill was too busy painting a picture of the sunset with her own blood to notice our conversation.

Um, one of the kunary spoke up. And they said "She stole our paper! The sacred kunary paper!"

This is why I would never understand kunary, because of all the things they made sacred, it was paper, which we all know mages use and also that it is useless, and not something awesome, like money or a sword or a darkspawn heart.

"Did you steal the kunary paper?" I asked Isabela, my eyes bleeding with truthfulness and prophecy. The last wisp of our friendship slowly wisped out from my pearlescent visual orbs, and I saw it float away into the pale sunset, over the moore and the docks and the last trail flying like a gentle breeze over the slave statues that Fenris graffitied on and peed on, and into the ocean, where it sank to the depths and was eaten by a kraken.

"Yeah," said Isabela. "But I need it more than they do."

"It is their sacred paper!" I told Isabela, lifting my sacred sword, because I am an expert in sacred things, because I am a sacred saint.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" said Isabela, pounding her chest with her fists, on of which clutched the sacred kunary paper. Then she gallopped off gazellishly into the night and the kunaries were dumb and huge to even notice. I would have followed her, but my heavy armor which protects me and allows me not to die slowed me down, and also the Merrill had too short of legs.

The kunary turned to me, and looked at me the wrong way, so I killed them. They were probably gonna kill me anyway for knowing anything about Isabela, the whore who stole their sacred paper, so it was totally justified in the sight of Andraste.

I didn't really know what to do then, but I knew that I needed one more buddy because Isabela was clearly not my buddy. So I went to Fenris' mansion and picked him up. Then Aveline suggested that we go see the head kunary, which I thought was a terrible idea at first, but then I remembered that Aveline was my new BFF, so I trusted her implicitly.

We went to the Kunaries, who looked even more madder than usual. Arishok wasn't sitting in his usual beach chair. His Pina Colada was spilled on the dirt ground, and the cup was even broken a little, which shocked and appalled me because it was fine dwarven crystal, and even though I am so strong and fight good, I never even break pots around me when I'm fighting good.

I didn't see him at first, and when I did I almost puked because of how ugly he was when he was mad and close to my face. Also his breath stank like the inside of Anders' clinic and Isabela's dirty underwear (which she only washed like once a month because she only has one pair and wears them every day with no pants!).

"What. The. _Fuck_?" Scrammed Arishok, pushing me in the shoulders broishly yet madly. "I thought we were bros, you bitch! You helped me kill Javaris Tintop - you were my errand ho. And here you go, completely screwing over the _only reason_ we're in this toilet of a city. Un. Be. Lievable."

"Ok, first off, I would never be your bro," I clarified, poking him in the boob so he would back off. "And second off, I didn't even know why you were here because you are so cryptic and never give anyone any information. May I remind you of the time that I accidentally killed Javaris Tintop only to learn that you didn't actually want him dead!"

"These sort of things wouldn't happen if you actually communicated properly," Aveline added true broishly.

"Fine, if I need to spell it out for you, I will," said Arishok. "We're here for the sacred KUNARY paper, obviously. It has the word KUNARY in it. Only a true idiot wouldn't be able to connect the dots. And you, once again, have proven yourself to be just that."

He paused to stomp around a bit, and his other kunary underlings joined in surprisingly catchy rhythm. "You know what?" He said finally after that weird impromptu dance number. "Fuck it. I'm done. I'm going to kill your whole city until you get that stupid F- whore back to me WITH OR WITHOUT THE PAPER."

"Can I substitute another F- whore?" I asked. "He's kind of a blood mage, and I'm sure he'll be into the kinky collar thing with a bit of coaxing. I just really need to get him off my hands, and he'll be HELLA easier to track down than Bela because he's not a rouge, and always stays at his house unless I take him away to go on a quest or for groceries or something."

Arishok stared at me for a second before SLAPPING me in the FACE but I didn't even move because I am like marble I am so strong. "Get. Me. The. Whore." He said (or should I say SPRAYED because he definitely SPRAYED IT NOT SAYED IT HA). Then the Kunary started killing random civilians and burning stuff so we had to run away even though if we'd stayed there and killed them right then, it would have been way easier with a lot less death.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO KIRKWALL? WILL HAWKE BE ABLE TO SAVE IT AND REMAIN ITS CHAMPION? READ AND REVIEW AND FAVORITE TO LEARN MORE


	21. Chapter 21: Custer

So we ran away cowardishly even though I knew I could totally take those dumb kunaries. In fact, we ran all the way out of the city and then had to come BACK INTO THE CITY because it was all burning and stuff.

The streets were grey with kunary and also red with blood. There were so many that I didn't even recognize - even though they mostly look all the same, which is UGLY - that I didn't know how all of them could even fit into that small courtyard in the docks. I killed them skillfully and swiftly, while the Merrill wallowed joyishly in the blood that they had spilled. I had my girl bff Aveline scold her, and also Fenris, my prince, too did scold her.

They were a pain in the ass to kill on account of the fact that they were all strong warriors made of 99% muscle, because they rejected mages like any good, smart andrastian (EXCEPT THEY WERE HEATHERNS BECAUSE THEY FOLLOWED THE KUNE). My sword didn't even slide through them like butter on hot toast because they were not hot and also too muscled that it got stuck on their gross bulging muscular muscles, kind of like cutting bread (not butter) but with a butter knife still.

Also there were these guys who kept throwing their dumb spears at me and it would have hurt had it not been for my own lithe and attractive muscles bouncing their puny spears to the ground 17 feet away. My girl bff Aveline caught them in mid-air and started throwing them back at the kunaries. But one of them bounced off and flew into my sweet caninic angel, grazing his beautiful, oaken, chocolate skin. It didn't draw blood or anything, but it didn't bounce off because Fenfen has sad elven musculature that cannot bounce weapons.

I instantly went into a battle rage rivaled only by the berserkers of old (the human ones not the dwarves because they are gross except for Varric who is beautiful), launching myself at the hoardes of gross grey stinky butts and swinging my enchanted sword of Andraste. I flew into the air, jumping with my powerful, taught vastus laterallis, 10 meters into the sky and gracefully flipping forward like a warrior ballerina, before bringing my weapon of HOLY JUSTICE down upon their heathen heads. The second my blade touched the ground, the Kunary heads EXPLODED, and the whole city shook and filled with glorious radiant golden light (and Kunary brains - which were a stain on the beautiful light). Then we ran to the middle of Kirkwall where the king of Kirkwall was to show him all of the sweet kills we'd done and get money for it. Also the Kunary blood put out the fires because it is extremely viscous.

When we got there, though, there was a sight so horrible it made Anders puke from his hut in Darktown (because as if I'd invite also I hope he's dead from Kunary because then I wouldn't have to deal with him anymore because the Merrill is just as good at her magely duties). Arishok was standing at the throne of the king! And he had cutted the king's head off! And it rolled on the floor morosely and stopped at my feet as if it were a prophecy. I kicked it aside, because the king wasn't that great, only rich, and hated Kunary like unto me (and Andraste).

"YOU FIENDISH FOOL!" I bellowed at Arishok. "Now I can never get money!"

Arishok laughed and threw coins at my cleavages, only they were covered in SHEMLEN BLOOD THE BLOOD OF MY BRETHREN. "Haha. Money is for poseurs. There is no money under the kune. Did you get me that F- whore Isabela - and my sacred Kunary paper which she is ruining with her gross whore touches?"

And just like that, as if a total coincidence, Isabela stepped out of the shadows rougeishly. "I have your Kunary paper!" She yelled whoroically. "But you'll NEVER get it back. I'm only here because I am still secretly in love with Hawke."

I gasped and so too did Aveline, and Aveline covered the Merrill's ears because she is too young to know about love and sex. I turned to Fenris and said, "It's okay, my husband. She's just confused and her feelings are not reciprocated."

Fenris grunted lupinely because he had exhausted his word limit for the day, but I knew that he understood. Still, Isabela ran over to embrace me true loveishly.

I punched her in the fake boob and it popped like a balloon, then I took the Kunary paper and gave it to Arishok.

"Oh, thanks ho," said Arishok, sliding it between his cleavages. "But I still need that whore for us to be square, dig?"

Isabela looked at me pleadingly with her big brown eyes almost as big as her one globular, roundish, still unpopped tit. Then I signaled for Aveline to do the thing that she wanted to do since she met Isabela, my ex-bff and the TRAITOR OF KIRKWALL, WORSE EVEN THAN THE WORST WORST ANDERS.

In a flash, Isabela's head was run into the ground and Aveline dragged her struggling body to Arishok, who killed her nubilely, lavishly and extravagantly, via guillotine which he had his young male servants whip up in front of us.

"I am a woman of good taste," I informed Arishok. "And that was some damn good neck slicing. However, you are still a heathen and a pain in my ass - but more especially my boobs because you keep throwing shit at them and were I not a practical immortal, I would be very bruised between them. I have to kill you now, and burn all your shit including your paper and all of your young nubile servants."

"But bro, we're cool," Arishok began. "I THOUGHT WE WERE COOL!" He yelled, but it was too late as I was already rushing at him, brandishing my holy sword of immortal, non-magical power.

"You… stupid… fuck…" He said smellishly as he bled out from his neck wound. Then I killed the rest of his Kunary, except for the hot ones (dictated by the Merrill because she had weird taste), who I sold into servantry to Tevinter. But it was ok because they were servants and also I got a LOT of money and didn't tell Fenris.

Then I burned the entire courtyard where the Kunary used to sit, which was a bit overkill since basically the entire city was already burned, except for I had to make sure that it was completely sterilized from Kunary stink.

Then three years passed and I was crowned Kirkwall's king and CHAMPION WHICH WAS WAY COOLER. Also Fenris didn't sleep with me once in three years because he is a virgin and a prude, and I almost regretted selling out Isabela because then at least I could get laid.


	22. Chapter 22: Interloper

So now I was the king of Kirkwall and the Champion, which meant I was SUPER IMPORTANT like I was important before for being a holy saint of Andraste and rich but now I was importanter. So people kept trying to talk at me even though they were not worthy and also invite me to things where all they did was talk instead of kill things good for money.

Like this one time, about three years after I killed Arishok, some people (poor mage apologizing peasants, probably) were like "Hawke, go to the middle of Hightown! People are shouting there!" and I was like "Rad I love shouting because it usually means someone is getting kill." In that way they totally tricked me because no one was getting kill or even hurt, so I couldn't show off my sick killing skills, sick kills if you will, instead there were just two people arguing loudly with only words not swords.

I recognized one of them, and then I should "MY GURLLLL! Who is this ugly elf who dares defile your presence with his presence, and also does shout at you?" It was totally my gurl Knight Commander Meredith, who is a holy saint because she is the COMMANDER of the templars, which is like being a super-templar, but not as holy as me, the vessel of Andraste probably. Also, she is my friend because we hang out at the bar and she totally does not sell me templar whores under the table in exchange to capturing renegade mages and also tranquilizing them without using any tax money.

"Oh, look who's here," said my gurl Meredith. "It's Hawke, the conveniently anti-mage Champion of Kirkwall. I'm so glad you could make it."

"Yeah, well, I was in the middle of bench pressing like two houses while the Merrill sat on top of them, and I kind of want to get back to that, so make it quick," I said. "Is this elf whore bothering you?"

The elf, who was kind of old and balding but very lithe, so maybe a good whore if you're into that sort of thing, dropped his jaw in shock and snapped his fingers at me. "Excuse me," he said saucily. "I am Orsino, the first enchanter of the Circle and King of the Mages." Anders, who was suddenly there, knelt, but the Merrill didn't because she didn't worship him because she knows better and because she was too busy salivating over Knight Commander Meredith's hot bod, for which I didn't blame her. But really with Anders the blood mage seductress and me here, Meri was only the third hottest in this courtyard.

"Well, I am the King of Kirkwall," I pointed out, "And the Circle is in Kirkwall, and also mages don't have rights under the laws of my cousin, Ravena Cousland, Queen of the Grey Wardens and also Fereldan, so your whole position is useless."

"Well, I'm not here to argue about semantics," said Orsino with a flip of his grey skullet hair. "I'm here because…" and then I stopped paying attention to what he was saying because it didn't really make sense, but basically it was "FREE ALL MAGES THEY DESERVE RIGHTS AND ARE NOT ABOMINATIONS IN ANY WAY. Also templars suck, and the chantry is stupid, especially Andraste your 'lord and savior' more like 'loser and pooper'."

Then Meredith logically and objectively destroyed all of his arguments because I agreed with her. Then they left and people were like "yay you're the Champion of Kirkwall" and I nodded to my subjects while they bowed because I am their king now. Then I went back to my sick mansion and bathed in money before resuming my bench pressing, this time with three houses with the Merrill and Anders sitting on top.

After I was done, I did another quest for Anders because it had been three years and I needed to renew my reading liscence, because the Merrill wasn't very good at reading and writing my errand lists. She kept reading the swears which I told her not too and also inserting creepy mentions of blood and demons and voodoo mirrors randomly, which was really unnerving.

Anyway, this time Anders had me LITERALLY PICK UP POO, which I always sort of expected for him, but was mildly shocked when it actually happened. Also, I was very shocked because he said he needed the poo to get rid of the abomination spirit with a hot voice that lived inside him and made him turn blue and kill people. Of course poo was needed to cure mages because mages are poo.

So I left Anders hovel after giving him all the poo which he licked grossly, but whatever I was kind of used to it now. As I walked through the streets of darktown and then lowtown and then hightown to my mansion I felt a strange presence watching me, but whenever I turned around I couldn't see anything except the calming darkness of the ever present night.

Anyway, ignoring that weird feeling, I got back home. My elf servant Orana and I chatted for a bit, and she remarked at how strong and shiny my muscles looked, so I was happy because I worked out all day. Then I went to look at my mom's room and made some morose remarks, then I went to my room and got changed out of my armor. I looked at my row of pictures, which were only three. There was my mom's picture which was sad because she was dead and I missed her, then there was Carber's picture which was sad because he was dead and I missed him, then there was Bethany's picture, which I'd drawn a moustache on in permanent marker.

After I was done looking at my pictures and putting away my immaculate dragon scale armor, I went to close my bedroom door. But before I could, I saw the Merrill standing right in my doorway, breathing really loudly out of her mouth.

I scrammed! But then I stopped because I realized it was just the Merrill, and she couldn't hurt me if she tried, even if she did have several blood streaks on her face.

"The Merrill!" I yelled accusatorily. "Did you watch me take off my clothes?"

The Merrill blinked. "Yes," she said. "You didn't drop me off at my house like you normally do so I followed you here."

I quickly pulled up the covers to cover my amazingly hot, taught, wrought(-iron) bod. "The Merrill, I am naked." I told her pointedly because she wasn't very bright.

"Yes," the Merrill agreed.

Then she stared at me for a bit. And I stared at her. And we stared at each other. And then I knew.

"The Merrill…" I said shyly but also hotly like in an anime.

"We should make-out," said the Merrill mouthbreathishly. I was aghast and I turned away blushily and tsunderishly.

"The Merrill, do you even know what making-out is?" I asked, but then she strongly pulled me into her arms and pressed her strong, taught lips against mine. "Oh, ok. Yes you do."

We continued to make-out hotly and I imagined that she was Fenris because it had been three years, I missed him and she was an elf already so they were basically the same. Also, since I killed Isabela, I actually had to pay to get laid and since I would never pay to get laid (definitely not by templars bought from knight commander meredith), I was alas alone and unlaid.

The Merrill took out some chains and whips and leather and stuff. It was super kinky, but also kind of creepy because I think there was blood magic involved? Not that I noticed because I was too distracted by our violent lovemaking.

When we were finished, I kicked her out of the house. I told her she was pretty hot, but unfortunately now that I was the king, people would judge me if they saw me fooling around outside of my spiritual marriage. I just shut the door in her face but she might have stood outside all night because I don't think she knows the way home and because I found her standing there the next morning.


	23. Chapter 23: New Abortion

I walked the Merrill home the next morning because she stood outside my mansion all night because she doesn't know how to get places herself, and because Anders rudely did not check and her and escort her home. On my way back from the elf slum alienage because they were aliens Kirkwall elves especially because they are not hot like Fereldan elves but I'm not racist. Anyway, I decided to stop off at the Hanged Man to see my boy bff Varric and have some drinks before I did any honorable, kingly ruling.

I burst in through the doors like a western, except there are no guns in this universe (only magic), and suddenly, inside the Hanged Man, appeared the most beautious sight I had seen in three years.

Handsome. Lithe. Thin, defined muscles stretched over a graceful frame. Deep chocolate skin that practically glittered in the candle-light. Hair as white and pure as Andraste's holy grace. A face so devastatingly gorgeous that it almost killed three people just by looking. And that sautee...

"My prince…" I muttered soothingly.

"Hawke…" he said, brusque yet canine.

I burst over to him, and all of a suddenly we were passionately making out, because words were not needed to describe my love for him and his obviously requited love for me. We ripped off each other's pauldrons and also breastplate and hauberk and cuirass and my greaves and arm guards and gauntlets and boots and also my vambraces and cuisses and also his. Then we made love right then and there, not caring who was watching. Everyone was watching, and also a bunch of templars who could totally make good whores if templars were whores which they are not, whistled because Fenfen and I were so smokin' hot. Somebody even died of heat stroke because they couldn't behold our flaming sex.

We had sex for all evening until suddenly Varric was interrupting me. I broke away from my prince and looked frustratedly at my bro bff who was being a bit of a cockblock.

"Not to interrupt, Hawke," Varric said awkwardly, staring at Fenris' hot bod like he normally did. "But I have a favor to ask you."

"I have a favor to ask you," I muttered sarcastically, but I begrudgingly got up and put back on all of my armor, but Fenris still stayed near me and held me kawaiily and nakedly and continued to kiss my neck.

"Um, alright," said Varric, still staring at Fenris who was still naked. "Anyway, you know how I sold Bartrand's mansion to the highest bidder three years ago?"

"No," I said. "But cool I guess."

"Well, I've heard rumors about it…" Varric continued matter-of-factly. "I think a piece of the lirium idol might still be there. People are saying it's haunted."

"So?" I asked kindly.

"Well…" he continued. "We could go in and find out. I'm sure we might find something valuable, my friend."

I sighed. "If it's really haunted, I totally don't want to go, because I heard you can't punch ghosts or hit them with swords," I pointed out smart like unto Andraste.

Varric paused, and after a moment he spoke up. "The way I see it, exorcising ghosts and demons would definitely be very righteous in the sight of Andraste."

"OMG VARRIC HAVE YOU CONVERTED?" I yelled exclamatorily. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE TOTALLY A DWARF HEATHEN, BUT YOU'RE REALLY COMING AROUND!"

Varric looked uncomfortably at Fenris, who was still kissing me. "Um, sure," he said. "But it's a secret for now. I might tell people in like a year, when the time is right."

So we headed out to the ghost mansions right away because I wanted to get this over with because doing favours for friends is such a burden, but I always help because I am a saint like unto Andraste, and I want to get back to getting laid with Fenris after for ever. Unfortunately, I only had two people with me right now, so I needed another buddy for my group. I debated picking up Aveline, but she lived too far away, in the king's palace that was mine. I wasn't going to get the Merrill because she had been really creepy lately, and I didn't want to make things awkward now that Fen Fen was back. So, I had to deal with getting the worst worst. Anders.

After picking him up at his fart clinic in darktown, where he was licking the poo and healing apostate mages illegally - and after breaking up a cat fight between him and Fenris because they were extra salty after three years, we set off for the mansion. So we got to the mansion. It was like really creepy and dark and stuff, and even though I'm not really scared, I had Fenris to protect me manishly and courageously. I hid behind him, and we entered the mansion. All of a suddenly, a lamp fell off the table and Anders ran screaming and crying to hide behind Varric because he is a baby mageling. I stabbed the lamp because it could be possessed.

So we fought a bunch of pee-mons (get it because demons but pee), and killed them all (but mostly me because I am imbued with Andraste's grace). Anders didn't even fight - he just cried and asked us to turn on a light because he was scared, which was very hypocritical because he basically lived with a demon the entire time I knew him and he wasn't scared. Also, his spell obviously didn't work because I could still activate his hot demon voice powers just by yelling about templar rights.

So after we were done an amazing boss fight, where I kicked butt, we broked our way into another room. Varric ran in first because he's really dumb when it comes to matters of his brother and lyrim. He ranned so fast on his little stubby dwarf legs that he didn't notice the demon holding the lurim idol which smacked him on the head with it lirimishly - which meant that it was even more dangerous than regular getting smacked in the head.

He fell to the ground instantly and dramatically like Frodo (because he was a weak rouge). Fenris leapt wolfishly into action faster than I ever seed him leap wolvishly. He cut the demond into three demon slices, before falling to his knees dramatically like Sam beside my boy bff.

"Varric…" He wept more emotionally than I had ever heard him talk EVER. "Please, wake up. I never had the chance to say it…"

I was AGHAST. What was happening - had they had a platonic relationship on the side without ME? I fell into Anders' arms and he almost dropped me but steeled himself at the last moment and managed to put his weight in his knees. "Anders… what is happening right now?" I gasped chokeishly. "I didn't think any of you liked each other. I thought I was the superglue that held your broken cassette tape of a friendship together..."

Then, Varric stirred slightly. He opened his brown eyes and stared at Fenris, still in shock. That look… that look was almost… LONGING. He reached up and touched my prince's face strokeishly.

"I honestly have no clue," replied Anders, buckling under my weight. But I give him props for at least trying to hold me in my time of need, even if he was the worst worst. I knew I should have taken that extra time to go get Aveline from my palace.

Then, I saw it. The most heart-shatteringly sad thing that had ever happened in history. My prince - my only one true love who I would marry and would never betray (ever not even with sexy pirates or creepy elven blood mages or templar whores that don't exist) - my prince layed his perfect, soft, chiseled lips upon the lips of my only boy bff (because all of the other boys I hung out with were turds).

"I… I love you, too, Broody," Varric said weakly, kissing MY MAN once again.

I dropped to my knees, tears of holy sanctified blood running down my pale, pearlescent cheeks. Anders tried picking me up but that wasn't going to happen. So I just got to my feet, myself, patted him weakly on the shoulder and then walked up where Fenris and Varric lay, intertwined, and punched Varric RIGHT IN THE MOUTH.

Varric briefly died but was ressurected by sheer fear of my rage. Then, I burst out of the mansion, not saying another word to that harlot and his little whore, and crying rivers of blood and torrents down the streets of hightown - killing a few on the way. I ran to my mansion, where the Merrill was waiting for me on the steps creepishly, staring at my cleavages.

I cried, and said, "I'm hotter than Varric, aren't I?"

"Not really," said the Merrill, because she has weird taste. "But I also think that Qunaris are hot, so. Anyway, we should do it then I have a quest for you."

I was about to protest, but at this point I didn't even care. "You know what, the Merrill? You are creepy as fuck, and also a blood mage and have learned NOTHING from my lessons that I have passed onto you through the wisdom and grace of our lord and saviour, Andraste. But, what the hell. My husband is cheating on me with a gross dwarf (who is pretty hot for a dwarf actually). AND I KILLED MY BFF ISABELA AFTER POPPING HER BOOB. FOR THAT CHEATING ASSHOLE KNIFE-EARS (no offense)."

I cried for Isabela, my ex-bff but probably lost love because FENRIS killed her, but I had no more tears to shed. So instead, I just had super hot, kinky bdsm sex with the Merrill again.


	24. Chapter 24: The Devil in I

So, I woke up. The Merrill was there, breathing mouthishly, staring at my cleavages like a foot away from my face. I was momentarily confused and scared, but then I remembered… The Merrill's lithe, scintillating body… chains and whips… hot, florally and blood scented breath… a night of violent passion like no other. Well, actually, my nights of passion with Isabela were pretty awesome too because she was a siren and also a sex goddess and also never lied to me until Fenris killed her cruelly. And Fenris' were overrated, too few and far between, and only appealing to the general female population with no interesting taste.

"So, you have a quest for me?" I asked, remembering with pristine clarity what she had said last night. Because it was my new year's resolution to actually listen to the Merrill because I was running out of friends. Also because if I remembered stuff I wouldn't have to use Anders anymore to write down all of my important missions.

"Yes…" the Merrill said hotly, staring into my eyes with her big, green doe eyes covered in tattoos.

"Yes…" I said. "What is it?" Just because the Merrill was good at having sex did not mean she was smart.

"I've found the luluvian," said the Merrill.

"What the fuck is that," I said. "Sounds like a dumb elf alien thing."

"It is a GOOD and MAGICAL elf alien thing," the Merrill protested. "And the reason I was kicked out of my elvhen tribe. Hawke, I've told you this like fifty times. It's in my house."

"Wrong, no magical things can be good," I reminded her even though she is a lost cause. "Also, I never go to your house because you live in a sketchy neighborhood."

"True," said the Merrill. "I've had to fight off a lot of bandits and thugs on my own with only Anders to help me and he is not good in a fight because he is a healing mage not a fighting blood mage and also weighs like two pounds. Besides, he gets scared of thugs and cries and hides behind me. But it's ok because I learned jiu jitsu from Varric to protect myself."

"Varric is dead to me," I said, a cold black look in my eyes that reflected my dead and unrevivable heart and torn soul shattered into pieces that blew away on a cold winter wind.

"He seems alive to me," said the Merrill and then we left. I decided to help her anyway since my life was over and all of my true friends had betrayed me and all I had left were Anders and the Merrill who were dumb mages and Aveline but she was super busy with work and also had a husband so she wasn't available.

"Why are we going outside the city?" I asked the Merrill when we went out of the city.

"We have to go get the luluvian," she explained stupidly not like unto Andraste.

"But you said it was in your house!" I said. "UGH now we have to go get Anders and Aveline because we CAN'T leave the city without THREE people ugh this is such a HASSLE" I complained but I got my friend only bff left gurl and acquaintance the worst worst and we left anyway because what the hell.

We got to the place where all the elves were and they spat at the Merrill because she is a heathen. I also spat at her because she is a blood mage and Aveline too spat at her, but she absorbed the spit and became stronger, like frogs do. We climbed up Tsunderemount which was actually more of a yandere because there were so many undeads always like I don't even know where the corpses come from, but they're always attacking us. And also sometimes darkspawn and dragons and sexy cougar witch moms named Asha.

Then we went into a totally unsexy cave, except kind of sexy. There was like candlelight and stuff but no mood music until Aveline started beatboxing quietly, and also there were no hot people there except me, and Anders who is a seductress so he doesn't count. So at the end of the cave was a big mirror that we rescued from the farterall, and I wondered briefly how the Merrill had got it here with her uncooked spaghetti arms, but I really didn't care.

The Merrill turned around and looked at us, scratching her chin. Then she lifted Anders up over her head and put him down in one corner of the room. He whined but didn't put up a fight because he was too weak, and also his whining was half-hearted. Then she told Aveline to go stand in the other corner and Aveline looked at me and I was like "sure whatever" so Aveline standed in the corner and filed her nails boredishly while still beatboxing. Then the Merrill looked at me and her eyes were so green and lurid, then she beckoned sexily and I felt myself walking to the middle of the room against my will, which was weird, but I was feeling super apathetic at the moment.

"The luluvian….." the Merrill breathed sexily, approaching the mirror sauteeying and drooling from her mouth because she is a chronic mouthbreather. Then she cutted herself deeply on her rists! And dripped the blood on top of the luluvian!

I was terrified but I was suddenly stuck to the ground in fear and also blood magic! The blood from the Merrill's wrists, which was thick and dark like poison and rivers of tar and lava, poured into the room and there was way more blood than the Merrill could ever have in her tiny body. It swam around the room and took a form of its own, like tentacles which would have been hot in a kinky way except for I was scared. I looked at Anders and Aveline but they were not even paying attention! Anders was writing his manifesto and Aveline had moved on to freestyle rap!

The blood formed dark images of monsters and demons. The Merrill began to spasm, and the luluvian shimmered, reflecting red like blood light around the room because it was reflecting all of the blood in the room. The Merrill started singing (she actually had a pretty good voice) but in a creepy demon language that I didn't understand except I think I heard "fuck you Hawke" in there a few times, but I don't speak demon so. Maybe Anders would understand, if he wasn't to busy WRITING like a MAGE instead of WAITING IMMOBILELY AND PANICKING like he should be. Then the Merrill's head twisted around upside down like an owl because she was all demonic. Her eyes, which were usually a striking and sexy shade of green, were completely black. She opened her mouth and a dark black mist spewed from it, filling the air with smoke that choked my throat and my eyes.

All of a suddenly, the Merrill started to grow super tall and giant and also her clothes changed into a sexxalicious black robe and her boobs got bigger. Except for her head was still weird so it wasn't that hot, and also it wasn't hot because SHE WAS A BLOOD MAGE DEMON! I guess both Anders and Aveline finally noticed, because I heard Anders squeak and faint in the background, and Aveline stopped rapping.

"Gurl," said Aveline, and I too said, and we looked at each other in horrified horror.

"MY TIME HAS COME!" Yelled the Merrill, except her voice was different, kind of like she had Anders' hot demon inside of her. "YOU, SERVANT OF ANDRASTE, WILL FALL, AS WILL ALL OF YOUR PUNY PEOPLE!"

"The Merrill?" I asked.

"I AM NO LONGER JUST MERRILL," said the Merrill. "IT'S MERRILL, BY THE WAY, NOT THE MERRILL, LITERALLY NO ONE HAS A PREPOSITION IN THEIR NAME. BUT ANYWAY, I AM GREATER THAN MERRILL EVER WAS OR WILL BE! I AM ETERNAL, FOREVER, DARKNESS ITSELF INCARNATE, A DEMON OF POWERFUL FORCE AND GRANDEUR! I AM THE YANG TO ANDRASTE'S YING! I AM… ANTIDRASTE!"

I gasped. I had only heard vague rumors and notes that my mage friends had read me at the bottom of holy texts… the Antidraste… it couldn't be real…

"I AM REAL!" it bellowed, because it could read my thoughts! "AND I AM HERE TO END YOU, ANDRASTE, FOR THE INJUSTICE YOU HAVE DONE TO MY PEOPLE, THE DEMONS! AND ALSO OUR MAGE SERVANTS WHO ARE DUMB AND MAKE DEALS WITH US *COUGH* ANDERS *COUGH*! YOUR PUNY VESSEL, HAWKE, "CHAMPION" OF KIRKWALL OR WHATEVER, IS DOOMED! AS ARE HER SO CALLED FRIENDS!"

"Don't insult my friends!" I exclaimed. "They like me sometimes!"

"FOOL!" exclaimed the demon as it grew tentacles, kinky. "NONE OF YOUR FRIENDS LIKE YOU! EVEN YOUR HUSBAND, YOUR CHOCOLATE ELVEN PRINCE, BETRAYED YOU FOR A DWARF WHO IS ONLY SEXY TO PEOPLE WITH WEIRD TASTE LIKE MERRILL!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I yelled at the demon, because the pain was too fresh from my heart that had broken in two like a plate with a ying yang symbol on it. Suddenly, I felt myself come free from the blood mage bonds that held me. And I was imbued with the power and holy will of Andraste, and I faced down the demon and I was ready to charge with my enchanted non-magical sword of holy light!

BUT THEN, EVEN MORE SUDDENLY! I heard a lupine cry from the back of the cave! The scent of mountain pines and fresh peaches filled the room, carrying the gross rusty smell of blood away on a refreshing, soft summer breeze.

"My… love…" I mumbled sensually yet quizzically, but before I could even blink, I saw a coffee whirlwind charge like a wolf into the Merrill's spleen. The demon gasped and choked out more black smoke and also blood. I was momentarily shocked, but I was very good in the heat of battle, so I got it together quickly. In a flash, I was attacked the demon, my sword of holy light blazing in the darkness and absorbing and cleansing the blood as I went. There were flurries of arrows and swords and wimpy mage light probably from Anders as we fought valiantly. But, even though I was not tiring, I could see that my much less constitutional companions were, and the Merrill's demon was continuing to fight and blech blood and scream extremely personal insults at me like "YOU'RE FAT!" and "YOUR ARMOR IS OUTDATED!" and "YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU!" which was rude and not true. But it was slowly taking a toll on my heart, the only part of me that I could not cover with armor. Truly, the only part of me that was vulnerable.

Gathering the last of my strength, I raised my holy sword over my head and smashed it holily on top of of the unholy luluvian! Time went into slow motion as my blade pierced the molten glass covered in blood, and it slid through the mirror like melted butter. Then, the luluvian exploded into a sparkle of confetti and it flew everywhere, and the Merrill demon screamed unholily.

The Merrill began to shrink, and the blood receded from the moderately sexy cave, and her tentacles disappeared and she sunk to the floor, only a weak mageling once again. She collapsed on the ground, shaking and sputtering, blood still pouring from her mouth.

Then, her head whipped upwards, and she looked right at me with her piercing green eyes. There was a hardness behind them, a cruel cruelty. "Hawke," she spat.

"The Merrill?" I asked. "Are you alright."

"Don't you patronize me!" yelled the Merrill. "I had to put up with you for so many years, pretending to be nothing but your stupid little elf friend, so you wouldn't suspect me."

I gasped at the villainous revelation.

"I listened to you insult me and my people! I watched you tranquilize so many mages! I slept with you just so I could use you for this ritual! And now… you ruin everything… again." She spat weakly at my feet.

I was shocked. My vision was red, and I wanted to kill the Merrill right then and there. Fenris and Aveline both looked at me, questioning their next move.

"Hawke…" said Fenris. "Should we kill her?"

"Not. Yet." I said determinatedly.

I made Fenris and Aveline and also Varric who unfortunately was there probably making sure his boyfriend was ok and also Anders because he's useless anyway stay and watch the Merrill. Meanwhile, I rounded up all of the elves in the Merrill's clan, even the children and also some shems that were passing by. And then I brought them all to the blood magic cave and lined them up in the Merrill's face and executed them one by one while Anders held down the Merrill so she had to watch. Each execution was more brutal than the last. I cut off ears and heads and entire skins with only my greatsword, which was not very precise, so it was quite bloody and inhumane. The Merrill cried tears. She wept blood and the entirety of the Free Marches could hear her sorrow. Then finally after I had killed every other elf in the Merrill's clan except for the Merrill, I had only one other left. The Merrill's Keeper.

"No… please no…" the Merrill begged. "Not Marethari. I mean, she was a dick to me, but she's the only family I have…"

"Then you will watch her suffer!" I exclaimed like unto Andraste. And then I TRIPLE TRANQUILIZED MARETHARI, which is like tranquilizing except extremely painful. I branded her on like seven different parts of her face, and I cut off her ears and eyes and nose and wore them on a necklace and then I had Fenris kill her by grabbing her heart directly out of her chest, except I made him keep his hand inside of her lung cavity for extra long and mess up her organs so she could feel how awful the Merrill is. Before she died, Marethari spit at the Merrill and said "I always knew you were a devil." Then Fenris took out her heart and she collapsed on to the pile of dead elves that I had already killed.

Finally, the Merrill had no more tears to cry. She was looking pretty pale actually since I think she had cried out all of her blood and used it all for blood magic. She looked up at me as I approached her. "Swear your loyalty to Andraste, fiend," I ordered her. "Beg for forgiveness for your heinous sins."

"Never!" spat the Merrill.

I stepped on one of her arms and broke it. "Swear it!" I yelled.

Merrill spat out a tooth in my face, covered in her own gross mouth blood. "I won't!" she exclaimed, so I broke her other arm. But she still wouldn't say anything so I stopped breaking her bones because I thought she might accidentally die before I really meant to kill her.

"You WILL," I exclaimed, grabbing her by her weird pigtails. Then I pulled her head back and kissed her passionately, for one last time. She resisted, at first, and then slowly gave in to her true love to me. And just when I knew she was mine, I pulled away.

"I always knew you loved me," I said as the Merrill desperately tried to embrace me even though her arms were broken. "You loved every moment of being with me - I am a sex goddess, after all. This demon charade was clearly a desperate cry for attention - or a way to avoid your true feelings for me. But I know, the Merrill. I always knew..."

"You're pathetic." I said, releasing her hair. "I never loved you. I don't love you. I never will love you. My heart belongs to Andraste. Now, die alone, like you were destined to."

And with that, the Merrill started spasming as her weak, pathetic heart gave out. Then, in death, she pood herself like Paul, completely lacking in dignity.

"….. So," said my ex-Prince, and I felt a twang of lust in my heart. "Hawke, I have a favour to ask of you….."

TO BE CONTINUED


	25. Chapter 25: Goodbye

Time stopped. I stared into the distance, only grounded by one pair of emerald eyes gleaming in the moderately sexy candlelight. My heart, which was beating pretty fast already from killing so many people brutally and violently, beat even faster and the blood rushed to my cheeks as I contemplated what had just been said.

"Hawke?" asked a voice. That voice… that had once meant so much to me, that had cradled me through so many nights of sorrow, that had pulled me out of my worst nightmares. The only sound I had once wanted to hear, to taste… and now…

"Mercie, are you okay?" said a GROSS SEDUCTRESS VOICE. He had unfainted rudely in my moment of self-reflection.

"Andraste, Anders, don't you ever shut up even when you are faint?" I yelled at him. Then I sighed and scratched my head in exasperation. "Alright," I said, turning to him all dramatical like, my long lost love with really weird taste in rebound sex.

Fenris looked like he might have been smiling, but it might have been just gas.

"BUT!" I said. "I will do this ONE LAST THING for you. And then, we're over. I will not speak with you, I do not want to see or hear you or your stupid dwarf whore, you will get out of this town which I own because I am the king of it, and you will never set foot here again."

"Fine," Fenris spat wolfishly.

Anders pulled out his notebook because he knew I was about to get an errand.

"I need you to come to the Hanged Man with me," Fenris explained. "It's my sister… She escaped… She's here."

"I didn't know being a slave ran in the family," I remarked. "But whatever, I'll come with you. I don't know why you'd bring your ex to meet your family, but like you do you. I guess I'm more presentable than that other one," I said, side-eyeing Varric who was combing his chest hair intermittedly between doing his favorite pastime, staring lovingly at Fenris. I can't believe I never saw this before.

So, we went back to the city. I stopped in a river to wash off the copious amounts of blood and internal organs that had been sprayed on me in the battle, so I could be presentable when I was at the Hanged Man, around a bunch of hot templars who are definitely not whores. I opened the door majestically, the stuffy wind from inside blowing my hair back like unto Andraste. I glanced quickly over to the bar, half expecting to see a glowing Rivani siren, but all I saw was a 500 pound kunary who was out of work because I killed his boss. I cried internally and cursed Fenris for killing my love.

I looked over in the corner, and there was a really ugly elf. If she wasn't the only elf in the tavern, I wouldn't have guessed she was Fenris's sister, because she was so ugly and he was only ugly on the inside.

"Varania…" Fenris mouthbreathed.

"Gesuntite," I said.

Fenris walked over to the elf whore except for she wasn't a whore because she was too ugly, but I still called her that because I was angry at her.

"Is that… Wolf, is that you?" the elf whore said.

Fenris gaped, because his name was Fenris and not Wolf.

"Wolf, it is you!" the elf exclaimed, and she hugged Fenris and he looked super uncomfortable because he is emotionally maladjusted and not accustomed to human or elven contact, only too much dwarven contact, and she petted his hair like a dog.

"Is that my name?" Fenris asked dumbly because his name was Fenris. "Are you really my sister?"

"Of course!" the ugly elf yelled exclamatorily. "I escaped all the way from Tevinter just to find you, my brother, Wolf!"

"Wolf…" said Fenris. "What a beautiful name."

"Oh my Andrasteeeeeeeeee," I said. "This is so boring. There's not even people to kill here or any good templars who aren't whores in the bar today. Why did you bring me here Fenris which is your name, you stupid?"

"I needed you for emotional backup!" Fenris said sobbishly howling.

"Why didn't you just bring your BOYFRIEND then," I said, snapping my fingers in a Z formation.

He let go of his sister and turned around slowly. His sister stumbled backwards because he was so strong that she had forgotten to stand while he was holding her. His eyes, wet with tears of joy and sadness like ying and yang, looked up at me through long, silver eyelashes. His lyrum tattoos glowed in the gross and dim light of the stuffy bar. His pecs rippled because he was so strong and also slightly sobbing. He slowly lifted his head and looked at me right into my eyes which were the windows to my soul which was in my heart, which is the only part of me that I cannot wear armor on, and it is the only part that is vulnerable.

"Hawke, I have to tell you something…" he said, touching my hand softly yet soothing. I felt a tremble of what could have been, like the faint music of songbirds in distant elm trees celebrating the dawn of a new bright morning.

"What is it, my…" but I couldn't bring myself to say the word prince. "My Wolf," I finished quietly like a cat.

"I've… always had feelings for you," Fenris admitted. "Being with Varric was fun, but every moment we spent together, I feel something."

"What do you feel?" I asked, caught up in the moment and the scent of his musky allure.

"I feel… free," he said. "For the first time, free of the shackles of slavery and the pain of my past. We are so similar, you and I. Both strong warriors, both tormented, both having lost so much… But we found something."

"What did we find?" I asked, pulling him closer. My eyelashes fluttered and my heart beat like a thousand drums, because my heart is strong, because I am so strong.

"We found… each other," Fenris said. "Mercie…"

I gasped as he said my first name for the first time in SEVEN YEARS, and then he got down on one knee, and the world was spinning and I didn't know what was happening.

"Will you… be my princess?" Fenris asked.

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" yelled a deep and husky voice from the shadows, and so too a squeaky and unattractive female voice.

Suddenly, Fenris was on his feet and his sword was drawn, and a figure burst from the corner of the Hanged Man where it had been lurking.

"That's him," said an elf whore… Fenris's sister! I always knew she was a whore! Probably this guy's whore!

"Daenerys," Fenris hissed lupinely.

As soon as Daenerys emerged from the shadows, my mind came back to me. The memories hit me like arrows that were not strong enough to breach my armor, but I could still feel their impact and they fueled my battle rage. The mist of love was blown away by the harsh wind of truth. Just like all love, it was only an illusion. The facts came back to me. The memories of Fenris's betrayals.

I remembered the morning after we first made love, when Fenris wouldn't speak to me. Was that out of shame? Did he feel shame over being with me? Was I something to be ashamed of? I would never know, because he didn't talk to me for like two weeks, choosing instead to drink away his responsibilities. For all I know, he could have sleeping with Varric even then.

Then… years later… when Arishok was trying to take over my city, Kirkwall, and the only thing protecting me from his wrath was Isabela, my only true love. I remembered Fenris killing her cruelly, popping her boob on his way to her heart and then destroying all possibilities of good honest relations with the good people of the kunary by destroying and humiliating my good honest friend Arishok. It was all Fenris's fault… all the people that died, all the kunaries out of work, the tension between the mages and templars that was brewing within Kirkwall's underbelly, oh how I knew he alone fueled the fire.

And lastly, the greatest tragedy of them all, the most cruel betrayal, the coldest of all colds. Even colder than the top of Tsunderemount. The moment, back in the haunted house, when the illusion was truly shattered, and I saw my ex-elven prince as he truly was, a phillandering whore who used his body to get what he wants. How could I know he wouldn't use that against me? How could I know he hasn't used me already? Maybe Hadriana was really a good person? We never even gave her a chance! Maybe all of this Daenerys stuff was a lie! Maybe Fenris was the slaver all along!

"YOU CAN HAVE HIM!" I exclaimed out of the blue. Everyone in the room froze. They didn't know how to react.

"I was gonna pay you for him, but like ok," said Daenerys finally.

"Wh… what?" Fenris gasped, staring at me.

I spat in his eyeball. "That's right," I said. "All this time, I thought Anders was the seductress, but I was blind. Blinded by SEDUCTION. It was you! You, this whole time! You probably killed Bethany and blamed it on Anders!" Anders laughed in the corner and I shushed him because even though he didn't kill Bethany he is still dumb.

"I don't understand," said Fenris. "I love you, Mercie."

"YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO CALL ME BY THAT NAME!" I yelled, backhanding him across the face and leaving an imprint of my Amell sigil ring on his cheek. He fell to the ground.

"Mercie?" he said sobbishly howling.

"That's really enough… we can take him from here," said Daenerys casually, but I backhanded him. "I'M NOT DONE WITH THIS WHORE YET!" I yelled at him and Daenerys was like "OK, god, take your time," and slunk away into the corner again.

I sauteeyed over to Fenris and looked at him, pathetically snivelling on the ground in the fetal position because I slapped people really hard. I was about to do something - lift him up by his hair maybe, or tranquilize him though that would be useless because he's not a mage, but as I looked at his weak and elvish form curled on the ground, I realized that I was over him. I didn't need anything more to do with this lying, betraying scoundrel desire demon. Instead, I just kicked him in the kidney like you would to a diseased dog on the sidewalk, and he slid all the way into Daenerys's feet who handcuffed him.

"Mercie out," I said, snapping my fingers so Aveline and Anders flanked me gangishly. I burst open the doors with both hands and stepped into the sunlight of Lowtown. Its brightness gleamed onto my shining face, and I breathed deeply into the free air. Finally I was free, free of the toxic people in my life who were bringing me down. Varric quietly skulked out of the bar, and I thought about killing him on the spot but I didn't because I am above that now. If I needed to kill him later I would just follow his trail of tears. But for now, it was time for a new Hawke. A new Hawke with bigger problems than lame desire demon boyfriends. I knew what I had to do next… take care of the mages and templars.


	26. Chapter 26: Psychosocial

It was late, so I went back to my mansion, which was large and beautiful and empty because Fenris had killed all of my family and friends, except Orana who I whipped to get my frustration out, but it's ok because she's a servant. Actually, you know what, she was a slave. I stopped paying her. Take that, Fenris, you slaver whore!

Anyway, once she had recovered from her lashes and stopped crying, Orana told me that I had a letter for me in my letter drawer. I was upset, because everyone knows I can't read because I'm not a mage, but for some reason people keep sending me letters instead of talking to me face to face like a true servant of Andraste. Also Orana can't read because she is an uneducated knife-ear slave, like everyone in Tevinter.

I was gonna ignore the letter and go to sleep, but then I remembered how momish Anders would get if I didn't read my letters immediately because as he says "sometimes they contain important information" and I'm all like "if it's really important they would have just used a phone". But phones don't exist in this universe, so I needed Anders to read me the letter.

I stomped into Darktown, killing bandits around in a flurry of holy light because I was so frustrated and I didn't have any friends to watch me and compliment me on my killing skills and excellent hair style. At that moment it hit me - I really only had Aveline and Anders left, and Aveline didn't even count as a friend because she was married and everyone knows married people are boring.

The poop from Darktown got all over my armor boots I recently made Orana shine, which made me even so much more mad I killed a mage child hiding in the sewer. Finally, I reached the door which wasn't even a real door just a vague opening to Anders' clinic. But no one was there and there were no lights on, not even Anders' hot alter ego blue light.

"ANDERS!" I yelled imperatorally, but no one answered, so I broke some stuff louder than I yelled. After breaking like seven vases and two patient's arms, I heard a grumble and what I had previously thought was a pile of garbage on the floor moved. Then I broke another shelf holding dozens of valuable health potions, and Anders rose up from his pile of blankets like a seductress snake.

"What do you want, Mercie?" he asked bitchily, yawning and running a hand through his loose, unkempt, wild golden hair. He was rudely not wearing a shirt, so I could see all of his hot abs that he used to seduce old ladies like my mom, who Fenris, my worst ever enemy, killed cruelly and unnecessarily.

I didn't even say anything, I just shoved my letter in his face, because he should know his place by now. He ducked so I could not punch him, and then glared at me and grabbed the letter.

"Yo bitch," he began and I was going to punch him before I remembered that he was reading the letter, "meet me at the gallows at tomorrow. There's some shit goin down with the O man. Hearts. Your numba one gal pal, Meri- Dee - Dizzle. P.S. If you need me to recommend any more young, hot templars-"

I grabbed the letter away from Anders. "Wait I was reading that," he said.

"No, you weren't. It was over," I explained, putting it between my cleavages.

"So…" Anders said awkwardly, "I guess you need someone to come with you to the Gallows, tomorrow, since you killed all of your friends."

"Umm excuse me Fenris killed them all, I think you mean," I corrected him because he was clearly confused. "And thank goodness I have that whore out of my life. He was clearly a slaver and Lyrim-pusher."

"Amen to that, sister," Anders said. "I never liked that mage-hating son of a bitch."

"Well, at least he wasn't a mage, like you, the worst-worst."

"What is your damage?" Anders demanded heatedly. "Did a mage kill your dad or something?"

I turned to the seductress with the melting hot flames of hades in my eyes. What did he know about my family!? He had tentatively killed my sister, Bethany Hawke, and he DAREDDD to besmirch the name of my most holy father, Malcolm Hawke? HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT FAMILY WAS. I BET ANDERS NEVER EVEN HAD A FAMILY! He probably was just created by some creepy demon for the express purpose of annoying me for my entire life! That's what mages are - gross demon spawn babies who live in poopy baby towers and whine about how hard life is for them! But they don't even know - they've never felt the pain of loss! The horror of a murdered sister! And a murdered brother! And a murdered father! And a murdered mother! And an unmurdered uncle because no one would take care of that ingrate for me, even if I hired them to and paid a great wage because I was their king.

"My dad WAS a mage!" I yelled. "AND HE WAS A GOOD AND HONORABLE MAN. DIFFERENT THAN ALL OF THE SLIMEY VAMPIRES THAT ARE THE OTHER MAGES LIKE YOU. You would know about this if you ever took time to LISTEN to me when I talked to you about my close personal life and family, which I have done many times because I thought you were my friend."

Anders took a moment to process what I had just laid down on him. "And what made your father any better than the rest of us? He was an apostate, too! He ran away from the templars, just like all of your VICTIMS. How was he honorable, compared to the rest of us?"

"HOW DARE YOU COMPARE YOURSELF TO HIM!?" I yelled, pushing him lightly into the wall, so that he wouldn't actually fall through it. Some of his patients started to leave the clinic in fear and awkwardness and pain at their broken limbs. "You are nothing but a poser, a criminal, a slut and actual whore!"

"HA! So you admit that I actually was a whore!" He laughed. "You said no one would pay to sleep with me because I am a mage and therefore gross! Back when you were with that snivelling mutt, Fenris!"

"That is not true! Of course you were a whore!" I replied. "You are a hot seductress with perfect hair and abs and a beautiful bod, and eyes that sparkle like the most crystaline pools of a -long-forgotten waterfall in the deepest, most enchanted pits of the fade."

"Wait hold on…" Said Anders.

"BUT THAT MAKES YOU EVEN WORST!" I exclaimed. "You seduce good people, like even templars, into your wily mage ways! With your charming demeanor, your radiant smile, your soft like butterflies skin, your plump, alluring lips…"

We stared into each other's eyes for a moment. I hadn't realized, but in the past few sentences, I had moved forward, pinning him HOTLY against the back wall. My face was inches away from his, and, in a flash, we were kissed!

This kiss was unlike any that I had ever experienced before! It was not the gentle smooch of an elven virgin, nor the experienced lip-lock of a wily pirate whore queen, nor the ruthless makeouts of a bdsm demon. It was wrong, but so so right. He was so weak, but I felt the magic pulsing through his face, and that made it hot.

I pushed him up the wall with my strong yet lithe warrior arms, pulling off his feather pauldrons like I was plucking a sexy chicken. Then I ripped the rest of his clothes off because he was wearing next to nothing! It was weird because I am used to having to take off a lot of armor, but also ok because it was less work.

So then I took off everything, too, which took a good few minutes, and Anders was no help because he didn't understand how armor worked but I don't really care. We kissed again nakedly and angrily, because we really wanted to punch each other but the urge for kissing was winning out (but if we did, I would totally win). A few of his patients were still in, so I picked him up and took us somewhere where we wouldn't be watched and it didn't smell like poop - Fenris' old house, because he suggested it.

We "took" each other in the wine cellar and on the bed and even on his drinking table where he probably did it with his dwarf whore. Then we did it some more on the roofs, and the people of hightown clapped for me because I was bringing it home.

We both finished at the same time in anger and passion, then passed out next to one of the unmoved corpses that had been there for six years.


	27. Chapter 27: The Heretic Anthem

I woke up. I smelled a musky and alluring scent, like snow on top of the tall pines of a serene mountain pass, while flocks of birds fly above in the brisk mountain air and a small wooden stove burns with a quaint fire in a log cabin built single-handedly by a burly woodsman. I was momentarily stunned by how good the world smelled.

THEN I REALIZED THAT IT WAS THE SMELL OF A SEDUCTRESS AND IMMEDIATELY RECOILED. I was back in Fenris' disgusting wine mansion, and I was there with ANDERS THE WORST WORST WHO I HAD SLEPT WITH! But I couldn't dwell on the past because I had so much shit to do today.

I realized I hadn't told Orana where I was sleeping, so she couldn't wake me up with a gently whistling melody, so I was in fact late for my important meeting with my gurl Mer-bear! I would punish Orana later. For now, I used my powerful warrior legs and leapt across town all the way to the gallows, where Meredith was waiting for me, wearing a badass crown and a pair of Ray-Bans. She also had a cool undercut and looked very hip for her age - no wonder she was the Merrill's type before she died. RIP horrible demon friend, who had weird taste.

"Sup my grill," I said to Meredith, flashing her a gang sign. Meredith ignored me and pimp-slapped an ugly old elf. She was too busy yelling new and hip obscenities at him to notice me, which was rude.

"SUP MY GRILL" I said louder after laughing at the old man elf, who I recognized from earlier. It was Orsino, the King of the Mages aka the worst person in the world, besides Anders the worst worst. I shuddered even when I thought his name.

So then Meredith was gonna say something, probably to make peace and be merciful and just to all the mages, because she truly and deeply cared about them and every other person who lived in this town with the heart of then! She could not say anything! Because there was… an EXPLODED!

Innocents ran to and fro, burning alive and screaming at the top of their lungs! Buildings crumbled, burning alive and screaming at the top of their lungs! Chaos became everywhere! Orsino pooped himself! It seemed that… the… most… holy… and… sacred… of all buildings… the… chantry… was… DESTROYED!

I felt the burning righteous rage of Andraste without my inner core, my very heart, which was the only part of me that I could not cover with armor, and was vulnerable. A single glistening, opulent, crepuscular, palindromic tear rolled down my cheek, and sizzled as it hit the pavement, which was on fire from my holy anger.

"WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?" I bellowed, the echoes of my cavernous voice echoing around the entirety of Kirkwall in a dark, husky roar. All of the citizens could hear me because I am the king so they can always hear me.

"I DID!" a meek, wimpling voice tried to shout from behind a house.

"WHAT?" I asked because I couldn't hear it over the din because it was too weak.

"I DID!" it announced again in a slightly raised tone, as a suddenly differently-clothed (in a more goffic and cooler fashion) Anders emerged from behind the blowed-up chantry.

My eyes flashed anger, and my vision red. I drew my holy dark-sparkling Andrastian non-magical enchanted sword of Andraste, and I charged at the worst worst, the bane of my entire holy life.

"Do it," he said credulously. "Kill me."

"What? Oh my Andraste, ew, I would never do what you say," I said, suddenly halting my blade 1/15 of a millimeter away from his face. It sliced off a bit of his golden nose hairs. Instead I just kicked him in the ribs and he doubled over and it was funny.

"WHY did you burn down the chantry, Anders?" I asked him exasperatedly, slapping my hand to my face. "I left you alone for like five minutes and you literally ruined my whole city that I am king of."

"That's exactly it, Mercie…" he said. "You left me…"

"Bro, I leave you ALL THE TIME. I thought you would just work at your poop orphanage or whatever."

"No!" he said, the worst worst, grabbing the edges of my armor despite that it was strong and he was weak so it cutted through his fingers. "This isn't like those times… Mercie… I thought we had something…"

"EWWWWWWWWWW!" I exclaimed, leaping away from Anders in a powerful jump once I realized he was talking about our wild night of sexual repartie. "MAGES HAVE COOTIES!"

I backed away from the beautiful seductress,but as I was walking, I bumped into something. I turned around to see a pimple, like a giant glob of glued together blood mages that smelled like the sewer where Anders lives!

"Look Anders, it's your mom," I said as I stabbed it. But then it screamed and vaguely said some shit like "mage rights" and "my name's Orsino, bitch."

Thankfully, I knew how to pop a pimple, because I helped Bethany pop her back pimples when she was younger, so it was an easy fight. Meanwhile, while I took out this Orsino monster in style, I vaguely heard Meredith yell "Right of Annulment!" and then Anders yell "I'll help you Mercie! I have to, since I'm your only friend left since Aveline's out of town this weekend!"

I sighed because Anders is useless at fighting and only good at healing, but I never need healing and there was no one else here who needed healing, because weirdly my gurl Meredith and all her templars disappeared. So he basically pirouetted uselessly around the battlefield while I won the fight in glory and honor.

It basically only took a few minutes to pop Orsinacne. When I was done, I went to find my scat talking sister from another mister, Meredizzazle. I followed her trail of hot templar bods - none of whom I had slept with or even recognized because they are not whores - to an empty courtyard, and Anders trailed slowly behind.

"My grill, why did you ditch me when I was fighting that whore?" I asked, stepping into the courtyard, where Meredith was standing ominously, cloaked in shadow.

"Well, my G…" She started all creepy, and I realized that she was weird and glowey red, and then I looked around to see that the walls were covered in red Lyrim like the stuff that crazied Bart Simpson.

"You aren't… lurum crazied, are you?" I gaped and gasped, stepping towards her. "Did you get the lirum from that lyrym-pusher, Fenris, who killed my whole family?"

"What?" M-dawgy-G asked, and my wimp, simpering mage friend caught up with me, panting heavily.

"Mercie, I'm so glad I caught up with you," said Anders, coughing because of his asthma. "I want to help you fight!"

I was going to punch him so that he would leave me alone, but I was interrupted when Meredith PUKED FIRE AT US.

"IS THAT A MAGE!?" She scrammed in a demon voice like the antidraste. "ARE YOU A MAGE SYMPATHIZER, MERCIE!? YOU KNOW THEY ARE THE SCUM OF THE EARTH!?"

"No, don't worry, he's harmless and weak - just a healings mage. Also, I hate mages, too, that's why we're bros. I'm really not getting all this aggression, my main man," I explained pointedly, but it was all for naught. Meredith ranned at me with the speed of someone as fast as me! And all of the creepy statues around also came alive and ranned at me, too.

I tried to fend them off the best that I could, but they were all just as strong as my godly self! Anders was useless and got knocked out immediately, leaving me with no heals or backup, and my DPS wasn't as good as usual.

If I couldn't do this on my own...

Then I would need….

To call…

Upon…

...My Secret Power…

Time froze, as I brought my holy sword to my chest and buried it into my very heart. The world turned black, and the blade, bright white, sank into my chest. I gasped, but only for a moment, as the clouds parted, and a beautiful, ethereal figure floated down towards me. Her hand, outstretched, reached into my core. I was blinded with the radiance - the joy and hope of many generations and nations of this world.

I spun around, and the earth around my feet faded away. I was engulfed into a world of warmth and light…


End file.
